So this happened:
A few days later, this:
And today, this:
My words are coming back, ever so softly. I don’t have all the answers. My poly is muddy, and I am not so sure of myself anymore. Is poly something you do, or something you are?
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Poly Nirvana 
Though I describe myself as “I am poly”, I think of it in more nuanced terms:
You *are* a person why *can do* poly, by your nature of being intelligent, wise, giving, loving, secure, etc.
Also: love *isn’t* enough… it’s just one part of a larger whole that makes any relationship work.
I think I’m with you. I’ve read the authors who claim that nonmonogamy is in our genes, as we are part of the animal kingdom, yadda yadda. I’m relationship flexible. Also, I have a brain and freedom of choice. I think I could be happy in a wide variety of relationships, so in the end I just have to be self aware enough to take each encounter and person who comes into my life for who they are and to be proactive in getting my needs met as well.
Thanks for letting me think out loud, my friend. 😉
I hope things resolve themselves for you, one or the other with him specifically. I don’t think you want too much. You want what you want. There is nothing wrong with that.
I think I have said this before regarding the “Poly” question, that your frame of reference for what “Poly” means to you is not the same as for Him or his wife. Perhaps an assumption was made by all parties that certain things were understood but I don’t think a real discussion was ever made until you were in too deep with him to pull out. I could be way off base. I am just trying to give a frame of reference for you to work through so you can sort it all out in your own mind.
I think being Poly is a personal understanding of all parties involved in that one group relationship at that given time. EVERYONE has their limits and boundaries in relationship whether they are Poly or not and its always good to have a sit down discussion in a very adult way regarding the expectations and WANTS of all the parties involved before you get swept up into the romance of the situation. (I know, easier said than done)
Ah…its too bad we all are not clairvoyant to avoid situations such as these…but then would we anyone ever get involved at all then….:) Take care dear wishing you the best , much hugs xo
That is a great question. Is poly something you do or something you are? Perhaps neither, perhaps polyamory is a belief and a hope for a better world.
So I’ve been chewing on this idea that polyamory is a “hope for a better world”. And I just don’t buy the implication that somehow monogamy makes for a *less* better world? I like choice, and I like that people have choices. There are so many personalities and people and relationship styles, that I’d like to see all sorts of relationship configurations represented accepted, and embraced, everywhere I look… I think that would be my better world.
Oh boy. I am sorry!!! This stuff can be confusing and painful and not go in any way like we expect it to. Hugs!
Thanks, sweet clara. (Even though I know that’s not really you in your avatar, I always love seeing that cute little picture, and I imagine it *is* really you!)
Sending warm thoughts your way.
My stance is similar to WryGuy’s. I will usually abbreviate what I mean and say “I’m poly” to people, but in full, poly is something I’m doing right now, and I identify as someone who is capable of doing either polyamory or monogamy and being happy with either style.
Right now all three of us in my relationship core are struggling in our own ways, and some, but not all, of it is directly related to poly logistics.
Yeah, it’s hard sometimes, isn’t it? (Or a lot of the time…)
For me, I say poly is part of who I am. Not that I look for it, but if it happens, then great. If not, that’s great too. It’s that I know I can be in love more than one at a time, but doesn’t mean I can’t possibly be happy with just one. Just follow your head and your heart, what’s right for you right now.