An interesting thing happened when I wasn’t paying attention.
I started getting butterflies in my stomach over a girl. Or three.
Girl One: My sweet long distance friend who has always made me a little giddy, from the first time I read her writing, and eventually was able to spend time with in person. (That sounds a little stalkerish when I put it like that, but it’s been a fantastic friendship.) Special Man and I are heading to Seattle for a real mini-vacation next week, and I can’t wait to see her and talk and laugh and actually be in each other’s personal space…and the thought of getting to cuddle and smooch and see where that may lead, makes me smile every single day.
Girl Two: A sparkly girl who took me by surprise and I found myself daydreaming about what it might be like to date a girl. How it might feel to be romantically and emotionaly invloved with a woman. Then an interesting thing happened…She and Special Man Friend started to chat and she and her partner and SMF and CC did a few things together, and now tonight, he’s out on a date with my sparkly little girl crush. I was mad for a few minutes. Okay, I was mad for a few days. I felt like he had stolen her or something. I’m not mad any more, and I feel kind of silly about it, but I’m not daydreaming about her anymore.
Girl Three: This is more complicated. She and her partner are fun, friendly and just downright nice. She is smart and honest and I just want to kiss her face off. He is funny and fun and thinks I’m pretty. I have had some frank and awkward conversations with each of them individually, trying to sort through their wants, and their agreements and boundaries with each other. I don’t.want to play by any rules that I wasn’t part of creating. I’m not a unicorn. I also don’t want to get vested and then get hurt. Even as I say that, I realize that there is no guarantee, no matter who I date or become attached to. And, I’m already vested. I really like both of them.
Yet, I am starting to date two individuals who are partnered. And it’s completely new and scary. It’s scary for me, and it’s added a layer of uncertainty with Special Man Friend. I think he’s happy when I am happy, I really do. But he is nervous, I believe.
I am too.