I asked for something I wanted yesterday.
Today I was told, Yes, you can have it. I felt valued, and I felt valuable.
I still found myself wondering when the other shoe would drop. I don’t want to be that girl. I want to believe, no, I want to know, that there are good things are in the world for me. I’m encouraged by the fact that I was conscious and aware of the fear and anxiety that came right on the heels of feeling happy and valued. No doubt, the act of working through that in my brain, is a solid step towards changing that pessimistic conditioned response.
It’s interesting to me the way the brain learns and assimilates every single thing that we see, hear, experience, feel, and think and rolls it up and smushes it around, and convinces us who we are. How much of that can be consiously manipulated in order to condition ourselves to be different, to think differently, to respond differently? My biggest moments of growth have taken place when I do things that scare me; when I feel the fear and do it anyway.
So today, when I heard, yes you are worth it, I may have panicked just a little, simply because my little brain and heart were confused. I spent a few hours trying to figure out how this was going to all go wrong, because what other scenario could there be?
I want to rewire the fearful parts of my brain. I deserve good and worthy things because I am good and worthy. I wonder how many times I need to repeat this before my brain gets the message…