Today on the big bad interwebz, I read a brief rant and subsequent discussion about the term “unicorn hunters” and are there really that many out there, and how it seems like there are more people who complain about the unicorn hunters than there are actual unicorn hunters.
Here are my thoughts, in random and meandering fashion, because, well, that’s what I’m good at, and I might as well stick with what I know.
As a single female, my complaint about unicorn hunters is that they come at you from the following place:
“Hi! We are looking for Our Unicorn!” (And usually from the female partner. I’m not sure why.)
Not: “We are individuals in a committed relationship, exploring additional emotionally attached human relationships. We would love to explore a triad with the right person, what are you looking for?”
Or, better yet (and yes, I’ve seen ads and gotten messages that are almost this blatant):
Hi! We are looking for Our Third! She will be sexy and fun and equally available to both of us to play with or not play with, but only with the two of us together, because we are a couple and a unit and nothing will ever come between us, so basically there would be US, and there will be you. Because you know, we’ve been together for a long time and we intend to never let anything get between us, even a unicorn, we want fun and sex and this new thing called Polyamory sounds just great! Oh, and by the by, there are these rules that the two of us made, so that we can feel safe and good with each other, but don’t worry about that yet. As long as you don’t feel closer to one of us over the other, or text one of us when the other is feeling insecure, then it will be fine. And maybe try not to be TOO cute or TOO sexy, because, jealousy. No matter what, our relationship comes first. So, you know, wanna be Our Unicorn?
Is everyone like this? No. But there is a reason that it’s a stereotype.
My eye starts to twitch, every time I see the infamous sentence “We are looking for Our Unicorn”. I’m not sure if it’s the words themselves, or the whole stereotypical attitude that I’ve seen attached to them, over and over and over. But do yourselves a favor. If you are a Unicorn Hunter, just don’t. Approach people as individuals, as potential connections, as possible friends. State what you are looking for, but also, ask what potential partners are looking for. If you want a casual occasional tryst as a threesome, awesome. Find someone who is looking for that too.
But here’s the thing. There are a lot of solo-polyamorists now, (who may be UNICORNS) who are looking for different kinds of relationships. We want fulfilling, emotional connections. Don’t say you want one thing, when what you really want is another. We are each open to different levels of connection, but the bottom line is, we are people. Not a label. Calling me a unicorn, is akin to calling me a MILF. Yeah, yeah, maybe it has it’s place. But it takes away my personhood. And when you say, We are looking for Our UNICORN, you are reducing me fill a slot, a slot that you have defined, and any old unicorn will do.