Sometimes I look around and wonder what on earth I was thinking.
Poly is hard, guys.
Special Man has a new interest. I suppose at this point he might refer to her as a girlfriend, though I’ve not heard him say it out loud. I know she considers him a boyfriend. And I know I’m supposed to be happy and compersive.
But I’m not, exactly.
Oh I get fleeting touches of it, this elusive compersion. It’s nice to see that someone he likes, likes him back. I like that he is happy. But mostly what I’m feeling is territorial. I’M supposed to be the girlfriend.
It’s all very decidedly UN-poly of me. (Commence pouting.)
She’s a great person. No, she’s a fantastic person. She’s beautiful. She is creative and artistic. She is strong, energetic, enthusiastic, friendly, funny, and she has a great laugh. Also she looks wonderful without makeup. She likes animals. (SMF loves animals. I mostly just like a few, and tolerate the rest.) And I KNOW it’s not supposed to be a competition, but humans are fickle creatures, and I’m a little insecure.
He will debate that he and I first met Mrs. A on the same day, but really, she was my friend first. SMF and I met Mrs. A and Mr. A for coffee, after they contacted me online, and were interested in dipping their toes in the kink community. At that point they were monogamous. So add that to the list of Things That Make Ginger Nervous: people brand spanking new to poly.
I genuinely like and enjoy Mrs. A. She is kind and thoughtful, and I think she’s a wonderful addition to my poly network. I really do. This too, scares me. If I’m struggling with this new girl in spite of the fact that she’s considerate and loving and mindful of others, what does that make me? (Add guilt to the pouting.)
Underlying this new relationship, is the attempted breakup with SMF at the beginning of the summer. We spent a few months in limbo, trying to let go, but never quite being able to. Then came a renegotiation and redefining of our relationship.
The pendulum has swung, and though I’m committed to my partner and my people, I’m having a little poly performance anxiety.