Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

~Soliloquy~

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I want my brain to quiet and simply be.

I want to be alone in the place that teaches me that I am stronger than I think, that I am whole, that I am complete.

I want to sink into the depths of myself, where I slowly, gently, touch those dark corners of my inner core, feeling with my ethereal fingertips, the grit and grime that needs to be purged. Let me sit with it. Make me let go of the pretense, the pressure, the expectations. Give me permission to embrace my imperfection. Take me there. Hold me under the thickness, make me feel the weight of it on top of me, and when I thrash and fight to come up for air, push me down again, and again, and keep me there, until the acceptance of my strength and my choice finally comes, and the pain dims and holds me, like a cloak, and I am free to gather it around me and pull it close. I want to clutch that pain to me, drawing it in closer with each breath, until I am at once, reduced to the very essence of self, and set free from the confinement of everything that is me.

Once I am there, stand guard. Keep me safe and watch over me, until, after a time, you reach down and pull me out. Bring me back with steady insistence, that yes, I am loved. Yes, I am flawed and I am broken and I am imperfect, and still, you see my exquisite resolve to embrace the darkness that swirls within my light. For it is this balance that I desperately crave.

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