Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

~Green~

8 Comments

Mister SMF has a new friend. A new friend who is a girl. They met through OkCupid. She drinks coffee and she is recently split from a husband. That’s all I know.

I kind of want to know more about her, this Coffee Girl, but at the same time I’m hesitant to give myself fodder for comparison and insecurity. (What if he thinks she’s prettier than I am? What if he likes her ass better than mine? What if she giggles and fawns when he talks and he thinks that’s the coolest thing ever?)

So what?

I wish I could put jealousy to bed, once and for all. How is it that I can know in my brain, how much he loves me and wants to be with me, and at the same time, wonder in my heart if he might wake up one morning and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” (And then proceed to dump me.)

Human beings are such contradictory creatures. We get logic and rational thought, and we also get emotion and feelings. Sometimes at the exact same moment, my brain will be saying “He loves and adores you, and isn’t going anywhere,” while my heart is beating out, “This hurts. He likes her more. He is going to leave you, because she is prettier, and smarter, and funnier, and he likes her vagina better than yours.”

I wish I was making this up. Those thoughts have actually gone through my head.

It’s insecurity, fear, vulnerability. It’s also a testament to how vested I am in this relationship. He is a vital part of my life. I think he’ll always be part of my life, though the roles may change as we each change. Our degree of entanglement may be different as we explore other relationships and as circumstances shift. I know this is true. But it still scares me sometimes.

I’m not even sure it’s really jealousy. It’s discomfort and fear, for sure. But jealousy is defined as 1. intolerant of rivalry or unfaitfhulness. 2.disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness, and 3. vigilant in guarding a possession. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jealous)

SMF isn’t unfaithful, and he isn’t my possession.

(Alright, maybe I am just a little possessive. Sue me.)

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8 thoughts on “~Green~

  1. It’s really weird, but I feel less fearful and discomforted when I know more about the person and/or meet them. I think in a big part is fear of the unknown and fear of being replaced. I try to think if there’s anything I need to do to shore up my relationship or to show my affection or whatever, and I try to know something of the other person. I ask my sweeties to be careful not to tell me comparing kinda stuff like they are the best this or a better that.. but otherwise I like to know stuff. It’s funny, but after I meet them and like them and see they like me and we’re all on the same page, I feel a lot more positive about them being together. I get kinda happy that my honey has this other person that brings these other good things to their life. I get all compersive. It’s WAY more fun that jealousy and insecurity. I’m not perfect about it though and imagine I never will be. I have to kinda process sometimes still, but it’s easier.

    • I’m sure the unknown quantity is scarier than the known. I’m curious, but it’s not time for an introduction. Not yet.
      ~G

      • Oh no no. I agree. I don’t meet people ASAP. But knowing something of them helps me. You know… Like if they are described like any friend or coworker. A mental image helps me a lil.

        The other thing is when I am able to think of what I feel about my partners happiness.. Or how my excitement for x never really impacts my love for y

      • I have been nervous to ask about her. (Since what the scared little girl inside of me wants to ask is if he likes her *more* than me. I know better. I so know better…)
        ~G

      • Ooooh hopefully he knows better too. I have to be super honest…. I do like aspects of x better than y. X might be a little kinkier or y might be an excellent conversationalist. I don’t compare, but I do appreciate them for their great qualities. By and large tho, I do not share THOSE thoughts. I do tell x or y why I appreciate THEM so much and why they are so special to me. They do bring some same and some very different things to my life. In absolute sincerity though… I don’t like one more than the other. It’s in part because they’re both awesome, but it is also because I don’t have to choose. It’s not a finite thing, my appreciation or like. I’m allowed to like both in our unique relationships and explore our own unique connection. If I had a thousand boyfriends none would ever be or replace traveler or Cleveland to me. I just appreciate them so much individually. I don’t want or need exactly the relationship with x I have with y, which is good because that’s impossible. Who you are in wholly you and unreplicatable. He has never and will never have another you.. Ever. If he’s smart, he knows this and revels in the wonderful freedom to have and cherish you AND her. If he falls madly in love with her and they spend 20 years together in bliss, it would still say nothing about your relationship. You know?

      • I totally know what you mean. My brain and my heart have a serious sibling rivalry going on. My brain always wins, but my heart throws a bigger tantrum and makes more noise. SMF knows better and I know better, and he almost always says the right things. (He would never tell me someone had a nicer ass than I did. And I would never ask. Heh.)
        ~G

  2. ‘…she doesn’t have time for you, she isn’t talking to you because of the dirty things she did last night with the person she hasn’t told you about, she is just staying silent to try and figure out how to tell you that the distance of 1,000 miles is too much, she loved how he made her scream, she hasn’t even really kissed you yet, she is… *GALLLUPMMMMM* *MMMMM* *HMMMHM*’

    *sounds of a struggle & the slamming of a door*

    Sorry, sometimes he gets away from me & starts distracting me from the Truth as I know it.
    She loves me.
    She wants to be with me.
    I make her feel good.
    She can’t imagine her life without me.
    She is planning a trip to come see me.

    All of those things don’t stop him *gestures towards the door* from occasionally raising Hell.

    AND, early on, I often kept my fears strictly within my own mind.
    Mostly because I was worried about talking about it. Worried about sounding like a nut-bar.

    Because voicing the concern that her love for could be fickle enough to be swayed by a good deep dicking sounds incredibly dumb. Considering how much work & trust it took for us to get to this point, I have to trust that she won’t take the gift of my love and pitch it.

    It was finally BR (my wife) who bludgeoned me into upping my communication and TALKING TO HER (BB).
    Scary.
    But once out in the open, easier for me to talk about when that jerk gets loose in my head.
    Easier for BB to drop me little messages & keep the silence from picking the locks on his door & letting him loose.
    Easier to reaffirm the Truth.

    So, I sympathize with you Ginger.
    Totally.

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