Today SMF teased me a little about slacking on my writing. It’s nice to know that he keeps an eye on my blog, and is interested in reading what I write. It also blocks me sometimes, from writing things I might share if I was truly anonymous. I almost always work through it though, generally by sitting on a draft for a few days, wondering if it’s too much to be posting, until I pretty much say Fuck It and post it anyway.
A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night out of a really bad dream, which ended with a mob of people chasing me, as I screamed Special Man’s name. There was much more, but as I lay awake, my mind kept replaying that feeling of panic, as my brain tried to analyze it. Eventually I went back to sleep, only to wake up from a second nightmare revolving around CC, my Metamour.
I don’t know what’s going on in this little head of mine, but obviously my subconscious is trying to work something out. I have been aware of feeling especially alone this week, and as I lay in the dark, by myself in my big bed after the second nightmare, I had such a sense of singularity, and it felt thick, and it felt heavy.
We talk in PolyLand about no single person being able to fulfill every need and want for one other. We speak of exploring different loves and of allowing relationships to be what they are going to be; of allowing ourselves to love and be loved with no expectation of What Is Supposed To Come Next. I love Special Man dearly, and shockingly, I’m realizing how long it has taken for me to confess this, even to myself: He can’t give me everything I need, everything I want. He has nurtured me as I transitioned from a broken girl who didn’t believe in love, into this open, wholehearted woman who is still growing. He loves me with everything he has, and I do not believe that he holds any of his love or emotion back from me. I have been happy, loved, and satisfied. But I need more. And he cannot give it to me. I get lonely and my bed is empty. I thought for a long time that things could be different. We talked of him spending two nights a week with me, on a scheduled, regular basis. We talked of more domestic entanglement, of more down time together. Somehow that read to me as security, stability. Safety.
But after hearing another couple at a local non-monogamy discussion group talk about the way they split time between households, and feeling a stab (or ten) of envy, I have decided that I have to make peace with the fact that this kind of arrangement may not be in the cards, ever. Our relationship is wonderful, for what it is. I am happy today. I need to release those expectations of him; of us. If having someone to share my bed with is important to me, I need to find that, somewhere else. Logistically, Special Man simply has a full plate. I know I am a big part of that, and I have no intention of being without him, I guess it’s back to OKCupid for this girl. Sigh. First dates, how I loathe thee…
On another note, today I booked flights for the poly conference in Ohio in November. I’m happy that I will have SMF with me the whole time, and we are both looking forward to meeting people and exploring the bigger poly community. In addition, my darling friend, the Divine Miss M. thinks we should take a trip ourselves up to Calgary after Christmas. (I really do hope she’s serious.)I h ave things to look forward to. I have people to look forward to. Despite the car wreck and all the other chaos that has clustered around me of late, I have a good life. I have good intentions, and I try to have a good heart. All the rest of it is just details.