Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Proven~

I like having relationships.  I like connection, and intimacy, and comfortably “fitting” with another person in some way.  This includes my children, my work friends, my sisters, not just romantic relationships.

On my OkCupid profile, which really should be rewritten at some point, I say that I “hate” first dates.  This is probably an understatement.  I also say that I’d just like to be teleported into Date Three, and that would be just fine, thank you very much.  Unfortunately, nobody has found a way to do that for me yet.  Both the Hippie and the Reporter kind of dance around me, saying hello, making small talk, confusing the hell out of me.  I told my sweet friend Amy this week, that I’m not in any mood to spoon feed Reporter my awesomeness.

I was sort of kidding.  But mostly not.

I’m too old for this.  I want sincere, honest, open people who know what they want.  I don’t want to make small talk forever! Tell me what you want.  You want a casual twice a month lunch and afternoon sex date?  Let’s negotiate.  You want a lust filled, mad love affair?  Let’s talk.  You want to explore a deep emotional connection?  Tell me more.  Do you want a chat buddy?  Meh.

I’m a busy, busy girl…


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~Summary~

~Job interview was good, nerve-wracking.  Haven’t heard anything, and I have no gut feeling one way or the other as to whether or not a job offer is forthcoming.

~I am having some wanderlust.  I want new places,new things to look at, new people to watch.

~I paid off my car this month.  Friday it wouldn’t start.  It remains in the parking lot of Old Navy, until tomorrow when I can get it towed to the mechanic.

~I’m idly wondering why Reporter hasn’t asked me out again, though he has still been in contact.

~I am having some angst about our local poly community, which is completely tied up in the kink community, and, in addition, has a big rift down the middle, which in a large city wouldn’t be such a big deal, but in a tiny place like this, means everyone knows EVERYONE.

~Special Man has things going on, in his family, and in his other relationships that leave me at a loss. I don’t want to hover, or smother him, but I want him to feel supported. I want to be a good friend, and a good partner, but the golden rule doesn’t always apply to relationships when needs can vary so greatly from person to person.  If I’m struggling, I generally want to talk.  And talk.  Until I get it all out and can make a little peace.  Therefore, the first kind of support I think to give, is to listen, and to encourage conversation.  Except I don’t think that’s his coping mechanism.  I think he internalizes and works things out in his head.  Quietly.  So then I feel kind of helpless, like there’s nothing for me to DO.  I’m working on it. I think he knows I’m here.  I check in with him, but I don’t know what else to do.

~I feel good about most things. And if I don’t feel good about everything, that’s okay too.  I feel optimistic.  I feel good about myself, and there’s not much more that I can ask for.


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~Me~

I have a job interview in the morning.

Hospice.

It’s a completely new area for me.  I’ve been in labor and delivery for almost nine years, and the idea of doing something new is terrifying and exciting.  I don’t know if this is something that will work for me, but I am happy to have something new to consider.  I can’t wait for tomorrow. It feels like…something good.

Tonight I took the kids out to dinner, and we invited CC and Special Man to join us, and it was good and fun, and the word I keep coming back to: easy.  “Easy” seems to be my new gold standard.  Maybe it’s because so many things have been hard lately, I am acutely aware of how happy I feel when things are NOT hard.

DInner was easy.  We ate and laughed.  The kids were not perfect, the food was fun, (cotton candy at a Chinese buffet…why yes!)  Everyone was happy.

It wasn’t until we got home that Leo fell apart.  It’s been weeks of outbursts, and meltdowns, tears and arguments.  It’s so uncharacteristic, and such a drastic difference, that I’m at a loss as to how to handle it.  I’m frustrated, he’s frustrated.  He’s eleven, he’s missed a lot of school, had a major surgery, and his father died.  My heart hurts for him. It’s been a struggle for me, and I’m a grown-up, so how is a child supposed to figure it out?

I’m making an appointment for him to see my counselor, and he had some blood drawn today, to make sure his labs are good post surgery, just in case there’s something physical going on too.  I’m doing everything I can think of.

