I am writing this as a journal entry. It is for me, about me, to me. I am only one girl with a small voice who is not in any position to preach to any choir or present herself as an expert on anything except her very own thoughts, her secret fears, and her fantastic desires.
I am new to poly. To everything. Some days I feel as if I’m even new to the concept of happiness. This is a sentimental thought that I embrace, because I have finally, finally come into my own enough to venture out into the world and find what makes me happy. And once I find my happy place, I will fight to protect it, to nurture it, to guard it.
Poly speaks to me. In it’s ideal form, with open communication, honesty and transparency…it seems a glorious alternative to some of the perils of monogamy. I have read the books, scoped the message boards, talked with friends who have the experience. I am a smart and logical woman and it just makes sense to me; for me. I didn’t come to this easily.
I am in a relationship that is both exquisitely gratifying, and downright hard. There are days I look around and wonder how I got here. My guy has a beautiful wife who works hard to love and support him in his relationship with me. I find many of my struggles often are internal. There can be a lot of fear in a poly relationship. For example, in the beginning I was afraid of being vetoed, and while my relationship with him was developing and growing in the early months, I held that anxiety that it would be taken away and I had no way to control that. That fear also fed into my feelings of being temporary; disposable…mainly because I felt she would always be his priority. Now we’ve settled into a place where I don’t necessarily feel ~second place~. It isn’t about loving more, it’s about loving differently. They have ten plus years together, and I love that he is so deeply committed to her. Knowing he loves her so ferociously makes me feel even more secure in his love for me.
Although I’m open to other relationships for myself as well, I have not crossed paths with another kindred who sparks my interest. It’s hard enough to find ONE good person who fits well with me within a relationship. I suppose that’s the challenge for many. I can be open to polyamory until the cows come home, but actually living it seems out of reach, considering the perils of a dating pool that has left me uninspired, and often home alone. (Of course that may just be because I’m too smart and sassy for my own good. I tend to have little patience for men who don’t let me be myself.) I know I would love to have more: more time, more attention, more sex (yes, please), more love. My Mister gives me every bit he has, and I am happy and cared for and loved with an unconditional acceptance which is new to me. To entertain the idea that I could find another relationship as fulfilling and deeply satisfying as this one feels unrealistic, and the thought of actually maintaining two such relationships side by side, seems another impossible fairy tale.
The irony for me is that in becoming comfortable and content within the parameters of a solid polyamorous relationship, I also find myself, at present, functionally monogamous. I have found something good and wonderful and if the stars align and I happen to find another positive and healthy relationship to add to my life, I will be a lucky girl. If not, I will consider myself blessed and fortunate to have found ONE who loves me for me (and in spite of me.)
The end. ❤