Special Man came and took me for a drive Saturday night. I knew he was coming over and I had mixed feelings about it, because my head was not in a good place. Poly is hard. Some days I daydream about returning to a monogamous mindset and how much easier that might be. Sometimes I yearn for the mind numbing routine of societal relationship norms.
We drove an hour up into the mountains. We parked in the pitch black off the main road.
He knew I was upset. And still, I’m not sure what that was all about. There were a few small things that were bothering me but my reactions were amplified and internalized. He tried to get me to talk but it was too difficult to put words to something I did not understand myself. He tried to touch me, to connect with me, to understand what was in my head.
I wasn’t having any of it.
After some talk, and some attempted cuddling, I vented some of my frustrations by seeing how hard I could punch him in the chest. (Hey, I never claimed to be the enlightened Goddess of Healthy Communication…) The good news, is that apparently, I can throw a good punch. The bad news is that he is still stronger and bigger than I am, and he soon had me pinned in some manly wrestling hold.
“Say you love me”, he said sternly. “Say you love me, and that everything is going to be okay.”
I turned my head away.
“No,” I mumbled. “No, I’m not saying it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to say it.”
This went on for a minute or two, and the more he insisted, the more I felt like the little sister who was being forced to say “Uncle” so that her big brother wouldn’t spit in her mouth. We went back and forth. Finally I broke.
“I don’t want to love you anymore.”
And the struggle left my body, and I started to cry. His eyes found mine, and he said, “Ah. There it is.”
I continued to cry, and soon I quieted. “This doesn’t change anything,” he told me. “This doesn’t change how I feel about you at all.”
“It’s too hard,” I whispered.
“No,” he said without hesitation. “It’s hard. It’s not too hard. And I’m not ever going to make it easy for you to run.”
And it was over.
9 thoughts on “~Being~”
Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Oh man. Sometimes it is that, isn’t it? I love my relationships and I love my loves, but goddamn sometimes you just want to punch them in the chest and run. Thank God he gets it. I wish I could hug you and talk to you over tea or whatever. You’ve been such a comfort to me, that you get it, but moments like this I hate that you get it.
I am smiling and shaking my head at the fact that someone thinks I get it. Someday I’ll make it to Seattle and we will have that tea and you will see what a hot little mess I can be. I met someone recently at the Poly conference I attended who organizes the Polycamp near there and I am very tempted to make a trip that direction…it sounds super fun! (Though I’m not much of a camper.) ~Ginger
Wow. That’s intense, and you are both really lucky to have each other. Poly is SO tough. I recently realized that the girl who I have a huge crush on (and is devoutly monog) had found a man to better suit her. Days like that make me wish I could be monogamous again.
I say again, but in reality I never was.
It takes a lot for a man to not only say those things but to follow through with them. From the year or so that I have been reading this blog, I think you may have a life partner. Someone who will love you whether he is in your bed or not.
I agree, and he has said as much. It’s a bittersweet comfort for me, this unfamiliar way of thinking about relationships. ~Ginger
I am sorry you went through or are still going through this. I think I and both my boyfriends have done this, and I know I have more than once as things have evolved over the years. Even at baseline, there is this background desire for a simpler life that would not involve coming out to my parents, and navigating the tricky waters of “which state do I move to and therefore which boyfriend do I have to keep being in a long distance relationship with?” and “who gets the legal marriage to me?”
So you are very much not alone in this, that much I can say for certain.
Wow, Kitty, that is a lot to carry. Sending some positive energy out into the universe for you. ~Ginger
Thank you. 🙂 Early mornings like this, me on my phone snuggled between the two of them (one’s in town visiting; we just did early Christmas together last night), are part of why this is worth it.