Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

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After we had been together for a year
and a half,
he laid me on a table and told me to
do nothing.

He put his hands on me, and I thought

This is it.

…the moment he finally sees me, and knows that I am
too much. That I am too broken, too ugly, too unloveable.
His hands moved over me, pausing where he felt my fear, coaxing my body to relax into his palms.
It was painful to be the center of attention.

And not be allowed to hide.



Today on the big bad interwebz, I read a brief rant and subsequent discussion about the term “unicorn hunters” and are there really that many out there, and how it seems like there are more people who complain about the unicorn hunters than there are actual unicorn hunters.

Umm, no.

Here are my thoughts, in random and meandering fashion, because, well, that’s what I’m good at, and I might as well stick with what I know.

As a single female, my complaint about unicorn hunters is that they come at you from the following place:

“Hi!  We are looking for Our Unicorn!”  (And usually from the female partner. I’m not sure why.)

Not: “We are individuals in a committed relationship, exploring additional emotionally attached human relationships. We would love to explore a triad with the right person, what are you looking for?”  

Or, better yet (and yes, I’ve seen ads and gotten messages that are almost this blatant):

Hi! We are looking for Our Third!  She will be sexy and fun and equally available to both of us to play with or not play with, but only with the two of us together, because we are a couple and a unit and nothing will ever come between us, so basically there would be US, and there will be you. Because you know, we’ve been together for a long time and we intend to never let anything get between us, even a unicorn, we want fun and sex and this new thing called Polyamory sounds just great!  Oh, and by the by, there are these rules that the two of us made, so that we can feel safe and good with each other, but don’t worry about that yet.  As long as you don’t feel closer to one of us over the other, or text one of us when the other is feeling insecure, then it will be fine. And maybe try not to be TOO cute or TOO sexy, because, jealousy. No matter what, our relationship comes first.  So, you know, wanna be Our Unicorn?     

Is everyone like this?  No.  But there is a reason that it’s a stereotype.

My eye starts to twitch, every time I see the infamous sentence “We are looking for Our Unicorn”.  I’m not sure if it’s the words themselves, or the whole stereotypical attitude that I’ve seen attached to them, over and over and over.  But do yourselves a favor. If you are a Unicorn Hunter, just don’t.  Approach people as individuals, as potential connections, as possible friends.  State what you are looking for, but also, ask what potential partners are looking for.  If you want a casual occasional tryst as a threesome, awesome.  Find someone who is looking for that too.

But here’s the thing.  There are a lot of solo-polyamorists now, (who may be UNICORNS) who are looking for different kinds of relationships.  We want fulfilling, emotional connections.  Don’t say you want one thing, when what you really want is another.  We are each open to different levels of connection, but the bottom line is, we are people.  Not a label.  Calling me a unicorn, is akin to calling me a MILF.  Yeah, yeah, maybe it has it’s place.  But it takes away my personhood.  And when you say, We are looking for Our UNICORN, you are reducing me fill a slot, a slot that you have defined, and any old unicorn will do.



I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have much tolerance for people who feel sorry for themselves.  I want to shake them and tell them to DO something for themselves, anything that might help.

So add impatience with my self-pity to the actual Feeling Sorry-ness and I’m just a mess.

Mostly it’s being in the hospital with my Georgia, who’s had a complication that is keeping us here at least another day.  Maybe longer.  It’s fixable, it’s manageable, but I’m tired and whiny and I want my own bed.

I feel particularly single right now.

Single in my parenthood. Single in the Big Life Stuff.  Last night Special Man and CC were here for about an hour and sat with Georgia while I took a shower. I wanted to cry when they left.  This is all mine to deal with. I’m a big brave girl, but today I’m tired and spread thin.

Sometimes I imagine NOT being single.  And I have to admit, I don’t really like the idea of too much entanglement. I honestly don’t ever want my finances enmeshed with another person.  I don’t want or need another person trying to parent my children.  I think that if the time came that I wanted to overlap my life with someone on a larger scale, it would take a lot of negotiation and renegotiation in order to make that work.

