Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory



No.  I’m not doing a podcast.

I did, however, get mentioned on the Poly Weekly podcast over the weekend.  I noticed a flurry of hits to one of my writings, and traced it back here:  http://polyweekly.com/2014/01/pw-380-advice-secondary/

Oddly, I haven’t been able to listen to it.  Special Man Friend listened for me, and said it was fine and that I should listen to it, but I’m nervous and self-conscious about the whole thing.  I feel like a little girl who is suddenly looking at her feet and shuffling her toe in the dirt when she gets noticed.  It’s kind of scary.

I’m considering a trip to the Atlanta Poly Weekend in June.  I’m debating submitting a class proposal, but I’d love to just attend and absorb too.  I can’t make my mind up about anything lately.  SMF and I had a big blow up a few days ago, and everything feels tenuous and unclear right now.  I told him tonight, that I needed to take a step back, and figure out what it is that I really need.  One of the last things he said to me earlier, was “Thank you for not breaking up with me tonight.”  I know it was a little bit tongue in cheek.

But only a little bit.


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My New Year’s Resolution, or theme for the year, is “Do good things. (But not all the good things!!)”

I’m a bit of a failed perfectionist, as my daddy called me once when I was much younger. At the time I didn’t understand, I thought he was making a joke that wasn’t very funny. And maybe he was. But I have often not started projects, or attempted new things, out of a sense of impending failure. After all, if I wouldn’t be able to do it well, (or perfectly) why even try?

It’s horrible reasoning.

I cleaned and organized half of my pantry. I stood back and smiled and felt okay about it. I enjoyed how nice it looked. I need to learn to embrace baby steps.

Here’s a good little resource I found:


My “good things” theme also extends to my relationships and to learning new things. I’m shopping around for a good camera. I’ve wanted to get back into photography for some time. I’ve got a few other things brewing as well.

As far as my relationships go, at this point I know I just want more…of…something. It’s difficult for me to admit that I really do want something different than what I have, right now. Special Man Friend has said it, almost from the beginning. I need more. I want more. And he can’t give it to me. I’m just not sure what that looks like, and I’m a little scared. Our level of entanglement is complicated and I don’t know where to go with that.

So here’s to finding more good things. As hard as that may be.



I have a small aversion to talking on the phone.  I can’t remember a time when making phone calls didn’t give me pause.  It’s an odd anxiety, and I have no idea where it came from or why it exists.  The good news is that it doesn’t stop me from doing the things I need to do.  It doesn’t affect me at work.  The bad news is that it is the root of some of my rampant procrastination that manifests in my day to day personal life.

I tackled a few calls this morning.  I felt myself starting to cry when I had trouble making one of my appointments.  Then I felt silly for a little while because of it, before moving on and finishing the things on my list.  I feel okay about the things I got done.

Humans are funny creatures.

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I have nothing to do today.

Actually, I have a lot that I should do.  I just don’t have anything that I have to do.  No schedule, no obligations.  It’s glorious.

The wedding was tiring and stressful.  But most importantly today, it’s just simply over.  Special Man was a good friend throughout it all, and I think that I only annoyed him a little bit as we neared the end of the evening.  I get overloaded around a lot of people, in big social situations, and after three days of meeting people and making small talk, with the kids also over stimulated with cousins and family and unfamiliar territory, I found myself retreating to the kitchen of the church under the (very valid) guise of helping with keeping the food tables stocked.  Special Man hunted me down a few times and dragged me back to see certain key events: bouquet toss, father daughter dance, video presentation.

It has been nice to see my sisters who live far away, and I enjoyed seeing my nieces and nephews and how much they have grown.  It’s surreal to think that some of my sisters have young adult children, with lives and relationships and autonomy.  I have known these children since they were born.  I watched several of them being born.

Feeling my mortality today.  Not in a morbid way, just in a Circle Of Life kind of way.  I‘ve got a couple days off to catch up on life, and the kids go back to school tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to resuming regular life.

Or maybe I’ll just take a nap.

Regular posting will resume when I wake.



I knew this week would be hard. I knew that I would have to put on a smile and act more like the girl I used to be, when I was younger, when I was naive. When I had no idea that there was a world outside of church and marriage. I just didn’t realize it would be this hard.

My baby sister is getting married. Tomorrow. And she is very much a baby. It’s not that I see myself in her, but rather that I see some of my choices in her choices. Marriage at 21, to a boy she has known for eight months. Dishtowels and children. I overheard her saying she’s dropping out of college. Now I know that I might just be projecting my life experiences onto her. In fact, I most likely am. But being aware of that doesn’t make it any easier to smile and be happy for her when my cynicism is screaming in my head that she’s too young; it’s too soon; she could be so much more.

Last night was the bridal shower. All my sisters were together, from as far away as New York. There are eight of us, and it was interesting to observe the interactions. We present as a good Mormon family, at least when my mother is around. It’s not that she doesn’t know that we are having sex with men we aren’t married too. That we don’t go to church. That some of us don’t believe in a god. It’s simply that she doesn’t acknowledge it very often. She wants to believe that we are the little girls she raised us to be: sweet, compliant, righteous. Good.

Don’t get me wrong. I know she loves us. But sometimes I think she sees herself as a Martyred Mother Who Has Unconditional Love For Her Sinful Children.

Maybe that isn’t even true. Maybe it’s just how I see it.

Tonight is the “Rehearsal Dinner”, which doesn’t follow any type of rehearsal whatsoever, because Baby Sister will be married in the LDS temple tomorrow, and only worthy Mormons are allowed to attend. Most of my family will not be able to watch her get married, including my father. I married in a temple many years ago, and it was the same, though at that point, my father was still in the church and was able to attend with my mother, as they were still married. I’m not sure if he will dare bring his girlfriend of ten plus years tonight. Probably not, though I wish he would.

I am, however, bringing Special Man to both dinner tonight and the wedding reception tomorrow night. This afternoon he will be here to help me load up the flowers and run them by the church for set up so that we are ready to go tomorrow. I’ve made so many centerpieces, I never want to look at purple hydrangeas again. I still have a few things to do, but I’m mostly done. Ironically, her bouquet is the prettiest, and was the easiest thing to get done. It’s beautiful.

I want her to have a good life, full of love and happiness. But at the shower, when asked to write a bit of marriage advice to her for a book that someone was putting together, I choked. My marriage failed. I am not convinced I will ever marry again, no matter how in love I am. In the end, I tried to think of some good life advice. “Use a written budget and stick to it.”

That’s all I had.