Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Father~

It’s the first Father’s Day since my ex-husband, the father of my children, killed himself.

Maybe I’m over thinking it, but it feels hard.  I’ve mentioned it a couple times, and the kids either don’t want to talk about it, or they truly aren’t feeling it like I am. I plan to grill hamburgers and I’ve put invitations out to various people, all very casual.  I just wish I knew how to make it better.  A few days ago, Georgia said, “What’s the big deal, we don’t even have a Dad.”

Oh, my heart.

Last night, Special Man and I took Ian and Leo to see the new movie, “Inside Out”.  which is all about feelings.  It was cute, but what I really enjoyed was just being together. My take away from the movie, was that sometimes it’s the sadness that makes the happiness memorable.  Also, I really really want blue hair.  I’ll never have blue hair, but I think it would be amazing.

This week is our local poly discussion group, and I’m looking forward to it.  CC and SMF will be out of town, rafting Hell’s Canyon, or something crazy (thank goodness they like to do that together…definitely not my thing!)  I hope lots of people come and talk about lots of interesting things.  I should probably have a topic, or a focus, CC does a wonderful job of facilitating and leading these, and I will miss having her there.  I know a few new people plan on being there, and I’m looking forward to meeting them.  I still long for poly community, and I think it’s all coming together.


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~Really~

I really don’t get people sometimes.

I spent my morning supporting a family through a patient’s death.  All I can really say, is that as a hospice nurse, my perspective is constantly being refocused.  There are big things happening to people, everywhere, all the time, and we don’t even realize it.  Today someone’s father died.  Someone lost a child, a mother, a friend.  There is so much going on in the world, and most of us get to be oblivious.

After I left this family, I went to Sonic.  I needed to sit in my car and decompress.  I ordered a diet cherry lime-aid and I planned to space out on Facebook for a few minutes before heading to my office to do paperwork.

Well.

I moderate a small local poly discussion group on Facebook, with CC.  We have 80 people or so, and it’s had some slow growth, but it’s been a solid little group.  Yesterday someone posted that she was having her first poly “date” tonight.  She was excited and engaged.  It was adorable.

Today someone posted that her husband was going out with someone “repulsive” and so unattractive that it was gross.  “Gross”!  (I can’t even imagine someone saying this!)   Do you see where this is going? The girl from last night was going out with the husband of the girl who posted today.  I was appalled.

I came late in the conversation, apparently it had gotten heated and very ugly, and while the group rallied, people were upset and defensive, and the thread was deleted, I think by the original poster.

People act like this?  I just don’t get it.  At this point, I want to delete this person from the group…but maybe that’s not the right thing.  From what I understand, yes, she did know that the girl her husband was going out with was in the group, which pretty much makes her post a passive aggressive personal attack, and that makes me sick.

Yes, the excited girl from last night canceled the date, and I don’t blame her.  I certainly wouldn’t want to engage with someone when the potential metamour is either that jealous, insecure, or just plain mean.

The end.


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~Atlanta~

I did it.

I flew to Atlanta, presented two classes at Atlanta Poly Weekend, and flew home.  I did not get lost, I did not miss any flights.  I navigated an entire three days of high level social interaction, on my own.  I knew a handful of people, and that made a huge difference.  My friend Amul was very much my saving grace, and I hope he knows it.  He picked me up from the airport, and delivered me to the conference hotel, even though he had plans that night with other friends.  He graciously extended an open invitation to me to join them, but I needed to prepare for my classes, and some alone time in a hotel room sounded perfect.

I forgot a few important things, first, my camera, which was disappointing because I love doing portraits, and a poly con would be an awesome place for some divine people shots.  And the second thing I forgot, was my hair product.  Now, don’t laugh. A curly haired girl in Atlanta with no hair product… I almost cried!  But I learned a wonderful thing.

Nobody cares.  I had a great time, and my curly hair did too…

I met a new friend, who was interesting and funny, and ended up talking me through using the public transportation system in Atlanta to get myself to the airport for my return flight.  It seems silly, I mean I function in my every day life as a competent single woman, with all sorts of responsibilities and things I’m in charge of, but I was amazingly overwhelmed in Atlanta.  I’m truly a small town girl, and I didn’t even realize it until I wasn’t in the small town for a few days.

I led an amazing discussion on polyamory and mental health.  It was so very well received, and I am positive I got as much out of it as I put into it.  Such wonderful and self aware people and the discussion was just fantastic.

My cute new friend attended my solo poly discussion and stood out as very well spoken and thoughtful in his contributions to the conversation.  He sent me a text a few days ago, saying he was looking forward to reading my blog write up about the weekend…  He needs a name, so I’m naming him Texas.  Not particularly original, but it suits him.

I wish I had a hot and heavy encounter in an elevator to write about, but the truth is I fell asleep on his shoulder my last night in Atlanta, in the middle of a story he was telling me, and he gathered me and my things up and walked me back to the room I was sharing with Amul. I’m shy and he’s younger than me, and he’s very pretty.  The next day he made sure I made it onto the MARTA so I could make my flight home, and I found myself wishing I had another day to hang out and hear the rest of his story.

