Mister SMF has a new friend. A new friend who is a girl. They met through OkCupid. She drinks coffee and she is recently split from a husband. That’s all I know.
I kind of want to know more about her, this Coffee Girl, but at the same time I’m hesitant to give myself fodder for comparison and insecurity. (What if he thinks she’s prettier than I am? What if he likes her ass better than mine? What if she giggles and fawns when he talks and he thinks that’s the coolest thing ever?)
I wish I could put jealousy to bed, once and for all. How is it that I can know in my brain, how much he loves me and wants to be with me, and at the same time, wonder in my heart if he might wake up one morning and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” (And then proceed to dump me.)
Human beings are such contradictory creatures. We get logic and rational thought, and we also get emotion and feelings. Sometimes at the exact same moment, my brain will be saying “He loves and adores you, and isn’t going anywhere,” while my heart is beating out, “This hurts. He likes her more. He is going to leave you, because she is prettier, and smarter, and funnier, and he likes her vagina better than yours.”
I wish I was making this up. Those thoughts have actually gone through my head.
It’s insecurity, fear, vulnerability. It’s also a testament to how vested I am in this relationship. He is a vital part of my life. I think he’ll always be part of my life, though the roles may change as we each change. Our degree of entanglement may be different as we explore other relationships and as circumstances shift. I know this is true. But it still scares me sometimes.
I’m not even sure it’s really jealousy. It’s discomfort and fear, for sure. But jealousy is defined as 1. intolerant of rivalry or unfaitfhulness. 2.disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness, and 3. vigilant in guarding a possession. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jealous)
SMF isn’t unfaithful, and he isn’t my possession.
(Alright, maybe I am just a little possessive. Sue me.)