I had a date.
A FIRST date, no less. Now, maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it really was. I think I have first date stage fright.
It doesn’t matter if I know my date previously or not, though I will say that blind dates are particularly painful. Especially if it’s someone I’ve met through OkCupid. Anyway, this guy did, in fact, find me on OKC.
I’m very, ummm…, selective (fine, picky).
I don’t have the time or energy or desire for lots of dates. Or people. Or anxiety.
So when The Hippie (hey, he proclaimed himself a hippie, so who am I to argue with such an easy nickname) and I hit it off via messaging, I thought, Ok. Let’s do it. At the very least, I have a new friend. (Because I genuinely do like him.) But then you get the big D word in there (DATE, you perv), and I get all weird.
Except I wasn’t really weird.
It was fine. Pleasant. Easy. Chemistry? I’m not sure. (Man, I sure hope he doesn’t read this, I don’t think he even knows I blog…) I didn’t find myself watching his mouth and wanting to know how it felt on me. I don’t think I noticed his hands or his fingers, and wondered what his touch felt like.
Okay, so no white hot chemistry. Damn.
He walked me to my car. He kissed me a little. It was good. I may see him again.
Turns out he also has seen Mrs. A a few times. And I don’t know what the future holds for them, but I don’t really want to be involved with someone whose partners overlap to that degree. And honestly, I asked him if he had gone out with CC as well, since there’s such a small poly community here. (He hadn’t.) This doesn’t have as much to do with my discomfort with Mrs. A specifically, as it does my unease with the sometimes “too close for comfort”, everyone knowing everything, poly network.
Tonight SMF is out on a first date of his own. And I’m not jealous. Not really. A little distracted, when I realized that it was 9:30 and he was three hours into his date, and what on earth were they doing for three hours and was he having a good time, and was she amazing and beautiful and sexy, and I bet they didn’t just have a fight and say sad and scary things to each other like we did, and she probably thinks he’s awesome, because he IS awesome, and I should have just let him wear the dirty socks because then if they went bowling, she would be unimpressed but NOOOOO, I had to tell him to wear clean socks because girls notice those kinds of things.
And now it’s 10:26 and he said he’d be home by 10:30, or would text me if it went later, and I’m watching the clock and wishing that I wasn’t.
But I’m not jealous.
I’m uncomfortable. I know he loves me. And I know he loves CC. And eventually, at some point, he will probably love someone else as well.
I hope I find more love too.
(Epilogue: I got a text at 10:41 and I really wish that 11 minutes didn’t make me nervous. It must have been an awesome date. )