Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

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“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Other Side of Paradise

This Fitzgerald quote screamed at me the moment I found it more than a year ago, when I was well into my relationship with Special Man Friend. He and I connected fairly quickly on a level that took us both by surprise, and to be honest, scared the shit out of me.

I value intimacy. I thrive on trust. Intimacy, to me, is that familiar place that is safe. Intimacy allows me to be vulnerable to another human being. It permits me to exist without fear, without pretense. But it is far from easily attained. I am generally slow to trust people. My guy knows more about me than anyone else does, but even before we reached that level of factual knowledge, the intimacy was there. It’s not something that my logical brain can explain. We just fit. I knew and felt fairly quickly that he was my kindred. He got me, in a way that made me feel protected, understood, and accepted.

At the same time, knowing that he loves me exactly as I am now, I am free to be who I want to be. I am free to decide, through self-reflection, what things I want to change or who I want to be, because I am safe with him, always. If I try something, and fail, he will be there, loving me and tending to my bruises. If I try something and succeed, he will be there, loving me and applauding my success. He is proud of me. This is how he loves me.

Though why he loves me, I may never quite understand.

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~Not Enough Hours~

Some days I feel like I have nothing left of myself to offer anyone. Not myself, not my children, my world. It’s not a melancholy that I feel, it’s a weariness that lays on top of my soul and says, “No more.” No more self analysis, no more self improvement, no more lamentations about everything that is not the way it “should be”. I can’t fix everything; I can’t fix anything.

The issue at hand this week is scheduling. Time management. Claiming a slice of my Sweetheart’s figurative calendar pie. Except I don’t just have to consider him and his schedule, and me and my schedule. There’s Metamour and her needs. And then to complicate that, add in her boyfriend, his wife, and her boyfriend. The suggestion has been made that the six of us sit down together and hash out date night schedules.

Somehow, this feels extraordinarily difficult to me. I know that this extended poly network needs to work cooperatively in order to best meet everyone’s needs. But the idea of having to negotiate, or even simply coordinate with four other people in getting time with my most important relationship, has tipped me over the edge and into an unreasonable and selfish abyss.

I do the work it takes to be a good partner to him, and it is very important to me to have a good working relationship with Metamour. So I will get out my planner, and sit down with these people, these good people, and I will smile and be flexible, and do and say the right things.

(But I don’t have to like it.)

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I am not an activist. I do not have an agenda, and I am not here to promote a platform. I do think people should be able to love and be loved in whichever consensual format they choose. And that includes monogamy.

I believe that monogamy is fraught with peril, but all human relationships are. Polyamory is no picnic either, and unfortunately, there are plenty of people out there using the trendy “poly” label to justify poor behavior. Conversely, there are those in the poly community who are sincere and earnest in their belief that “good poly” is attainable and desirable. What rubs me the wrong way about a few very enthusiastic proponents, is an attitude that somehow polyamory is on a higher figurative plane. That polyamory is for the evolved and the enlightened. And worse: that those who choose and desire monogamy are emotionally immature, out of touch with their feelings, and victims of a social construct that seeks to oppress humanity.

I don’t want to be a voice for polyamory. I just want to be a voice for honest and loving human relationships, as I see them in my own world. At this point in my life, I am firmly ensconced in a polyamorous relationship, but I still wonder sometimes if a year or ten years from now, I’ll be just as vested, just as happy, and yes, even just as lost sometimes, in a monogamous relationship.

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~Every Girl Needs A Goal~

I need to date.

I am happy in my current relationship. My guy has encouraged to me to diversify a little, as he puts it. He wants me to have more: more connection, more fun, more love. I have been focused on him and on our relationship for some time, and wasn’t interested, though I went through spurts of feeling the pressure of needing to be “more poly”, or something. This was a completely internal dialogue I would have with myself, and he watched me struggle with it, and told me, “Stop. You will do it when you are ready.” I was relieved.

My personality is such that I thrive on intimacy. I am uncomfortable and unsure in new situations or with new people. I am slow to make connections, slow to feel safe and slow to allow myself to be vulnerable to another person. I am resistant to change. And starting to date will bring to the forefront every single one of these things.

Oh, and I absolutely abhor first dates. Just the thought makes me a nauseous.

So I’m formulating a plan of action. Setting a goal. Finding a date. One first date in April, and one first date in May. I’m not looking for true love, I’m not looking for anything except stepping outside of my comfort zone and facing my “first date phobia.”

It’s time.