Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

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tastes good

Salt my fingertips, and take them into your mouth.
Let me feel the wet
of your tongue as it moves

Pull my mouth to yours
remind me that I am still here
and that a little salt
can save




After we had been together for three years, he gave me a thing. He had been talking about it for a long time. He wanted my thing to be perfect, so he looked, patiently, with no regard to how long it may take, or how impatient I was with the waiting.

It was a lot of pressure. What if I didn’t like this thing he brought to me? I held the box in my hands, it was small and solid. I watched his face. He was nervous too. This man, this love of mine who also loved me, did not want to ever lose me. This thing was important.

He and I were the same in that moment. Tentative, somehow. Happy.

It was silver and heavy, with a purple stone. He put his favorite color on me. He knew I would like it, but it is not my favorite color.

It is his.

And that made me smile. wpid-2014-12-11-19.52.09.jpg.jpeg

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I had a date.

A FIRST date, no less.  Now, maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it really was.  I think I have first date stage fright.

It doesn’t matter if I know my date previously or not, though I will say that blind dates are particularly painful.  Especially if it’s someone I’ve met through OkCupid.  Anyway, this guy did, in fact, find me on OKC.

I’m very, ummm…, selective (fine, picky).

I don’t have the time or energy or desire for lots of dates.  Or people.  Or anxiety.

So when The Hippie (hey, he proclaimed himself a hippie, so who am I to argue with such an easy nickname) and I hit it off via messaging, I thought, Ok.  Let’s do it.  At the very least, I have a new friend.  (Because I genuinely do like him.)  But then you get the big D word in there (DATE, you perv), and I get all weird.

Except I wasn’t really weird.

It was fine.  Pleasant.  Easy.  Chemistry?  I’m not sure.  (Man, I sure hope he doesn’t read this, I don’t think he even knows I blog…) I didn’t find myself watching his mouth and wanting to know how it felt on me.  I don’t think I noticed his hands or his fingers, and wondered what his touch felt like.

Okay, so no white hot chemistry.  Damn.

He walked me to my car.  He kissed me a little. It was good.  I may see him again.


Turns out he also has seen Mrs. A a few times. And I don’t know what the future holds for them, but I don’t really want to be involved with someone whose partners overlap to that degree.  And honestly, I asked him if he had gone out with CC as well, since there’s such a small poly community here. (He hadn’t.) This doesn’t have as much to do with my discomfort with Mrs. A specifically, as it does my unease with the sometimes “too close for comfort”, everyone knowing everything, poly network.

Tonight SMF is out on a first date of his own.  And I’m not jealous.  Not really.  A little distracted, when I realized that it was 9:30 and he was three hours into his date, and what on earth were they doing for three hours and was he having a good time, and was she amazing and beautiful and sexy, and I bet they didn’t just have a fight and say sad and scary things to each other like we did, and she probably thinks he’s awesome, because he IS awesome, and I should have just let him wear the dirty socks because then if they went bowling, she would be unimpressed but NOOOOO, I had to tell him to wear clean socks because girls notice those kinds of things.

And now it’s 10:26 and he said he’d be home by 10:30, or would text me if it went later, and I’m watching the clock  and wishing that I wasn’t.

But I’m not jealous.

I’m uncomfortable.  I know he loves me.  And I know he loves CC.  And eventually, at some point, he will probably love someone else as well.  

I hope I find more love too.

(Epilogue: I got a text at 10:41 and I really wish that 11 minutes didn’t make me nervous. It must have been an awesome date. )

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After we had been together for a year
and a half,
he laid me on a table and told me to
do nothing.

He put his hands on me, and I thought

This is it.

…the moment he finally sees me, and knows that I am
too much. That I am too broken, too ugly, too unloveable.
His hands moved over me, pausing where he felt my fear, coaxing my body to relax into his palms.
It was painful to be the center of attention.

And not be allowed to hide.



Today on the big bad interwebz, I read a brief rant and subsequent discussion about the term “unicorn hunters” and are there really that many out there, and how it seems like there are more people who complain about the unicorn hunters than there are actual unicorn hunters.

Umm, no.

Here are my thoughts, in random and meandering fashion, because, well, that’s what I’m good at, and I might as well stick with what I know.

As a single female, my complaint about unicorn hunters is that they come at you from the following place:

“Hi!  We are looking for Our Unicorn!”  (And usually from the female partner. I’m not sure why.)

