I like to be in control. It both calms and exacerbates my tendency to panic about things getting done. At least if it’s my responsibility, I know what’s going on. I’m not in suspense about anything. This goes hand in hand with my tendency to procrastinate.
Being self aware is a pain in the ass sometimes.
I’ve been a little introverted lately. Large groups of people make me nervous. I cycle in and out of this, and it’s making it difficult for me to make connections with other people, any kind of connections, really…whether platonic or romantic. I have space in my life for new connections, but I need to get out and socialize more.
I don’t know how to make myself do this.
I detoxed from sugar, starting five weeks ago. I feel good, though I am still adjusting to some things. I am acutely aware of how I use food for comfort. What I’ve figured out is that the act of eating is a quick physical fix for mental discomfort. I’m sure a bajillion people have figured this out, but I’m starting to get it. I’m listening to my body, and I’m listening to my body, and I’m listening to my self- talk. It feels as if the world has suddently gotten ten times larger, and I have to say, it’s kind of awesome.
Special Man Friend and I had a big fight this week. We were both triggered in the same conversation in our deepest places of insecurity, and I shut down for a few days. We talked yesterday, and some of it felt like old baggage and I found myself wondering… Do we ever get to put the baggage down completely, or does it just shrink slowly over time until it’s lighter, and easier to carry? Does it ever just go away?
I don’t know the answer. I know a lot of things in the poly realm are much easier for me than they were almost five years ago. I know myself, and what my ideals are. I know I have room for more love and for more connection. I know I still get insecure and lonely sometimes. I know I get hurt, and resentful other times.
I don’t think that makes me a poly failure. I think that makes me a real girl.