Oh, jealousy.
I was driving to pick up Georgia from a friends house this afternoon, and Pandora spit out Natalie Merchant singing Jealousy.
The whole song is comparison and sadness. I really wish I understood jealousy better. I’ve read the idea that jealousy is a manifestation of fear, or insecurity, or grief. I want to dissect it. I want to understand it. I want to be over it already.
There was a day a few months ago, when Special Man was talking about a date he’d had with Montana and how I would have hated it because they talked and talked about congressional law. He was almost giddy with it. And I was pleased that he was happy and excited and that she was interesting and different than I was, and in that moment, I wasn’t jealous.
I think I was actually compersive. And I want more.
I want friends and lovers and partners and I want good mushy feelings and I want more of that content feeling. It’s a shift for me, but seriously, I want that ideal. I don’t know if it’s unrealistic to want this as I’ve long held the opinion that compersion is a myth. But I’m different. Maybe it’s okay to dream big.
I am rambling tonight. Time for sleep. But first….
Here’s my three-years-ago take on compersion:
https://polynirvana.com/2013/03/16/compersion-thou-art-a-harsh-mistress/
And Natalie Merchant, my favorite:
Goodnight.
Poly Nirvana 
I think getting over jealousy and truly being happy for others is a work in progress. I find myself jealous when my husband talks about women he met that I feel are more attractive than me or who hold his interest in different ways. At the root of my fear is not being as important and being replaced, and I find that if I pour myself into personal projects I feel better about myself as a whole and don’t get as midly upset when I hear of my husband talking about others. It’s much worse if we are having problems of course, but these days I am trying to work at being human, feeling my human emotions, and just dissecting them as opposed to reacting to them all the time. I don’t always suceed but we as hunan beings are works in progress. If you want something, you can have more of it. You may not have it all, but knowing what it feels like (compersion that is) is a start, right? I enjoy reading your blog. It helps me with my own situations.