Not: “We are individuals in a committed relationship, exploring additional emotionally attached human relationships. We would love to explore a triad with the right person, what are you looking for?”  

Or, better yet (and yes, I’ve seen ads and gotten messages that are almost this blatant):

Hi! We are looking for Our Third!  She will be sexy and fun and equally available to both of us to play with or not play with, but only with the two of us together, because we are a couple and a unit and nothing will ever come between us, so basically there would be US, and there will be you. Because you know, we’ve been together for a long time and we intend to never let anything get between us, even a unicorn, we want fun and sex and this new thing called Polyamory sounds just great!  Oh, and by the by, there are these rules that the two of us made, so that we can feel safe and good with each other, but don’t worry about that yet.  As long as you don’t feel closer to one of us over the other, or text one of us when the other is feeling insecure, then it will be fine. And maybe try not to be TOO cute or TOO sexy, because, jealousy. No matter what, our relationship comes first.  So, you know, wanna be Our Unicorn?     

Is everyone like this?  No.  But there is a reason that it’s a stereotype.

My eye starts to twitch, every time I see the infamous sentence “We are looking for Our Unicorn”.  I’m not sure if it’s the words themselves, or the whole stereotypical attitude that I’ve seen attached to them, over and over and over.  But do yourselves a favor. If you are a Unicorn Hunter, just don’t.  Approach people as individuals, as potential connections, as possible friends.  State what you are looking for, but also, ask what potential partners are looking for.  If you want a casual occasional tryst as a threesome, awesome.  Find someone who is looking for that too.

But here’s the thing.  There are a lot of solo-polyamorists now, (who may be UNICORNS) who are looking for different kinds of relationships.  We want fulfilling, emotional connections.  Don’t say you want one thing, when what you really want is another.  We are each open to different levels of connection, but the bottom line is, we are people.  Not a label.  Calling me a unicorn, is akin to calling me a MILF.  Yeah, yeah, maybe it has it’s place.  But it takes away my personhood.  And when you say, We are looking for Our UNICORN, you are reducing me fill a slot, a slot that you have defined, and any old unicorn will do.



I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have much tolerance for people who feel sorry for themselves.  I want to shake them and tell them to DO something for themselves, anything that might help.

So add impatience with my self-pity to the actual Feeling Sorry-ness and I’m just a mess.

Mostly it’s being in the hospital with my Georgia, who’s had a complication that is keeping us here at least another day.  Maybe longer.  It’s fixable, it’s manageable, but I’m tired and whiny and I want my own bed.

I feel particularly single right now.

Single in my parenthood. Single in the Big Life Stuff.  Last night Special Man and CC were here for about an hour and sat with Georgia while I took a shower. I wanted to cry when they left.  This is all mine to deal with. I’m a big brave girl, but today I’m tired and spread thin.

Sometimes I imagine NOT being single.  And I have to admit, I don’t really like the idea of too much entanglement. I honestly don’t ever want my finances enmeshed with another person.  I don’t want or need another person trying to parent my children.  I think that if the time came that I wanted to overlap my life with someone on a larger scale, it would take a lot of negotiation and renegotiation in order to make that work.

There’s a discussion in my solo-poly group about whether or not they’ve ever considered “returning” to monogamy.  It’s super interesting to hear the different viewpoints.  I consider myself relationship flexible.  I am consciously trying to be open to what comes to me, and that might include monogamy.  There are others who view being polyamorous as an identity or orientation that is unchangeable.  I have asked the question before, “Is Poly something you ARE or something you DO?” and I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.  I think it’s an individual thing.

But that’s just me.

This summer I lost a couple of female friendships that were significant to me, and I’m still feeling the loss.  It was complicated and messy, there was conflict and a subsequent choosing of sides.  I really thought I’d be over it by now, but the whole thing truly shocked me.  My whole little poly network was involved and affected, and there’s been a residual…well…shunning, for lack of a better word.  Anyway, I’m thinking about it this morning, because it makes me a little sad.  I tend to be very loyal, and this particular situation made me feel disposable, and this morning I could really use some true friends.  I thought I had that.  But I was mistaken.

Alright, I’m done feeling sorry for myself.  Done!

I am very excited about Christmas, and as soon as I get my daughter home I’m going to bake and decorate and make gifts for the people I love.  (After I take a nap.)