I was driving to pick up Georgia from a friends house this afternoon, and Pandora spit out Natalie Merchant singing Jealousy.
The whole song is comparison and sadness. I really wish I understood jealousy better. I’ve read the idea that jealousy is a manifestation of fear, or insecurity, or grief. I want to dissect it. I want to understand it. I want to be over it already.
There was a day a few months ago, when Special Man was talking about a date he’d had with Montana and how I would have hated it because they talked and talked about congressional law. He was almost giddy with it. And I was pleased that he was happy and excited and that she was interesting and different than I was, and in that moment, I wasn’t jealous.
I think I was actually compersive. And I want more.
I want friends and lovers and partners and I want good mushy feelings and I want more of that content feeling. It’s a shift for me, but seriously, I want that ideal. I don’t know if it’s unrealistic to want this as I’ve long held the opinion that compersion is a myth. But I’m different. Maybe it’s okay to dream big.
I am rambling tonight. Time for sleep. But first….
Here’s my three-years-ago take on compersion:
And Natalie Merchant, my favorite: