Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

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Today I had a house full of poly people for a waffle brunch. Half of them I had never met.  It went really well.

I was relieved that Mrs. A didn’t come.  She and Special Man Friend have been broken up almost a month.  Almost.  Actually, she broke up with him, by text.  By text, and then declined to speak to him for weeks. Now, I’d like to say I’m not taking sides, but of COURSE I’m taking sides.  He’s my important person.  Still, even if I didn’t know him, I’d think it was pretty cruel to break up with someone out of the blue, via text and then refuse to talk about it.  And that’s my unfiltered train of thought right now.  I’m glad she didn’t come.  Maybe we can be friends someday, but right now everyone is uncomfortable and awkward.

On top of that, I’m protective and a little angry.  I’m a little angry with her, and I’m even still a little angry with SMF.  It’s mostly resolved, and I wish I was self aware enough to explain why I feel that way, but I don’t really understand it.  It might be all those times he said “trust me”, when I was convinced this relationship would not end well, for anyone.  I don’t know exactly.  But I’m working through it.

Fifteen minutes after my house cleared after brunch, CC got a call from many states away, that her grandmother had just passed away.  Her tears felt like family.  Handing her paper and a pen so she could write things down felt like a thing that family does..  I don’t know how to describe it.  It felt like connection.  And I recognized it.

This will be a tough week.  It’s the third week of my new job, and it’s one of the hardest and most overwhelming things I’ve ever done.  It’s going to be good. I know it is.

It just isn’t very good yet.

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I was date raped.

I told myself, long ago, that I would not qualify the rape, as a date rape.  Rape is rape, and somehow, whenever I say date rape, I have a vague feeling that I’m apologizing for myself, for my part, for being in that place, with that man, who said he loved me as he hurt me.

Last night, in the dark. I was with a man who really does love me, and who would never hurt me. I don’t know what it was that made me fall apart.  I thought about it for a long time afterwards.  Was it a sound?  A smell?  Did I move, or speak in a way that triggered a body memory?  Did he?  In the moment, I felt panic.  I didn’t know why.  I felt my body surge, with a fight or flight response.  I didn’t think of that other man.  I only knew I was falling apart. My body was terrified, and my brain couldn’t figure out why.  I couldn’t catch my breath, I cried hot tears.

Special Man Friend curled around me and covered my face with kisses.  He didn’t speak.  He didn’t move.  He just waited until I came back.  I don’t understand what happened, but it’s still bothering me tonight. The panic and fear I felt tasted vaguely like the rape, but there was no conscious feeling of being in danger, or of being hurt. It didn’t seem like anything I’ve ever read about PTSD. I wasn’t having memories, but I was triggered.

I don’t know.

It’s not something I’ve really talked about, or even thought about until this last year.

Why now?.



I go back and forth about the poly community.

Let’s backtrack.  There’s not much of a poly community here.  It’s a small-ish, conservative, fairly religious area.  Polyamory is still considered immoral by a lot of people, even if they aren’t religious at all.  I wasn’t out as poly for a long time, and now, though I’m mostly out, it’s a quiet “out”.  My friends and family know my partner is married, and that his wife is actively supportive.  They know I’m non-monogamous.  Sometimes I think it makes a couple of them uncomfortable, but I haven’t had anyone aggressively confront me with negativity, or drop me as a friend (or as a sister, or as a daughter.)

This is why community is so important to me.

I want to be around people who embrace my choices.  Not simply tolerate them.

I don’t consider myself a poly activist, but since I WANT community, I have to go out and pretend to be one.  Except I’m kind of shy.  (Also, sometimes people annoy me and I just want to stay in bed.)  What I really need is a fairy godmother who will conjure me a fully functioning polyamorous community, complete with established events and nice people.


So tonight, I was Googling “polyamory community”, in an attempt to find an article that I could share in my (very small) local super secret Facebook group, about how to build a community.  I want people to get proactive with networking and socializing, so that I can, selfishly, have my dream community.

I didn’t really find an appropriate article.  So I’m writing instead.

Why community is important, by Me.

1)  We get to learn about ourselves, by learning about others.

2)  We get inspired and encouraged by the examples of other people.

