Sometimes a really horrible thing can quickly shift your focus. Reorder your priorities. Give you some clarity.
I’ve applied for a new job with a local hospice. I’ve made some peace with Mrs. A. I’m determined to love my people and let myself be loved.
I’m also not sleeping well. I dream all night, every night, and while they are not classic nightmares with monsters and dark threats, they are very busy and stressful dreams that startle me awake with a pounding heart and a racing mind. I dreamed I found a suicide note, taped inside a yellow freezer. The note was black, the writing was white. It was from my exhusband, and I have no idea what the words said. But my mind keeps turning the dream over and over in my mind. I am purging, processing. It is exhausting.
On Thursday Special Man is taking me away for the weekend. Just a border town, a big hotel casino. I have naps planned. Naps and reading. Food and sex and then, more naps. People watching with a virgin drink in front of me. I am so excited.
This past Sunday, Special Man and CC came for brunch. We made it a Valentine’s theme, and yes, I know it’s still January, but I wanted to enjoy some red and pink paper crafts and do a little holiday decorating, and kids love themes, so I bought paper and glue and stickers and we cut and pasted and made a big mess after we ate waffles and strawberries with pink whipped cream. It was great, it was easy, and it was enjoyable. We plan to try and do brunch monthly, and I am looking forward to it. Relationships take effort and nurturing. I want the kids to be comfortable with all of us together, just as much as I want to be comfortable myself.
I feel something akin to separation anxiety from SMF this past week. I tell myself it’s understandable, he says the same thing, considering the intensity of recent events. I fear that I am clingy. I fear that I will suffocate him with the sheer volume of need for him that I feel right now.
People leave. People leave, and then life continues on. I feel so…small. That’s it. I just feel small right now.