There’s a discussion in my solo-poly group about whether or not they’ve ever considered “returning” to monogamy.  It’s super interesting to hear the different viewpoints.  I consider myself relationship flexible.  I am consciously trying to be open to what comes to me, and that might include monogamy.  There are others who view being polyamorous as an identity or orientation that is unchangeable.  I have asked the question before, “Is Poly something you ARE or something you DO?” and I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.  I think it’s an individual thing.

But that’s just me.

This summer I lost a couple of female friendships that were significant to me, and I’m still feeling the loss.  It was complicated and messy, there was conflict and a subsequent choosing of sides.  I really thought I’d be over it by now, but the whole thing truly shocked me.  My whole little poly network was involved and affected, and there’s been a residual…well…shunning, for lack of a better word.  Anyway, I’m thinking about it this morning, because it makes me a little sad.  I tend to be very loyal, and this particular situation made me feel disposable, and this morning I could really use some true friends.  I thought I had that.  But I was mistaken.

Alright, I’m done feeling sorry for myself.  Done!

I am very excited about Christmas, and as soon as I get my daughter home I’m going to bake and decorate and make gifts for the people I love.  (After I take a nap.)

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Thanksgiving was wonderful.  There’s no other word for it. It felt happy and comfortable.  My house was full, the food was delicious, and my kids didn’t embarrass me. After years of parenting, I figure if my children know this one rule, it covers most behavior:  Don’t embarrass me.  Fortunately, they can all quote this rule without any prompting.


Special Man and CC were here, and I had a particularly nice time being in CC’s space, and having her in mine.  I think we’ve finally made it to an authentic commitment to each other, as a part of this bigger picture of our individual relationships and how they affect us. It’s not just about being polite any more, which we were sometimes (too many times) not very good at.  Anyway, she is a much fancier cook than I am, and she made some amazing food, the kind that you take pictures of.  I’m the mother of many teenage boys…I made the basics, and yes, that included stuffing from a box.  Somehow it all worked together, my instant potatoes and gravy, side by side with her spinach gratin and pumpkin cheesecake.  I think that while cooking is her thing, getting my kids fed and happy is my thing, and everyone was satisfied.  We even had a ham and turkey.

I thought it was interesting that while I am fully about time and simplicity when it comes to food, It was important to me to have a pretty table, and nice dishes.  I conceded with super nice, heavy clear plastic plates, but we had tablecloths and candles and a few festive decorations, and we ate together.  It was a nice balance of formal and easy. I loved it, and everything just worked together.  My green bean casserole, with the canned soup and those exquisite fried onions, sat side by side with CC’s fancy brussels sprout, apple, bacon, almond, cranberry dish, and everyone was happy.  (Well, I was very happy.)


CC’s partner of a few years was also here, as were SMF’s sister and a date.  We had sixteen people and I didn’t stress out too much. I stressed out just the right amount, actually. The kids played Rock Band, we put a movie on, we colored with markers.

I can’t wait to do it again. I’m thinking about maybe instituting a monthly family poly dinner.  Sometimes small, sometimes larger, but just with people we are genuinely connected to.

Tomorrow is Georgia’s big surgery, and so I am in preparation mode.  SMF is here, after struggling each of the nights before the last two surgeries, I finally just came out and asked him to be with me the night before this one.  Monday night is generally the night he spends a few hours with Mrs. A, and I kind of wondered if it was unreasonable of me to even ask for him to be here instead of there.  And I decided, after two horrible “night-befores”, where I felt overwhelmed and worried and stressed out and alone…that it was better to say what I needed, and how I was feeling, and what I thought would help.  So here we are, I’m packing and puttering and baking banana muffins, and he’s working on job-related stuff upstairs, and everything feels just a little better.  He’s my people, and I’m glad he’s here. It’s nice to have a friend here, and he’ll stay tonight, and leave straight for work in the morning.

I’ll be on my own tomorrow, while Georgia is under anesthesia.  Special Man couldn’t take the day off of work.  I’m disappointed, but I don’t feel alone.  I’m important, and I’m loved, and I can do this.  Three major surgeries in eight weeks…  I’ll be relieved to celebrate New Year’s this year, with these behind us.

Good night.  Time for sleep.