I have two potential dating partners here, not counting Special Man Friend, but I’m stuck or something.  I feel a little whiny and worn out, like a three year old who needs a nap.  “But I don’t wanna get to know new people.  I don’t WANNA date.”

Except that I really do want additional connections, and dating and newness, and everything that goes along with it, is the process.  I see SMF, and how energized he gets with new potential connections, and honestly I’m envious of the enjoyment he gets out of that great unknown.  Where he gets excited, I get a stomach ache.

I need a nap.   


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~Complicated~

Sometimes, I’m tired of how complicated polyamory is.  I get tired of talking about it, thinking about it, reading about it.

I understand this is ironic, considering that I’ve spent the last few years, talking about poly, thinking about poly, and writing about poly for goodness sake.

I don’t wanna have to think so much about scheduling, and jealousy, and societal norms.

Waah.

Actually, I think I’m just in a cycle right now, where things are piling up on me, and I long for something, anything, to be easy.  Rote, if you will.  I think I miss that security.

I think I miss the mind numbing knowledge of exactly how I was “supposed” to act when I was a young, married,monogamous, religious, housewife.  I wouldn’t change anything.  But yeah.  I think I miss not having to think so much.

Maybe I should take a nap.


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~Timing~

Sunday morning, time to write.

I’ve felt uninspired lately.  So today, I’ve got the timer set for ten minutes, and I am going to write with self editing.  Sometimes this helps me find my mojo.

It’s not that there’s nothing happening.  There’s plenty happening.  Maybe that’s the problem. There’s TOO much happening. My new job may be one of the biggest shocks to my system of my adult life.  That sounds a little dramatic, but it’s been a huge shift for me, on many fronts.  I feel mildly okay about it right now.  I was ready to walk away a few weeks ago.  But I think there’s potential there, so I powered through.  This will be a good week.

We’ve started a local poly discussion group, and our forst meeting went great.  We had an awesome meeting room thanks to CC, and a wonderful turn out.  Sixteen I think.

Mrs. A came, and Special Man handled it alright.  I could see how awkward it was.  Breakups in the poly community are so rough, especially ugly breakups.  After the meeting, CC and SMF and I had a late dinner.  It was comfortable.

I’ve been taking pictures when I can, and I’m headed for a newborn shoot in a few hours.  It would be so wonderful to be able to do photography full time, and be able to pay my bills.  Someday.

Ten minute alarm just went off.  New post!  Ta-da!


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~Positive~

I’m quite positive that there’s no way to avoid negativity.

I’m a worrier.  Conflict makes me sick to my stomach, and awkwardness is worse.  You know the kind of awkwardness I mean, when people are trying to be civil but everyone feels tongue-tied and is afraid to speak.

SMF and Mrs. A are both hurt and angry, and really, I should just let them have at it, but it affects me too.  It affects what I’m trying to do with my local poly network.  It seems nobody involved with either camp, (his, or hers) is comfortable, or at least nobody has found a neutral place yet.  He has let a lot of it go, but when you live in such a small place like we do, and the poly community is even smaller, there’s all these cross relationships and friendships, and I just want everyone to be okay.

I’m certainly not neutral in my opinions, but I can usually let people live their lives as long as I don’t have to be adversely affected.

I’m positive that I need to step back, and figure out why I’m so stressed out about the two of them having such an ugly split.

I’m positive that our first monthly poly discussion group this week will be really interesting, either because people will stay away, or they won’t.

I’m looking forward to Atlanta Poly Weekend.  I’m going to be all by myself, and that’s kind of exciting and also kind of scary.  I’m sort of shy, unless I’m not. It takes a lot of effort for me to be around people I don’t know, but it’s also a little fun.

I’m complicated.


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~Brunch~

Today I had a house full of poly people for a waffle brunch. Half of them I had never met.  It went really well.

I was relieved that Mrs. A didn’t come.  She and Special Man Friend have been broken up almost a month.  Almost.  Actually, she broke up with him, by text.  By text, and then declined to speak to him for weeks. Now, I’d like to say I’m not taking sides, but of COURSE I’m taking sides.  He’s my important person.  Still, even if I didn’t know him, I’d think it was pretty cruel to break up with someone out of the blue, via text and then refuse to talk about it.  And that’s my unfiltered train of thought right now.  I’m glad she didn’t come.  Maybe we can be friends someday, but right now everyone is uncomfortable and awkward.

On top of that, I’m protective and a little angry.  I’m a little angry with her, and I’m even still a little angry with SMF.  It’s mostly resolved, and I wish I was self aware enough to explain why I feel that way, but I don’t really understand it.  It might be all those times he said “trust me”, when I was convinced this relationship would not end well, for anyone.  I don’t know exactly.  But I’m working through it.

Fifteen minutes after my house cleared after brunch, CC got a call from many states away, that her grandmother had just passed away.  Her tears felt like family.  Handing her paper and a pen so she could write things down felt like a thing that family does..  I don’t know how to describe it.  It felt like connection.  And I recognized it.

This will be a tough week.  It’s the third week of my new job, and it’s one of the hardest and most overwhelming things I’ve ever done.  It’s going to be good. I know it is.

It just isn’t very good yet.

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