Hi Ginger,
I really enjoy reading your blog. I’ve been in a relationship with a married man with 2 little ones for a year in a half now. The wife is Asexual so she opt to having an open marriage 3 years ago. Their rule was that each could have sexual relationship out side the marriage but each did not want to know what the other was doing. About 4 months ago the wife decided she wanted to know since the husband was out on a regular basis or maybe she saw a change. She also wanted to met me. I was excited and nervous all at the same time when this happened. She started inviting me to join them for game night. I was introduced to their mutual friends. I even babysat the little ones so they could have time together. Unfortunately a few things happened that hurt my feelings. Silly little things but non the less things that bothered me. I was fine when we were all around other people but when it was just me and the both of them the atmosphere was not good for me. The agreement was that when we are all together there would be no physical contact. I didn’t even get a hug when i walked through the door. That just hurts me since i’m a very physical person and I love him and its hard for me not to give him a hug or touch his hand, etc. Anyway i told Hubby that i just couldn’t do it anymore and he agreed. Thing have been quite and my soul feels more at ease. We went back to having our Friday nights and right after he told wife he was taking those nights again she kind of got upset that he wanted to go out again. I’m getting too emotionally attached to this very family oriented man. I know he loves me but he has made it clear that he will never leave his wife and they will always be his world. If it was up to him they’d live side by side in two separate homes. They would all still have dinner, weekends and holidays as a family but she would not dictate how he should live his life. Basically they’ve grown apart through the years. Unfortunately that also tells me that there is no room in his Real Life for me. I will always be that fun girl he loves to hang out with. I have no doubt that he loves me but i’m not sure if i want to continue to Love someone who has no place for me in his Real Life. I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. Being secondary is not an easy thing. I don’t want him to divorce his wife and i don’t want to live with him. I guess i just wish i was more part of the family. My kids where my world and i guess i miss that and wish i could be part of their lives but obviously that did not work well for us.
Do you have any advice for me and how to deal with these emotions?
Signed,
Polymonogamous
Hi! I hope it’s okay with you for me to post this public comment you left on my “About” page in it’s own post. I’m hoping to get feedback and advice from others, because honestly, I’m not sure what kind of guidance I can offer. It sounds like what you are longing for is more entanglement, and that’s something that needs to be negotiated. You have three options. Negotiate for what you want. Adjust to not having what you want. Or walk away. It sounds like his wife was comfortable with trying to integrate you more, and in having more overlap, but it was you who was uncomfortable with her request not to see physical touch between you and her husband. Maybe this is something she would become more comfortable with as time went on, maybe not. You’re the only one who can decide if the glass is half full, or half empty. It’s okay for you to want something different! I know it’s not great advice, but I’m really just a girl who is muddling her way through all this too. I just happen to have a shiny blog with a really catchy name. 🙂
~Ginger
Feedback anyone? Comment below!
Poly Nirvana 
Thanks for your advice Ginger and for posting my comment. I’ll appreciate any feedback to help me sort through my feelings. You’re right, I do have to decide what I want and need from this relationship. Compromise is key with all relationships but a little harder when there is more than two in the party.
The problem and the ONLY PROBLEM I see from reading your followers comment is that she SIMPLY is a POLY person and they are BOTH not. He wants to have his cake and eat it to….while the wife doesn’t even what the cake in the house ..or if she does then that cake has to be quiet and not get any crumbs on the floor. The wife and/or possibly the husband will NEVER get to your way thinking because their definition and slant towards what an open marriage is not the same as yours and probably NEVER will be.
You say he (probably loves you) . That’s fine. BUT he should see that this situation HURTS you. He needs to either FIGHT for you (married or not) OR just man up and tell you that this isn’t going to work out.
I do hope you find a resolution to this but in YOUR favor…NOT theirs….YOU should not be dictated to how you should feel. Relationships are a challenge but at their core they should be fun, loving, giving and NOT one sided ….else why are you in it? Good luck dear.
You are right, relationships should be fun, loving, giving and not one sided. When I’m with him that is truly how i feel. I just think i need more than i have right now but I’m not sure what.
Your comment about the wife has to stay quiet and not get any crumbs on the floor made me laugh. There is a little truth to that. Thank you for giving me your thoughts!
Glad to help and give you a little laugh in the process my dear…:)
This sounds like a really painful situation to me, and my best advice is to seriously consider whether you want to continue forward in this situation with the limitations stated. From the description provided it does not sound like either of them are willing to grow or change or negotiate, if that is really the case I don’t see it as the sort relationship that I could even maintain.
I find it untenable to be a new partner when an existing relationship is set up to prevent new relationships from building real connections. I have also had nothing but grief come out of trying to date anyone who is in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship structure. When there are agreements that I have no say in and I can not re-negotiate, like “no physical contact”, it’s a huge red flag that things are not going to be good for me.
Also, if someone were to tell me that “there is no room in his Real Life for me”, I would end the relationship immeditately. I am not a plaything, an occaisional amusement or a pastime; that is limiting, hurtful and dehumanizing.
Hi Camille,
This relationship brings me a mix of joy and pain. Thankfully more joy, if not i would have hit the road a long time ago. I’ve lived in the monogamous world all my life and I feel i’m more Monogamous than Poly. I’m a very opened minded person so I’m always willing to try new things BUT if i truly where a poly person i guess i would be dating more than just my married man right now. I know i really should be dating others but…… I guess that’s my struggle right now. How long do i continue with this relationship, should I date others or should i just run like hell on this one and move on.
Thank you for your comment. I truly find comfort in hearing other peoples views on my situation.
P.S.- I could use a spell checker myself. 🙂
Ummm… I clearly need a spell checker and possibly an editor.