This is where my real relationship and my blog writings intersect. Everything I write is true. All of it.
It is not, however, the entirety of my relationships. I cannot write enough to adequately represent the fullness of my life and the love that is between me and Special Man Friend. I self-edit, I pick and choose how I portray myself and the people I love. I try to maintain most of my anonymity. How open can I be without possibly hurting someone I care about? My metamour, CC and I have an amazingly complicated relationship. It’s not something I can work out in this public forum. I blog from a place of openness, but I never forget that by putting my life out there, other people risk exposure and examination and even criticism.
This is for Special Man. He is very special. He is important and loved. He is also kind of annoying, really really likes to be right, and his ankle makes this cracking and grinding sound which makes me cringe when he chooses to point it out to me. He’s often late, and he doesn’t plan ahead very well. As a mother with a large family, that drives me batty. He mispronounces words sometimes, and I don’t correct him, which takes a lot of self-control. When we argue, he likes to be right. (He loves to be right.) He’s a coffee snob and an intellectual know-it-fucking-all, which is maddening, because he usually does know (it all.) He’s stubborn, opinionated and, well, can get kind of self-righteous.
I’m a real person. I’m writing about real poly. And some days, it bites. It’s not all flirty fun and first dates and shared Google calendars. I get lonely. I think about walking away. It gets complicated. I’m not an easy person to be with. My brain is constantly processing and rethinking things. I don’t think I get everything I need, and worse, I don’t think I even know what I need exactly.
We try to be there for each other. Most of the time we do okay. Sometimes, we don’t and life gets messy and frustrating.
(I hear I can be pretty fabulous in the sack though, so at least there’s that.)
Poly Nirvana 
You often write that you don’t feel like you’re getting everything you need, and you’re also not sure you know what you want/ need. I do wish for you that you gain some clarity in 2014. Any ideas about anything new you could try that might help you create a vision for yourself?
Sometimes I wonder if anyone, monogamous or otherwise, gets what they need. It’s been an especially challenging few months. My needs have changed. I think I’d like to live with a partner again. Two and a half years ago, I swore I would never cohabitate again. Now I’m trying to figure out how to approach that idea, and hang on to what I already have. I know it’s a basic tenet of polyamory, but it feels a little dicey.
I’ve always had trouble making decisions. Even deciding what kind of salad dressing to have at a restaurant was a challenge when I was younger. I’m always afraid I’ll miss something…
I like the way you put it… “create a vision for yourself”. This very thing, is exactly what I need to do! 🙂
~Ginger
Wow, that sounds like a great start!
“I think I’d like to live with a partner again”
In case there’s any doubt in your mind, it’s OK to want that!!! Seems maybe the first step is to own it. Say it like you mean it, even if you’re not sure, and if it changes later, that’s OK.
Now what’s the next step?…
I’m happy to help you brainstorm how you might work towards that, or you could talk to someone you know who is good at these things.
I think it’s good to start with a decision/ plan, and then change it any time you want. The initial decision is almost irrelevant. They key is to make a decision and get started. Maybe knowing you can change your mind at any time would help you start. So maybe start off with, “I’ve decided that I want to live with a partner,” and make a plan around that. Then change it as soon as it doesn’t fit.
These are just some ideas to get things moving. From your writing you seem like you feel a bit stuck.
Also, it sounds corny but you might want to make a vision board. I just googled “vision board” and found this. Hey, why not? Oprah knows these things…
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Make-a-Vision-Board-Find-Your-Life-Ambition-Martha-Beck
If you make one, I’d love to see a pic. You could post it on the blog!
That’s a really creative idea… I’ll look into it more! I would never have thought to make something like that based on relationship needs, but it makes a lot of sense! Thanks, darling! ~Ginger
Special Man Friend sounds a lot like me! Minus the lack of punctuality (I have kids, and timing is a huge deal to me). 🙂 🙂
I think that the part that helps us all is seeing that other people have the very same human foibles we do, or that they deal with similar things with their significant others. I think it helps us feel less frustrated and alone. I’m always grateful for what you choose to share, good, bad, or indifferent. 🙂 I’m finally getting to a place where I don’t feel like every post is about the negativity. I think part of that is due to the wonderful support I get from being able to share in others’ experiences and having them share in mine. 🙂
Can’t wait to hear how the cohabitation conversation goes (internally and externally)!
Ah. The cohabitation conversation. SMF says perhaps I am viewing that as a “magic solution”. The internal (And external) dialogue continues! ~GInger
Oh god how I relate. For a while I swear everything I wrote was unfiltered pain, and sometimes processing junk. It really IS so hard sometimes. It’s beautiful and wonderful, but it’s complicated and hard too, at least for me. I love reading that there are other humans in poly. It helps me see other perspectives and solutions and also just not feel like the only imperfect being here in poly. I love the honesty. I need it. Thank you for sharing this stuff. It’s so fucking important to me.
Any time, darling. I rock at being imperfect! ~Ginger