~Comfort~

I was puttering around the kitchen, making coffee, listening to Special Man Friend having a conversation with one of my kidlets.  It was a rare long overnight date, and we were lazy and I was happy.  I felt hot tears behind my eyes, and I busied my self with getting out the coffee cups and suppressing those tears.  For the first time in five years, I missed living day to day with another adult human being.  Someone I enjoy.  Someone I love.

The logistics of my relationship  are such that while I am utterly convinced that I am important and vital to SMF, his daily life, his household, his finances, and his family, are entwined with Meta’s daily life.  Sometimes it is lonely, to be so much of the time, on my own.  Ironically, I think SMF and I would be horrible “nesting partners”, as I heard it described recently.  I have no desire to combine my finances with someone, or have another adult attempt to parent my children.  On the other hand, it gets old, being the date night girlfriend.  I know he doesn’t see me this way.  But that doesn’t stop me from yearning for a little more of real life time.  Grocery shopping, errands, naps.  If I’m seeing him once or twice a week,  I don’t want to waste my valuable time with him on a nap!  The same goes for movies.  SMF loves movies.  I tend to get restless and bored, however, my main reason for not wanting to spend two hours of date night sitting in a dark theater is purely selfish.  I want the human interaction.  I want his attention and I want to give him mine.

I stumbled into this poly relationship.  Now that I’m here, I’m constantly learning what works and doesn’t work.   I’m still thrown by these moments that creep up, things I miss that I didn’t even realize were important to me.  Things like making coffee for a man I love and then taking a lazy nap with him.  I think these slow and comfortable things will come to me.  Maybe not with SMF, but with someone, someday.