Special Man Friend is spending time with new people. I want to be happy for him. I want the elusive Compersion Fairy to visit me in the middle of the night and wave her glitter wand over my sleeping little self and when I wake I will sing of love and metamours and the joy that I feel when he spends time with others, and cartoon deer will gather around my feet while birds fly around and help me get dressed. Oh, and I should be singing about how wonderful and perfect poly is. And how easy.
I don’t have compersion. Does this make me the worst polyamorous person ever?
Or just maybe, it makes me a better polyamorous person. I have to work HARD at my poly. I have to absorb and process and choose my behavior, even when my stomach hurts and my cheeks are hot because he’s been on a date with someone who isn’t me, and it’s late and he’s not home yet and that means he is probably having The Best Time Of His Life and I’m just the dumb old girlfriend. Keyword, dumb.
These are not reasonable thoughts.
But, there they are.
PS. I have a date in a few days with my own someone new. Does it change how I feel about SMF? No. But can I extrapolate that concept and apply it in reverse?
No.
I’m going to bed. I need to mull.
Poly Nirvana 
I don’t feel you are the worst polyamorous person ever. I am not where I can really feel good about the guy I am dating seeing someone else. The thought of losing his special attention he shows me and sharing intimacy produces a feeling of panic and dread in me. I guess you would call me polyfidelitous? Haha. In all seriousness, I realize that I cannot be like another poly person. I can only be me and I have a right to craft my life and relationships the way I want. I applaud you for wanting to work through your thoughts and arrive at a better place in your heart and mind…
Hi, I just found your blog and wanted to let you know how great and how very human I find it. Lots of times I have the same thoughts, just can’t express them as well… THANK YOU! ❤ H from Germany
What a lovely compliment, thank YOU!!