I’m thirty four thousand feet above the earth. In a few hours, I’ll be in Phoenix. My sister, will pick me up from the airport, but I’m going for Special Man Friend.
His Dad is dying.
“Is his wife here?” she asked me when I said I was coming. When I said she was not, Sister said, “Well that’s weird. I don’t understand it, but I’m glad you’re coming.”
He’s important to me and I’m going. I think I can be helpful. I have tried to pinpoint why that comment bothers me so much. It’s mononormative, yes. But it also somehow made me feel like Just The Girlfriend.
Sister is accepting and supportive. She offered a few days ago to take SMF’s family dinner or anything else they might need. SMF has told his family about me. His momma has seen pictures of me. She wants to meet me. I’m tickled.
And terrified.
Poly Nirvana 
We read things into our conversations with family members sometimes, I think. There’s tone and intent, of course, which are so minutely nuanced with kin that it can leave others scratching their heads going “Why did her words bother you, exactly…?”
So as an outsider, her “That’s weird” about SMF’s wife makes sense. If my dad was dying and I flew home absent my spouse, I think that’s the reaction I’d get. People scratching their heads, going “Whyyy…?” Because while it may be erroneously assumptive, people assume your spouse will “be there” at those kinds of times.
Just thinking out loud. 🙂
I hope you meeting with momma goes well. Safe travels.
I agree with your thoughts. And likely, I am sensitive. And then I worry…will CC, feel bad that I’m there? I am able to go. I am a nurse. I can be helpful. And I know she will be there too, at some point. Of course she will. I can only stay a few days,but it’s what I have to give.
Oh, and also: thank you always reading me, even when I stay away so long. 🙂
🙂
I both get it.. And see how it’s a normal comment. It IS what people would say. There are expectations on spouses. We do assume the wife will spend the holidays wherever the other Spode is, for example. We don’t assume to the same degree for a girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s not as automatic. I suppose it’s complicated if there’s a wife and girlfriend. It’s not like you are any less a partner and it is a little about our biases and assumptions, and there’s a part of that that rankles.
I can really see both sides of this… The good idea to not read into it and the truth that these assumptions do mean something and are about our place or belonging in a way it’s good to think about.
Either way… I’m sorry your love is going through this and I’m glad he has both of you to support him.