~Blood~

I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have much tolerance for people who feel sorry for themselves.  I want to shake them and tell them to DO something for themselves, anything that might help.

So add impatience with my self-pity to the actual Feeling Sorry-ness and I’m just a mess.

Mostly it’s being in the hospital with my Georgia, who’s had a complication that is keeping us here at least another day.  Maybe longer.  It’s fixable, it’s manageable, but I’m tired and whiny and I want my own bed.

I feel particularly single right now.

Single in my parenthood. Single in the Big Life Stuff.  Last night Special Man and CC were here for about an hour and sat with Georgia while I took a shower. I wanted to cry when they left.  This is all mine to deal with. I’m a big brave girl, but today I’m tired and spread thin.

Sometimes I imagine NOT being single.  And I have to admit, I don’t really like the idea of too much entanglement. I honestly don’t ever want my finances enmeshed with another person.  I don’t want or need another person trying to parent my children.  I think that if the time came that I wanted to overlap my life with someone on a larger scale, it would take a lot of negotiation and renegotiation in order to make that work.

There’s a discussion in my solo-poly group about whether or not they’ve ever considered “returning” to monogamy.  It’s super interesting to hear the different viewpoints.  I consider myself relationship flexible.  I am consciously trying to be open to what comes to me, and that might include monogamy.  There are others who view being polyamorous as an identity or orientation that is unchangeable.  I have asked the question before, “Is Poly something you ARE or something you DO?” and I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.  I think it’s an individual thing.

But that’s just me.

This summer I lost a couple of female friendships that were significant to me, and I’m still feeling the loss.  It was complicated and messy, there was conflict and a subsequent choosing of sides.  I really thought I’d be over it by now, but the whole thing truly shocked me.  My whole little poly network was involved and affected, and there’s been a residual…well…shunning, for lack of a better word.  Anyway, I’m thinking about it this morning, because it makes me a little sad.  I tend to be very loyal, and this particular situation made me feel disposable, and this morning I could really use some true friends.  I thought I had that.  But I was mistaken.

Alright, I’m done feeling sorry for myself.  Done!

I am very excited about Christmas, and as soon as I get my daughter home I’m going to bake and decorate and make gifts for the people I love.  (After I take a nap.)