Life is messy. It just is.
I started writing my blog because I needed to think out loud. I needed to organize my thoughts, in words, sentences; paragraphs. Along the way people noticed, and that was good too. I got feedback and validation and support. I heard from people who liked that I was so honest about the sometimes downright weirdness of polyamory. As if I could be anything else. I’m not an expert. I’m not even very good at it.
I’m tired. And there’s no sun in the sky. There’s been an inversion that makes everything dim and gray. Today I had all my lights on, my windows open AND my lightbox on, in an attempt to get some UV light. I wanted to go to bed and just lay there. Instead, I made my bed. I got dressed and ran two small errands, and had my hair done.
I fed the kids, I finished editing two photo shoots. These are successes. I should feel productive. I should feel good. Instead the voice in my head keeps a running list of everything I didn’t get done.
I’m okay. (There’s not an actual voice in my head, I’m just a little depressed, not hallucinatory.)
Things are very rocky with Special Man Friend and me. But I don’t think I trust my judgement right now.
And writing that, just now, actually makes me feel a little better. I don’t need to do, or decide, or figure anything out right now. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. He’s not going anywhere.
Now if I can just remember not to go anywhere either.