3)  We get to see how other styles of relationships work.  (Or don’t work.)

4)  We get to have fun!  We get to socialize, and laugh, and eat, and do things!

5)  We get to create our own social norms, within our groups.

6)  We get to feel accepted.  We get to belong.  We get to love, and be loved.

Community.  I want it.






So March is my anniversary month for the blog.

I love my blog.  I have gotten so much pleasure and satisfaction from it.  I love that I have readers in Germany, and Canada, and dozens of other places.  I love the comments and the commenters.  Sometimes the stories spill from me in an instant, and sometimes I don’t write for weeks, because there’s nothing there.  It’s not time yet.

Then, when the stories come back, I feel so good, so settled, so whole.  When the words elude me, I sit and stare at the screen of my laptop, and wait.  Sometimes I wait a long time, before closing my computer and promising to come back later.

I am able to see some of the search terms that people use to find Poly Nirvana.  They can be downright hilarious…

  • polyamory secondary gets scraps (ouch)
  • I am terrified of the game changer polyamory  (Right there with you, sometimes.)
  • compersion love hot poly  (Hey, as long as it’s HOT poly.)
  • polyamorous relationship bullshit  (haha)
  • strawberry pumpkin pet name (Aw.)
  • ginger girl finds succubus (Love it!)
  • professorpolyamory daughter (weird, right?)
  • he doesnt communicate oftenly. does my manfriend really love me? (Oftenly?? But YES to MANFRIEND!)
  • succubus wants my cock (awesome!)
  • emotion fucks thought  (Word.)
  • fuck you back  (How on earth did this search term get someone here??)
  • unicorn girl polyamorous  (Oh no you didn’t…)

I seriously love that this little space of mine is two years old.

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I’ve accepted a new position doing case management for a large home health and hospice company.  I start in ten days.  I’m both happy and terrified.

Reporter has gone radio silent.  I think he’s shy, but a girl shouldn’t have to work this hard!  (Neither should a boy.  There should be some mutual pursuit.  Just saying.)

Special Man Friend and Mrs. A have broken up, but they are in that raw “just broken up” period, where everyone is sad and mad and hurt and confused and nobody has any distance from it, and nobody has made any peace.  (More on that later.)

I have three photo shoots this weekend. THREE.  Talk about performance anxiety.

CC is throwing a dinner party this weekend to celebrate SMF’s birthday.  I’m bringing baklava, which I will not be making myself.  I’m considering telling people I did, though.  (They would never believe me.  I never bake.)

I got to drive a few hours away and hang out with a fun friend and her partner.  So much good conversation and giggles and cuddling and happy sexy time! (More on that later as well. I’m still sorting through some thoughts.)

I want to write more.  I have felt a little self-conscious lately, as my important people read my blog, as well as a few others in my extended network.  It’s been dicey, with the recent difficulties between SMF and Mrs. A, and the previous stresses between myself and Mrs. A.  I don’t think I want to share too much, but I do want to talk about some of the lessons learned, and how this has affected me on my blog, while still being respectful of everyone’s feelings and privacy.

Easy peasy, right?



I like having relationships.  I like connection, and intimacy, and comfortably “fitting” with another person in some way.  This includes my children, my work friends, my sisters, not just romantic relationships.

On my OkCupid profile, which really should be rewritten at some point, I say that I “hate” first dates.  This is probably an understatement.  I also say that I’d just like to be teleported into Date Three, and that would be just fine, thank you very much.  Unfortunately, nobody has found a way to do that for me yet.  Both the Hippie and the Reporter kind of dance around me, saying hello, making small talk, confusing the hell out of me.  I told my sweet friend Amy this week, that I’m not in any mood to spoon feed Reporter my awesomeness.

I was sort of kidding.  But mostly not.

I’m too old for this.  I want sincere, honest, open people who know what they want.  I don’t want to make small talk forever! Tell me what you want.  You want a casual twice a month lunch and afternoon sex date?  Let’s negotiate.  You want a lust filled, mad love affair?  Let’s talk.  You want to explore a deep emotional connection?  Tell me more.  Do you want a chat buddy?  Meh.

I’m a busy, busy girl…


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