Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

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“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson


~Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know~

1) My time with you is limited, and valuable to me. I look forward to seeing you and I even count down the days. I like knowing that you see our time as sacred. If you indiscriminately change plans or cancel, it can make me feel disposable and well, second. Secondary doesn’t mean second place.

2) Sometimes I need extra reassurance that I am important and needed. I don’t get those little cues that would be there if we were together more: things like a pat on the ass, as we are doing housework, or giving me control of the remote on a lazy night at home. I can ask for what I need, if I feel it will be given freely. If I say, “Tell me you love me.”, it’s not because I think you don’t, or I’m neurotically insecure. Sometimes I just need to hear it, out loud.

3) I want to know that I can depend on you even if I’m a satellite relationship. Keep your commitments to me, even if it seems like a small thing like “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Be there for me for the big things. Honor anniversaries…first date, first kiss….anything that celebrates the two of us. It gives me ownership of “US”, even though you are also part of another “us”.

4) It’s important to me that your primary partner is comfortable with me. As secondary, it is tricky sometimes to find the balance between being respectful of the established relationship, and nurturing my own newer relationship with you. Sometimes I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I got here last, and there are limits placed on us because of that. Understand that I am trying, and that I feel vulnerable to that dynamic sometimes.

5) Finally. I love and adore you. This is my truth; at the end of the day, though I may get into bed alone, I go to sleep knowing that you love me, that you need me, and that I am important. And that is the wonderful that keeps your secondary going.


Please, if you repost this somewhere (and feel free) keep my name with it and link back to this page. Thank you, lovelies.

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~~Yet Another Relationship Essay~~

I am writing this as a journal entry. It is for me, about me, to me. I am only one girl with a small voice who is not in any position to preach to any choir or present herself as an expert on anything except her very own thoughts, her secret fears, and her fantastic desires.

I am new to poly. To everything. Some days I feel as if I’m even new to the concept of happiness. This is a sentimental thought that I embrace, because I have finally, finally come into my own enough to venture out into the world and find what makes me happy. And once I find my happy place, I will fight to protect it, to nurture it, to guard it.

Poly speaks to me. In it’s ideal form, with open communication, honesty and transparency…it seems a glorious alternative to some of the perils of monogamy. I have read the books, scoped the message boards, talked with friends who have the experience. I am a smart and logical woman and it just makes sense to me; for me. I didn’t come to this easily.

I am in a relationship that is both exquisitely gratifying, and downright hard. There are days I look around and wonder how I got here. My guy has a beautiful wife who works hard to love and support him in his relationship with me. I find many of my struggles often are internal. There can be a lot of fear in a poly relationship. For example, in the beginning I was afraid of being vetoed, and while my relationship with him was developing and growing in the early months, I held that anxiety that it would be taken away and I had no way to control that. That fear also fed into my feelings of being temporary; disposable…mainly because I felt she would always be his priority. Now we’ve settled into a place where I don’t necessarily feel ~second place~. It isn’t about loving more, it’s about loving differently. They have ten plus years together, and I love that he is so deeply committed to her. Knowing he loves her so ferociously makes me feel even more secure in his love for me.

Although I’m open to other relationships for myself as well, I have not crossed paths with another kindred who sparks my interest. It’s hard enough to find ONE good person who fits well with me within a relationship. I suppose that’s the challenge for many. I can be open to polyamory until the cows come home, but actually living it seems out of reach, considering the perils of a dating pool that has left me uninspired, and often home alone. (Of course that may just be because I’m too smart and sassy for my own good. I tend to have little patience for men who don’t let me be myself.) I know I would love to have more: more time, more attention, more sex (yes, please), more love. My Mister gives me every bit he has, and I am happy and cared for and loved with an unconditional acceptance which is new to me. To entertain the idea that I could find another relationship as fulfilling and deeply satisfying as this one feels unrealistic, and the thought of actually maintaining two such relationships side by side, seems another impossible fairy tale.

The irony for me is that in becoming comfortable and content within the parameters of a solid polyamorous relationship, I also find myself, at present, functionally monogamous. I have found something good and wonderful and if the stars align and I happen to find another positive and healthy relationship to add to my life, I will be a lucky girl. If not, I will consider myself blessed and fortunate to have found ONE who loves me for me (and in spite of me.)

The end. ❤

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“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity…The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Gifts From The Sea


~Perfect Poly~

Polyamory. It’s the in thing. All the cool kids are doing it.

The rules are simple.

Identify and analyze every single emotion you have, and then communicate the fuck out of them to every person involved.

Everyone is striving for that elusive secret to poly enlightenment. “If only we really understood our true feelings,” we say to ourselves and to each other, “we would not be jealous, insecure, lonely, possessive, or discontent. If only we were emotionally evolved,” we lament, “we would not wish for things to be different, to be easier; to be…more.”

So we read and discuss. We ponder and mull. We analyze. We cry. We wonder why we aren’t enlightened enough, selfless enough; loving enough.

Doing good poly, does not mean doing perfect poly. Doing good poly means waking up every day, and trying to be the best human being you can be, for your partners; for your partners’ partners; but most of all for yourself. Doing good poly means making good and right choices regardless of the emotions we may possess at any given moment.

So let the uncomfortable feelings come. Sit with that discomfort, and know that you are human, and you are not a poly failure simply because you have human emotions. Let your feelings wash over you, for they will soon fade, as emotions are wont to do.

Go forth, and love fiercely: your families, your friends, your lovers. Gather up your beloveds to you, and allow yourself to love, imperfectly.

It is enough.