I’ve read that Sara Bareilles wrote this song after her first heartbreak. But I have always internalized it as a love song, and have associated it with SMF in my head since early in our relationship. I think it offers a beautiful image of a deep love with heartache woven throughout. There’s a longing that I hear, that I feel sometimes for SMF. I used to wonder what might have happened if we had met when we were twenty. (Alright, when he was twenty and I was twenty-one.)

I’ll tell you what would have happened:

…nothing. We would not have connected. We would not have fallen in love, nor would he have “saved” me from my marriage. We met at exactly the right time. I was divorced for some time, and was near the end of my relationship with the Preacher. SMF and CC were nearing the end of their first serious attempt at a polyamorous triad. We connected on OKCupid and talked online for a few months, sporadically; politely. We talked about polyamory in general. We talked about his experiences with poly. We set up a date in July, and at the last minute, when he was unavoidably held up and running late, I chickened out. I wasn’t ready. We didn’t talk for a few months, and late one September night I got a text from him out of the blue. Are you still interested in getting together? he said.

Yes. I typed back. You intrigue me.

We met for sushi the next night. I can look back on it now, and see that he was flirting, but at the time, I thought he was just very talkative. He ordered for me, which I liked, and I drank two glasses of wine because I was nervous, even though I knew he didn’t drink at all. (Also, I’d had one glass of wine before he got there, because I was really nervous.) All in all, the stars must have aligned and something clicked. I liked him. He was easy to be with.

And he liked me too.

So here’s to love. Not fairy tale love. Not romance novel love. Real life love. Love that is good and strong and worthy. Love that works hard and keeps trying. Love that laughs and cries and screams at the top of its lungs. Here’s to grown-up love.

5 thoughts on “~Fall~

  1. Dang. I can only hit “like” once. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, but more as it relates to submission. We have so much of the romantic crap thrown at us, but I just want the real thing. Not the poems and pretty pictures. You know?

  2. Heh, interesting coincidence. I love that song too, and it was the first song I reached for a few nights ago, walking home to the boyfriend I live with who has been struggling with poly recently and was thinking about whether or not he needed to leave (he’s decided to stay for at least another year no matter what). I don’t remember if I’d started dating this boyfriend yet when I first heard it, but that aching love applies to both of my relationships. A little less constantly these days, but it’s still there.

      1. Thank you. 🙂 I firmly believe things will be fine in the end, one way or another. Too busy these days to believe anything else!

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