Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

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I was puttering around the kitchen, making coffee, listening to Special Man Friend having a conversation with one of my kidlets.  It was a rare long overnight date, and we were lazy and I was happy.  I felt hot tears behind my eyes, and I busied my self with getting out the coffee cups and suppressing those tears.  For the first time in five years, I missed living day to day with another adult human being.  Someone I enjoy.  Someone I love.

The logistics of my relationship  are such that while I am utterly convinced that I am important and vital to SMF, his daily life, his household, his finances, and his family, are entwined with Meta’s daily life.  Sometimes it is lonely, to be so much of the time, on my own.  Ironically, I think SMF and I would be horrible “nesting partners”, as I heard it described recently.  I have no desire to combine my finances with someone, or have another adult attempt to parent my children.  On the other hand, it gets old, being the date night girlfriend.  I know he doesn’t see me this way.  But that doesn’t stop me from yearning for a little more of real life time.  Grocery shopping, errands, naps.  If I’m seeing him once or twice a week,  I don’t want to waste my valuable time with him on a nap!  The same goes for movies.  SMF loves movies.  I tend to get restless and bored, however, my main reason for not wanting to spend two hours of date night sitting in a dark theater is purely selfish.  I want the human interaction.  I want his attention and I want to give him mine.

I stumbled into this poly relationship.  Now that I’m here, I’m constantly learning what works and doesn’t work.   I’m still thrown by these moments that creep up, things I miss that I didn’t even realize were important to me.  Things like making coffee for a man I love and then taking a lazy nap with him.  I think these slow and comfortable things will come to me.  Maybe not with SMF, but with someone, someday.

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I get so much feedback from positive polyamorous people, and I would love to invite anyone to submit writings to be posted here at Poly Nirvana. You get credit, and Poly Nirvana gets a collection of thoughts on poly ideas and concepts to pass on to others!

Email me: BraveGoddessProject@gmail.com and I’ll let you know if and when your piece will be posted.




I went on a date.  A first date.  This was a big thing.  I absolutely hate first dates.  I feel scrutinized, awkward, and nervous.  My palms sweat and I can’t think of anything smart or witty enough to say.  Generally I just feel like I want to throw up.

This boy contacted me on OkCupid. He was polite and respectful. (More importantly, he wrote in complete sentences, punctuation included.) His profile was brief and neutral.  I decided to take a chance and I agreed to dinner, near my house, knowing next to nothing about him.

I should have backed out when he offered to cancel dinner so that we could “skip to the friends with benefits” part.  Sigh.

But no.  Off to dinner I went.

Let’s just say that when he actually said the words, “I’m going to go home and whack off thinking about you”, I was cured of first date anxiety forever.  I have lived through the worst first date I can imagine.  And I can’t stop laughing about it.

He offered to pay for dinner.  I let him.  He walked my to my car, and I shook his hand, from three feet away.  I expected that to be the end of it.  But apparently he thought it went well, and I had a “Good night beautiful, I can’t wait to see you again” text before I got home.


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I love blogs.  I love hearing what other people have to say.  What they think, how they feel.

I’m not quite sure how I feel about blogging though.  I want to write.  I need to write.  I’m at this point where I think I can say just about anything.    But I worry about the layout, and the widgets.  I look at the stats and wonder why on earth I can get 972 hits in one day and ZERO on another.  What is that about?

So I’ve decided just to write.  I will lament about poly, I will over-analyze my relationship, I will pick apart my childhood.  Because this is really about me.  And it’s for me.  So stats be damned.  This is my tiny speck of the interwebs, and it’s all mine.




I wish I could say I am poly on purpose. But the truth is, I fell into it. Stumbled over it. And almost two years later, I’m still trying to find my footing. Granted, I knew that Mister was married, I had read about and researched polyamory before we ever even met face to face. But I think, honestly, that if there hadn’t been a palpable chemistry between us on that very first date, I would have gone home and continued floating along in my monogamous mainstream thinking.

So I suppose I’m poly by circumstance. I’m poly because I would do anything to be with this man. I take him for what he is, and part of that is the fact that he has another significant, committed relationship.


I haven’t really had to deal with a “new” girlfriend. He has Meta, and he has me. Wife and girlfriend. He’s had a date here or there, and he’s even had friendly sex on occasion, and those things were new and uncomfortable to me, especially the idea of him having sex with others. I don’t think twice about him enjoying Meta in bed.  (Alright, maybe I’ve thought about it, but it hasn’t been a struggle at all to share him. With her.) I imagine what it would feel like, if he fell in love with someone new. I imagine it, and then I  stop thinking about it as soon as I can…

And what about myself? I am open to an additional relationship but I am hesitant to divide my attention. I still carry the idea that it would somehow be disloyal to him.

I think I’d be fairly well suited to polyfidelity, or a small closed group of partners. I like stability, sameness, security. It takes a long time for me to be vulnerable to another person, and I value the few people I let into the crazy that is my true self. Mister loves first dates. I hate first dates. I even hated our first date. How do I reconcile that his feelings for me and commitment to me, are unrelated (in his mind) to his enjoyment of flirting, pursuing, and connecting with other women?

This is the big poly question, isn’t it.

I am far from the poster child for polyamorous relationships. And yet, here I am, twenty-two months later, madly in love, deeply committed, and constantly learning how to love and accept myself while loving and accepting him.  I don’t have all the answers.  I may not have any of the answers.  But I’m still here.

Rock on.