So this happened yesterday:

My little blog got reviewed….

Initially I was suspicious. My throat got tight, and I could feel my heartbeat speed up. (Also, I kind of wanted to throw up.)

Intellectually, I know there are real people who read what I write, and have opinions. I am absolutely sure that some Dear Readers think I am full of shit and write like a third-grader. (I am also aware that there is a solid little group of readers who sort of like me. Which makes me happy.)

However, all of a sudden I knew, “Holy hell, people are looking at me.”

And I froze.

As I painfully made my way through the review, I began to relax. My heart rate started to slow. It’s a good review. I felt scrutinized, but I was okay. It’s a long read, but as I neared the end my throat clenched yet again.

The anonymous author of the Sexuality In Art blog states he/she has met me, but I was unaware who (he?) was. Then the author drops a bit of personal information about me that assures me this is a true statement.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I live in a small-ish place, and while some of my friends are aware that my blog is indeed mine, I have tried to stay fairly anonymous. I attended a “Non-monogamy Discussion Group” last week, and I am certain, from the review, that the author was there. There was no talk of this blog during that meeting. Someone put the pieces together, at some point, as to who I really am, and what I do, which makes me nervous. My anonymity allows me to write. My anonymity gives me freedom. I believe I am nearing the time when I will be completely out as poly, and out as Ginger as well. But I am not there yet.

That is all.

8 thoughts on “~Microscope~

  1. I feel you on this! I’m only quasi anonymous now as a blogger and I’ve played with just being open there, but my thinly veiled anonymity allows me to write more clearly. Eh… It’s all coming out

    1. Oh, Miss SeattlePolyChick. I think my anonymity is also some kind of security blanket, a force field that protects *me* from criticism, from judgement. It somehow lets me distance myself from the opinions of others. I’m right at the tipping point though. I can feel it. ~G

    1. I’m not sure. I think my poly identity and Ginger are inextricably connected. Coming out as poly to my real people in my real life is my main concern though. ~G

      1. I know you as Ginger. You could be a co-worker or friend of mine & I would never know.
        If the people in your real life found out that you were poly, the wouldn’t necessarily know you as Ginger unless you pointed them here.

        That aside, I also feel the concern. I dislike having to hide people that I care about from other people that I care about.
        It gets tiring wearing one face to yourself & another to the world in general.
        I try to not do that.

        I know my mother doesn’t need to know what happens in my bedroom, so I don’t tell her. I believe that there are plenty of ways of phrasing & explaining what is occurring without specifically saying, “I am polyamorous.”
        It would be easier. It could provide a common framework for future discussions, but it isn’t needed.

        Also, regarding your post of OUT.
        What do you kids really need to know? That SMF is exactly that; a special, male (man), friend.
        If you tell them that they should treat him & what he says as if you said it, then he is an authority figure.

        In my opinion, the fact that you & he sleep or play together isn’t something that your children need to know.
        Not even knowing their ages I can guarantee that either they shouldn’t know because they are too young, or don’t want to know because the thought of their mother’s sex life will squick them out.

        Important things to them:
        Does he make you happy?
        Will he be around all the time?
        Should we listen to him?
        Is he dependable with keeping any promises that he makes to them?
        Does he get us the food that we like, that Mom says we shouldn’t have?

        Stability is important for children.
        Keep on with that & they can find out later how special he was too you.

        Sorry, too much opinion for one reply.

      2. Van Halen: I like your comments. I think that if I own my poly to my family, I want to own it publicly as well. Lots to think about. ~Ginger

  2. I think a tipping point is a good way to describe it. In my experience, as I get to know myself better, work things out in my own head, and coming to terms with my preferences without shame, I am more comfortable with being “out”. But it takes time to get there, and you have to work it out privately before you can work it out publically, and having an anonymous blog can help you work it out.

    I do think you’re at a good place to be “discovered”. It seems to me that you are accepting yourself and your preferences, without shame. And you shouldn’t be surprised that people are noticing! You writing is not just word vomit for your own release, you’ve got style and literary merit.

    I’m reminded of one of my favorite authors. Before Cheryl Strayed published Wild she was anonymous as Dear Sugar with The Rumpus. Probably in large part because of anonymity, she was able to write about some deeply personal events. Because her writing was so personal and raw, people really liked her, she gained popularity, and her first book is ‘wild’ly successful.

    Keep up the good work.

    1. What an amazingly generous and lovely compliment. Thank you for your kind words. (I really needed to hear something like that tonight.) ~G

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