~Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know~

1) My time with you is limited, and valuable to me. I look forward to seeing you and I even count down the days. I like knowing that you see our time as sacred. If you indiscriminately change plans or cancel, it can make me feel disposable and well, second. Secondary doesn’t mean second place.

2) Sometimes I need extra reassurance that I am important and needed. I don’t get those little cues that would be there if we were together more: things like a pat on the ass, as we are doing housework, or giving me control of the remote on a lazy night at home. I can ask for what I need, if I feel it will be given freely. If I say, “Tell me you love me.”, it’s not because I think you don’t, or I’m neurotically insecure. Sometimes I just need to hear it, out loud.

3) I want to know that I can depend on you even if I’m a satellite relationship. Keep your commitments to me, even if it seems like a small thing like “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Be there for me for the big things. Honor anniversaries…first date, first kiss….anything that celebrates the two of us. It gives me ownership of “US”, even though you are also part of another “us”.

4) It’s important to me that your primary partner is comfortable with me. As secondary, it is tricky sometimes to find the balance between being respectful of the established relationship, and nurturing my own newer relationship with you. Sometimes I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I got here last, and there are limits placed on us because of that. Understand that I am trying, and that I feel vulnerable to that dynamic sometimes.

5) Finally. I love and adore you. This is my truth; at the end of the day, though I may get into bed alone, I go to sleep knowing that you love me, that you need me, and that I am important. And that is the wonderful that keeps your secondary going.


Please, if you repost this somewhere (and feel free) keep my name with it and link back to this page. Thank you, lovelies.

12 thoughts on “~Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know~

  1. Good post, and a little sad. I’m a primary who has to ask my SO to cancel on a potential secondary (dating a month, seems nice) sometimes, especially recently (hospitalizations, seizures, family deaths). I feel like those just somehow take precedent dates, but she feels bad that I’m top priority because of those tings, and I don’t know how to say, well yes, Im the primary and these aren’t fun him being flakey moments,but she says she feels sad and get table scraps which makes him feel bad, and now so do I on top of the other crises. What should a primary do to help her? I’ve invited her over for dinner with just me and her as he is out of town for work 70% of the time. Should I say something?

  2. Reblogged this on Welcome to Polyville and commented:
    While I do not personally resonate with the terms “primary” and “secondary”, many find them to be useful and descriptive for their particular configurations. I think this post was very nicely put. As someone involved with someone who has been married a very long time, I also was personally appreciative of the sentiments.

  3. This is a great post. I’m really please to see more and more blogs and thinkpieces about the issues around secondary or non-primary or non-resident relationships (all of which may be different things or may overlap).

    “Sometimes I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I got here last, and there are limits placed on us because of that.”
    And, indeed, even when ‘primary’ and ‘secondary’ don’t mean ‘first’ and ‘last’. This applies just as much if the long-standing relationship is with a secondary, who is needed to step aside to make space for a new primary.

    1. Thank you for your kind words! I felt so lost when I first arrived in PolyLand, because there were so few people like me: basically a single secondary, without a classic *primary* relationship of my own. I have since found my people, and have seen real growth in the polysingle community. ~Ginger

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