Today on the big bad interwebz, I read a brief rant and subsequent discussion about the term “unicorn hunters” and are there really that many out there, and how it seems like there are more people who complain about the unicorn hunters than there are actual unicorn hunters.
Umm, no.
Here are my thoughts, in random and meandering fashion, because, well, that’s what I’m good at, and I might as well stick with what I know.
As a single female, my complaint about unicorn hunters is that they come at you from the following place:
“Hi! We are looking for Our Unicorn!” (And usually from the female partner. I’m not sure why.)
Not: “We are individuals in a committed relationship, exploring additional emotionally attached human relationships. We would love to explore a triad with the right person, what are you looking for?”
Or, better yet (and yes, I’ve seen ads and gotten messages that are almost this blatant):
Hi! We are looking for Our Third! She will be sexy and fun and equally available to both of us to play with or not play with, but only with the two of us together, because we are a couple and a unit and nothing will ever come between us, so basically there would be US, and there will be you. Because you know, we’ve been together for a long time and we intend to never let anything get between us, even a unicorn, we want fun and sex and this new thing called Polyamory sounds just great! Oh, and by the by, there are these rules that the two of us made, so that we can feel safe and good with each other, but don’t worry about that yet. As long as you don’t feel closer to one of us over the other, or text one of us when the other is feeling insecure, then it will be fine. And maybe try not to be TOO cute or TOO sexy, because, jealousy. No matter what, our relationship comes first. So, you know, wanna be Our Unicorn?
Is everyone like this? No. But there is a reason that it’s a stereotype.
My eye starts to twitch, every time I see the infamous sentence “We are looking for Our Unicorn”. I’m not sure if it’s the words themselves, or the whole stereotypical attitude that I’ve seen attached to them, over and over and over. But do yourselves a favor. If you are a Unicorn Hunter, just don’t. Approach people as individuals, as potential connections, as possible friends. State what you are looking for, but also, ask what potential partners are looking for. If you want a casual occasional tryst as a threesome, awesome. Find someone who is looking for that too.
But here’s the thing. There are a lot of solo-polyamorists now, (who may be UNICORNS) who are looking for different kinds of relationships. We want fulfilling, emotional connections. Don’t say you want one thing, when what you really want is another. We are each open to different levels of connection, but the bottom line is, we are people. Not a label. Calling me a unicorn, is akin to calling me a MILF. Yeah, yeah, maybe it has it’s place. But it takes away my personhood. And when you say, We are looking for Our UNICORN, you are reducing me fill a slot, a slot that you have defined, and any old unicorn will do.
Poly Nirvana 
Yes. Yes this. Yes this happens. A lot. I am a single bisexual woman and I am INUNDATED with this. I’ve written about it a lot too for this reason. I get OODLES and OODLES of messages from these couples telling me that they have this slot, like a job opening and they are looking for this and this in a girl and want this and that and they are super interested in me. They don’t usually mention anything about me as a person or as a body that interested them. They don’t ask a single thing about me most of the time. They don’t seem to give a rat’s ass who or what I am and seem interested only in knowing if I fit into their little unicorn box. Check!
Ugh. Every once is a super great while I get a message from a person who is part of a couple where both of the people found something interesting or whatever and express an interest in meeting me or talking to me or finding out if I might have similar interest. And that is HOT. I love threesomes. I love them. I love people liking me. If two members of a couple looked at my profile or pic and thought I was cute or funny or interesting, well.. then that’s just awesome and flattering and interesting. And if they were ever interested in meeting me and in being open to exploring what the dynamic might be between all of us without sending me a laundry list of rules and demands that are preset and I must adhere to.. with NO input.. because I’m not a person who would actually be in this relationship.. well.. shit.. I’d go out with them. It’d be so hot to meet a couple of nice foxy people who thought I was nice and foxy and wanting to talk to me and get to know me to see what if anything there’d be there.
Shit.. it’d be nice if the couples messaging to ask me to have a threesome with them and disappear had any genuine interest in me.. as an individual.. like were attracted to ME. You know? If they were cute and liked similar things and said something like.. We read and liked your profile. I think you seen kinda funny or sassy and Jim or Joe or Bob or whover thinks your ass is ridiculously hot. We’d love to meet for a drink and talk about some naughty interests and see if maybe we could all have some fun. Well.. I might get a drink and feel all flattered!
So.. to support your post..
1) Yes. There are LOTS of unicorn hunters and they message constantly, spamming every girl on the internet.
2) Yes it IS a problem to feel like roving bands of couples are hunting you down simply because you fit a set of criteria and they’d like to get you to agree to their rules and want what they want and they aren’t interested in what you want.
3). They lie. A lot. I’ve chatted a couple of times with the female of the couple and even a couple of times went to meet her before she admitted she has NO interest in me and is seeking to meet me for her husband/boyfriend/lover or for threesomes she doesn’t actually seem to want to please her boyfriend/husband/lover. Not hot.
4) I didn’t use to complain about unicorn hunters. I myself would love to meet a lovely woman to play with or casually date my boyfriend and I. I have no problem at all with wanting bi fun. I want bi fun. But I have been worn down to a nub with this stuff. My AFF account especially is stuffed with couples hunting for any woman who fits a certain little box definition.
5) Not all people who would like a third or threesomes is a unicorn hunter. I’m not. I’d like to have a nice friendship with someone and it’d be so cool if that translated to fucking my boyfriend and I sometimes. I’m less interested in a third, now that I know what that’s actually like. 🙂
Thanks for this. Sorry for the novel of a comment.
I was just about to say, “I had a super funny conversation with SPC about this over the weekend!” and then, BAM! ^There’s her comment. 🙂
Do you ever, when people approach you about your unicorny-ness, want to say, “So… Are you a brony? Because I have standards, you know.”
{For your amusement: http://bronycon.org/}
Or perhaps, “So sorry… I’d love to lend a hoof, but I just got them painted.”
:: eyeroll ::
If it’s any consolation, I can tell you that finding a guy to be a threesome partner is equally ridonculous (via online outlets anyway), but in an opposite way:
So, I know absolutely nothing about you and really, that doesn’t matter because you have a vagina!!!! And I have a dick! And pretty much, I’ll do anything to get my dick inside any vagina I can find, so that works, right? And I’m totally CLEAN! Like, I take showers and EVERYTHING. Plus, I know I’m disease-free because I always use condoms except for during oral sex. Everyone knows you can’t catch anything from oral. Also, I’m totally down for ANYTHING. Except, y’know, man sex. And really, your husband shouldn’t even *look* at me when I’m fucking you, because that’s just… GAY. Oh, but I’m cool with gay guys. Just so we’re clear. And lesbians are HOT. Do you know any lesbians we can fuck together? That would be HOT. And it’s still a threesome if there are lesbians, right? So, you wanna fuck or what? My dick is HUGE. (This last sentence is sometimes accompanied by a photo of an erect penis next to a soda can. The soda can wins.)
And those are the ones who can actually construct a coherent sentence.
#vajidiots
I’m sorry you ladies have to deal with such crap-tasticness. It *does* make for fantastic blog fodder though. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
Love the “rules”. They are a clear indication of how badly this is going to go for “The Unicorn” or even in a solo poly arrangement , the outward show of entitlement of the couple and disposability of the third. Hearing that , anyone should turn and run the other way.