Special Man came and took me for a drive Saturday night. I knew he was coming over and I had mixed feelings about it, because my head was not in a good place. Poly is hard. Some days I daydream about returning to a monogamous mindset and how much easier that might be. Sometimes I yearn for the mind numbing routine of societal relationship norms.
We drove an hour up into the mountains. We parked in the pitch black off the main road.
He knew I was upset. And still, I’m not sure what that was all about. There were a few small things that were bothering me but my reactions were amplified and internalized. He tried to get me to talk but it was too difficult to put words to something I did not understand myself. He tried to touch me, to connect with me, to understand what was in my head.
I wasn’t having any of it.
After some talk, and some attempted cuddling, I vented some of my frustrations by seeing how hard I could punch him in the chest. (Hey, I never claimed to be the enlightened Goddess of Healthy Communication…) The good news, is that apparently, I can throw a good punch. The bad news is that he is still stronger and bigger than I am, and he soon had me pinned in some manly wrestling hold.
“Say you love me”, he said sternly. “Say you love me, and that everything is going to be okay.”
I turned my head away.
“No,” I mumbled. “No, I’m not saying it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to say it.”
This went on for a minute or two, and the more he insisted, the more I felt like the little sister who was being forced to say “Uncle” so that her big brother wouldn’t spit in her mouth. We went back and forth. Finally I broke.
“I don’t want to love you anymore.”
And the struggle left my body, and I started to cry. His eyes found mine, and he said, “Ah. There it is.”
I continued to cry, and soon I quieted. “This doesn’t change anything,” he told me. “This doesn’t change how I feel about you at all.”
“It’s too hard,” I whispered.
“No,” he said without hesitation. “It’s hard. It’s not too hard. And I’m not ever going to make it easy for you to run.”
And it was over.