Once upon a time, I fell in love with a man.  I was twenty-one.  It was time to get married, and he said he loved me back.  The stars aligned, just as I had been raised to believe.

I called it love.

We were engaged after three months, married after another three.  It was tumultuous.  He was challenging.  He was also challenged.

Three years into our marriage he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.  I don’t know if it was Type 1 or Type 2, I could never keep it straight.  I lived with it.  The type was irrelevant.  We held everything together for years.  It was a loud, angry marriage, and it lasted much longer than it really should have.

His mental illness eventually cost him everything.

Friday, I spent the afternoon telling each of my children that their father had committed suicide.

I have a lot that I wanted to say, to write, but I find myself wordless now.  I am holding it together for them.  Special Man was here most of the weekend, and he is holding me together.  These kids are amazing and strong and wonderful, but they are not okay right now.

They will be though.

7 thoughts on “~Once~

  1. Oh Jesus. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry for your children and for you. If you need ears, I got em. Seriously.. it’s great to be together for the kids, but when you need to say your own stuff I’m here, okay? Death and grieving are complex enough and this is really complex with how he died and your children and your tumultuous past with him.. just.. damn. I can only imagine the malestrom of what you are feeling and I am so sorry you and your children have to go through this. I’m sending lots of hugs. Lots.

  2. My heart goes out to you; this is a conversation that no parent ever wants to have with their children. I want you to know that they will be okay. You will be okay. I know this because my mom had to have that conversation with me when I was a kid.

    You’re gonna fall apart sometimes; they’re gonna fall apart sometimes. Give yourselves so much space and compassion for the enormous amount of healing that needs to be done. And give yourselves patience because it won’t be done soon.

    So much love and strength to you.

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