Last night a couple of my demons came out from their hiding places, just to remind me that they are still there. They are smaller, and less threatening than I remember them being, but they still took me by surprise. Special Man and I had a date which for some reason, was difficult for me to relax into. We drove several hours up to some hot springs which closed earlier than we expected. The roads were icy and rough, which made my palms sweaty as I closed my eyes and flashed back on my car accident last September. SMF and I never ran out of things to talk about, but I found myself tense and worrying. Later, as we cuddled and laughed about silly things in bed, I felt myself relax.
And then,some time after, in just a few seconds, something happened. There was a look on his face, a look I’m so familiar with, a look that makes me feel loved and wanted and needed and beautiful and connected. And I went from elation, to a great longing to keep that look for just myself. I felt possessive and territorial. I flashed on him sharing that look, that moment, with others.
I didn’t like it. I felt emotional. Vulnerable. I didn’t like that either.
It’s a hard thing to be completely bare in front of someone, and I don’t mean baring your body. Laying your fears and demons out in front of someone you love, and risking rejection, judgement, or worse, indifference. I wiped away tears. He held me, kissed my forehead, gave me sips of water, and when it was time for him to leave, he covered me with a quilt and I was asleep before I heard his car drive away.