I slept thirteen hours last night. Hard.

Who sleeps thirteen hours?

I spent an hour last night at the local Hobby Lobby, with my baby sister and her fiancee choosing flowers for her wedding in January. I used to dabble with flower arranging, worked a in a flower shop or two, and helped out on holidays here and there over the years. It’s a big project, and feels even bigger because I’m not quite on board with the idea of her getting married at such a young age. She is just a baby! I realize I’m projecting some of my own personal baggage onto her, but I’m trying to keep it in check. She and Fiancee will be getting married in the local Mormon temple, which means that anyone who is not a worthy member of the LDS church, will be unable to attend. As a sinner, I get to wait outside while the ceremony takes place inside, and then the couple will come out and we will disperse to the church meetinghouse for a reception in the cultural hall, which is pretty much a multipurpose room and gym and sometimes there’s a stage on one end. Of course, they raise the basketball hoops out of the way for things like wedding receptions.

Lest you think I am not respectful of other people’s life choices, I am. I will make the flowers beautiful, and I will truly wish her well. I hope that she is happy, and that, unlike me, she doesn’t feel, in twenty years, that her choices were limited by the Mormon status quo. I used to be bitter. Now I’m just a little regretfully wistful.

I seem to be fighting with Special Man, and I’m not exactly sure why. I see a pattern, in myself, that I’m not sure how to change. I’m a terrible fighter. I want to withdraw, run away, apologize and make it all better. It’s not the apologizing that I take issue with. It’s that I use it as an avoidance strategy. It’s one I used with my exhusband often. Walk on eggshells, be the compliant good girl. Lose myself in keeping the peace. And now I’m hung up on being heard, and I wonder if it’s making everything worse; if I’m making everything worse.

So there it is. I’m going to nest in today, let the kids order pizza, eat some chocolate, and watch movies. If I can get some puppy cuddles in, all the better.

7 thoughts on “~Resting~

  1. *My* sister got married in a temple. Hopefully you don’t have to hear a lecture about not being worthy while you wait. In her case, marrying a down to earth guy made her much more tolerable. I’m really glad you got lots of sleep. 🙂

    1. It just makes me tired to even think about it. I was married in the temple and I lived the LDS faith for many many years. Born and raised. I know the ins and outs and I wish I had done things differently. But I’m in this weird place where I want to support her and shake her all at once.~Ginger

      1. My case is very different. My family is catholic (ish) and my sister converted. So she was hard core into lecturing us, etc… But her husband was raised LDS and so he doesn’t feel that need. And so marrying him leveled her out. But yes, I’d like to shake them all. I hope their kids grow out of it one day…

  2. Here’s a bit of trivia you may not know about the local Mormon temple that Ginger talks about: The groom of the first couple to be married in the temple is now transgendered to a woman, and divorced. The couple must not have had enough “worthy” supporters to help them with that problem. Luckily, the former groom has found a supportive spiritual group at a much more liberal church that is welcoming to GLBTQ people.

    1. I tread very carefully when talking about the Mormon church. I try to limit my comments to my personal experiences. I don’t know anything about the above statement and I am a little befuddled as to how it is relevant. I may end up deleting it, though I decided a while ago to let comments here stand. ..

  3. I say YOU need to say what YOU need to say when YOU need to say it… If it’s important to you and he truly cares then he will try to understand your view of whatever it is that is bugging you…that’s how friendships work…give and take….not just take. I am sure you know that already….wish you well my dear. I don’t know you, but stating what you desire or need is not a problem you think you have. Take care

  4. I think that as women we struggle with expressing our wants and worrying about being demanding or pushy. If your statements are said kindly, and begin with an “I” statement, then you are not making things worse. You may be making them more complicated, but it’s probably necessary.

    That said, we should always ask ourselves what our motivation is behind what we are saying. Sometimes there’s a much more clear way to get what you want. The other night I got tired of continually asking my husband to support me in some vague way and finally just sat down and role played exactly what I’d like it to look like. It seemed ridiculous for me to have to say to him to make eye contact, physical contact and tell me that he knows I’m trying to be patient. But you know what, it worked. I felt better. It was direct, and he finally understood.

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