Being a parent is hard, ya’ll.


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~#Date~

I had a date.

It was nice. I think there will likely be another date.  His official blog name is Reporter.

I think I scare Reporter a little. I don’t think he’s shy, really, but I do think he’s reserved.  He seems open-minded and kind. He thinks I’m interesting and different. (I think I’m a little boring, but whatever.)

I am going to be teaching a couple of classes this June at the Atlanta Poly Weekend and I’m so excited!  I’m going to be going on my own, and I was a little nervous about that at first, but now I kind of think it will be awesome.

I’m feeling good. I have things to write about and things to look forward to.

And I even got my taxes done last week.


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~Late~

Ten minutes after yesterday’s early morning post, Special Man Friend sent me a text.

Come back to bed.

I was downstairs on the couch, he was upstairs in my room; he felt so far away.  I climbed back into bed, he curled around me, and I had to wonder if he had somehow read my words already.  We didn’t really talk for a few minutes, and even then, it was just him, whispering that no matter what else is going on, no matter the bad days that come and go, that he loves me and that hasn’t changed.

Our Valentine’s Day plan was to take a drive to some small outlying town, wander the second hand shops, have coffee.  What ended up happening was breakfast at a very busy little place in town, where our ticket got lost and the food took forever, and the Relationship Maintenance talk, that we planned on scheduling later in the week, happened spontaneously, though both of us tried to avoid it.

I love him, and he loves me.  I think the bottom line in this relationship, as well as in most relationships, is the Ideal vs. Reality. It’s about expectations and expectation management.

We didn’t end up making it out of town. We did end up feeling good about each other and where we are, right now, today.  And I think that’s a pretty good Valentine’s Day.


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~Early~

It’s six in the morning.

I can’t sleep.  Special Man Friend is asleep upstairs, in my bed.  I feel so far away from him, but I can’t tell him that.  He’s got his own demons, and he’s holding them very close to the vest.  (What an interesting phrase that is…)

I don’t know what to do or say.  I want to make him talk.  He’s told me in the past, that when he gets like this, which isn’t very often, that he just needs me to be okay on my own, and not take it personally that he’s shut me out.

I hate it.

My mind goes everywhere. I know that he is spread so thin, that something is going to have to go, soon.  I’m afraid it’s going to be his emotional well-being.  My deepest fear is that it’s going to be me.

I’m not perfect.  But I work really hard to be a good partner.

Mrs. A read my whole blog.  It didn’t go over well.

How do I write and continue to grow in my poly if I’m gagged?  This has been my place for self expression.   I don’t have anyone to talk to, except SMF and CC, and there’s issues with being completely open with each of them, because of their relationship to each other.  I’ve gotten the feeling lately that I’ve over shared with CC, and that puts her in a strange position.  We both have issues surrounding Mrs. A, but peeling away the layers of that situation is proving to be difficult.  Yes. I would have some processing and adjusting to do with any new girl he started to get close to.  That’s the nature of this kind of relationship configuration.

But I have some real and valid concerns.  Even if they are only valid to me.

Special Man goes back and forth.  He says he respects how I feel, but then I feel that he is impatient and has different expectations.

I have this sick feeling that he just thinks I’m doing bad poly.

But he would be wrong about that.

I told Mrs. A that she should not read my blog if it was going to bother her.  I suppose I should tell Special Man Friend the same thing.  He and I need to talk, about a lot of things.  But he’s asleep and I’m awake.  And I don’t know how far away from me he will be when he wakes.

This has been a challenging week.  At the beginning of the week, we both said we needed to have a relationship maintenance talk as soon as we could.  Between work, and scheduling, last night is the first opportunity we have had to be together, and he was not ready to talk.  I can’t go another week.

I was so looking forward to Valentine’s Day this year. I think I want a do-over.


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~Prologue~

“I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers.
We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife.
We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin.
Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come.
I think that has to be part of its miracle.

This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness.
You will hold me like I’m hope.
Our arms will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin.
I will write novels to the scar of your nose.
I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.

And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap,
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.”

~Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers

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