Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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Stage Fright.

It’s been about 36 hours since I posted my very first entries on my very first blog.

I have had 1,223 visits, as of right now.

Granted, at least fifteen of those visits were me, just admiring how pretty the layout was, and marveling over the fact that other people could see what I was writing. Sixteen times, if you count showing it off to the special man-friend. (I’m much too old to say boyfriend. It’s just embarrassing.)

So here’s to having something to say, and a pretty new blog to say it on.

Best,
~Ginger


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~Five Things Your Metamour Wants You To Know~

1) I love the same person you love, though not ever in the same way. Never the same. I cannot quantify love: not mine; not yours; not anyone’s. I understand exquisitely, that when he is with me, he is not with you, and I am grateful that you are willing to gift me a portion of his time and attention. I know that isn’t always easy.

2) Your memories are yours, special between the two of you, and I’m not looking to take those from you, or stop you from making new ones. I recognize and respect the place you occupy in his life, and in his heart.

3) I can’t exist in a vacuum. You will always be affected by me, and I by you. Whether you lay eyes on me or not, you will feel my presence in our mutual lover’s heart. I want you to be comfortable in that, and know that I only ever want good things for him, and for you.

4) I don’t always know what to say or how to act around you. If I say too much, will I make you uncomfortable? If I say too little, will you see me as stand-offish? I often over-analyze each of our interactions, because I so want you to be okay with me, and conversely, I with you, but my intentions are always good.

5) My hope for you is a unique, loving, satisfying, fulfilling relationship with the person you fell in love with. The fact that the man you love is the same one I am also in love with, does not lessen that hope in the least. If anything, it makes me more vested in your happiness, because I want him to be happy.

And you make him happy.


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~Compersion, Thou Art A Harsh Mistress~

I think compersion is overrated. There. I said it. There’s nothing in the poly world that has the potential to make me feel more inadequate than the concept of compersion.

Compersion as defined by Wikipedia (because, you know, it isn’t a word that has even made it into the dictionary, at least as far as I could find…):

Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy…..It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.

In the poly world, compersion is touted as the end all, be all. As if it is the ultimate enlightened goal for each of us. We all know, jealousy is BAD and compersion is GOOD.

Bullshit.

It’s a personal success, when I can feel pleasantly neutral about my partner wanting to spend time with another woman.

Here’s what I really think:

How you feel is completely separate from how you act.

Let me say it again.

First, feel your feelings. Second, choose your actions wisely, and thoughtfully… Even if your feelings and your choices are at odds.

You still get the poly points, gentle reader.

I had a jealousy flare-up a while ago. I was so jealous it made my teeth hurt. When my guy offered to not see her, if I asked him not to, I was stunned. Of course I wasn’t going to do that. I was just feeling my feelings. I’m generally proud of myself and the choices I make in my poly relationship. Asking him to not talk to a woman he might enjoy was not something I had ever considered.

Moral of this story?

You can do good poly, and never attain that ultimate state of compersion. Moreover, you can even feel jealousy (~gasp~) and still be a successful practitioner of healthy poly. Love yourself, love your people, and do your best.

This is all I can do, and it has to be enough.


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Reminder…

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson


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~Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know~

1) My time with you is limited, and valuable to me. I look forward to seeing you and I even count down the days. I like knowing that you see our time as sacred. If you indiscriminately change plans or cancel, it can make me feel disposable and well, second. Secondary doesn’t mean second place.

2) Sometimes I need extra reassurance that I am important and needed. I don’t get those little cues that would be there if we were together more: things like a pat on the ass, as we are doing housework, or giving me control of the remote on a lazy night at home. I can ask for what I need, if I feel it will be given freely. If I say, “Tell me you love me.”, it’s not because I think you don’t, or I’m neurotically insecure. Sometimes I just need to hear it, out loud.

3) I want to know that I can depend on you even if I’m a satellite relationship. Keep your commitments to me, even if it seems like a small thing like “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Be there for me for the big things. Honor anniversaries…first date, first kiss….anything that celebrates the two of us. It gives me ownership of “US”, even though you are also part of another “us”.

4) It’s important to me that your primary partner is comfortable with me. As secondary, it is tricky sometimes to find the balance between being respectful of the established relationship, and nurturing my own newer relationship with you. Sometimes I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I got here last, and there are limits placed on us because of that. Understand that I am trying, and that I feel vulnerable to that dynamic sometimes.

5) Finally. I love and adore you. This is my truth; at the end of the day, though I may get into bed alone, I go to sleep knowing that you love me, that you need me, and that I am important. And that is the wonderful that keeps your secondary going.

~Ginger

Please, if you repost this somewhere (and feel free) keep my name with it and link back to this page. Thank you, lovelies.


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~~Yet Another Relationship Essay~~

I am writing this as a journal entry. It is for me, about me, to me. I am only one girl with a small voice who is not in any position to preach to any choir or present herself as an expert on anything except her very own thoughts, her secret fears, and her fantastic desires.

I am new to poly. To everything. Some days I feel as if I’m even new to the concept of happiness. This is a sentimental thought that I embrace, because I have finally, finally come into my own enough to venture out into the world and find what makes me happy. And once I find my happy place, I will fight to protect it, to nurture it, to guard it.

Poly speaks to me. In it’s ideal form, with open communication, honesty and transparency…it seems a glorious alternative to some of the perils of monogamy. I have read the books, scoped the message boards, talked with friends who have the experience. I am a smart and logical woman and it just makes sense to me; for me. I didn’t come to this easily.

I am in a relationship that is both exquisitely gratifying, and downright hard. There are days I look around and wonder how I got here. My guy has a beautiful wife who works hard to love and support him in his relationship with me. I find many of my struggles often are internal. There can be a lot of fear in a poly relationship. For example, in the beginning I was afraid of being vetoed, and while my relationship with him was developing and growing in the early months, I held that anxiety that it would be taken away and I had no way to control that. That fear also fed into my feelings of being temporary; disposable…mainly because I felt she would always be his priority. Now we’ve settled into a place where I don’t necessarily feel ~second place~. It isn’t about loving more, it’s about loving differently. They have ten plus years together, and I love that he is so deeply committed to her. Knowing he loves her so ferociously makes me feel even more secure in his love for me.

Although I’m open to other relationships for myself as well, I have not crossed paths with another kindred who sparks my interest. It’s hard enough to find ONE good person who fits well with me within a relationship. I suppose that’s the challenge for many. I can be open to polyamory until the cows come home, but actually living it seems out of reach, considering the perils of a dating pool that has left me uninspired, and often home alone. (Of course that may just be because I’m too smart and sassy for my own good. I tend to have little patience for men who don’t let me be myself.) I know I would love to have more: more time, more attention, more sex (yes, please), more love. My Mister gives me every bit he has, and I am happy and cared for and loved with an unconditional acceptance which is new to me. To entertain the idea that I could find another relationship as fulfilling and deeply satisfying as this one feels unrealistic, and the thought of actually maintaining two such relationships side by side, seems another impossible fairy tale.

The irony for me is that in becoming comfortable and content within the parameters of a solid polyamorous relationship, I also find myself, at present, functionally monogamous. I have found something good and wonderful and if the stars align and I happen to find another positive and healthy relationship to add to my life, I will be a lucky girl. If not, I will consider myself blessed and fortunate to have found ONE who loves me for me (and in spite of me.)

The end. ❤


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Lovely…

“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity…The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Gifts From The Sea