Sometimes I look around and wonder what on earth I was thinking.
Poly is hard, guys.
Special Man has a new interest. I suppose at this point he might refer to her as a girlfriend, though I’ve not heard him say it out loud. I know she considers him a boyfriend. And I know I’m supposed to be happy and compersive.
But I’m not, exactly.
Oh I get fleeting touches of it, this elusive compersion. It’s nice to see that someone he likes, likes him back. I like that he is happy. But mostly what I’m feeling is territorial. I’M supposed to be the girlfriend.
It’s all very decidedly UN-poly of me. (Commence pouting.)
She’s a great person. No, she’s a fantastic person. She’s beautiful. She is creative and artistic. She is strong, energetic, enthusiastic, friendly, funny, and she has a great laugh. Also she looks wonderful without makeup. She likes animals. (SMF loves animals. I mostly just like a few, and tolerate the rest.) And I KNOW it’s not supposed to be a competition, but humans are fickle creatures, and I’m a little insecure.
He will debate that he and I first met Mrs. A on the same day, but really, she was my friend first. SMF and I met Mrs. A and Mr. A for coffee, after they contacted me online, and were interested in dipping their toes in the kink community. At that point they were monogamous. So add that to the list of Things That Make Ginger Nervous: people brand spanking new to poly.
I genuinely like and enjoy Mrs. A. She is kind and thoughtful, and I think she’s a wonderful addition to my poly network. I really do. This too, scares me. If I’m struggling with this new girl in spite of the fact that she’s considerate and loving and mindful of others, what does that make me? (Add guilt to the pouting.)
Underlying this new relationship, is the attempted breakup with SMF at the beginning of the summer. We spent a few months in limbo, trying to let go, but never quite being able to. Then came a renegotiation and redefining of our relationship.
The pendulum has swung, and though I’m committed to my partner and my people, I’m having a little poly performance anxiety.
(End pout.)
Poly Nirvana 
I really appreciate your unfiltered introspection and transparency. Thanks for sharing your feelings, which I think many of us can relate to. I feel less alone in my poly struggles by your honest posts.
Thank you for saying so! Sitting alone in my kitchen, I find myself second guessing these posts, so it’s nice to know they are useful. 🙂
I have to second the usefulness of posts like this. I live in fear of this. When Traveler said he was open to dating again now, and that he was looking a little I FREAKED. I tried to be all supportive, especially because he’s always so supportive of me. It is a fact of life that we are in an open poly relationship and he WILL have other women. But oh how I fear it. It’s not really that I have some issue with him having sex. Sometimes I LIKE that idea. It’s more that I am afraid I’ll lose my place. I’m afraid he’ll be even busier or that he and this new person will be BETTER. I’m afraid he’ll just not need me if he has them. And I know that’s silly, but it’s also not that silly, so here comes the fear right?
But the thing is.. and I hate this… loving people is ALWAYS a risk. Monogamous stuff breaks all the time. Poly stuff breaks. Relationships just aren’t usually forever. And that’s a very very sharp pill to me. I’m working on accepting the risk. It’s worth it. And when I get all scaredy-cat (even though he’s not dating anyone YET) I try to surround myself with these thoughts. I will think the bad stuff because I’m still me and I still have insecurities. I’m working on it. Sometimes the thing we fear most actually happens. But I try to remember that I’m okay even though the thing I feared has happened before. I didn’t like that, but to be honest all that love and time was worth the painful end and I’m okay. And it doesn’t always end either. Sometimes things do really last lifetimes and you can never guess.
I am totally allowed to have whatever feelings come, and so are you. It’s about what we do with them. I think if we use it as an excuse to be bullying and abusive and mean, or manipulative and blackmailing and throwing ultimatums, or withholding and selfish and distant.. then that’s on us. But.. if we write blogs and talk to friends and work out and do projects and hold our partners a little more or ask for sweet reassurances or talk honestly about our fears and accept love.. well.. then I think it’s okay. Fear can be a thing that makes us stronger or closer or more intimate too. And of course we do the work. But I try to remember and be gentle with me, because sometimes “doing the work” includes crying in the shower if you’re me. We have zero control over our feelings and thoughts, though we can choose how we respond and address them. Thanks for talking about this.
I keep waiting for it to get easier…but then when I step back and evaluate how things “really are”, I can see that it IS getting easier. I do the work. I sit with the feelings, and I don’t let them paralyze me (for long, anyway.) I feel my feelings, and I choose my actions. I’m an active participant in my own life. I kind of like that. 🙂
Thats totally how to do it.