Tonight was our monthly poly discussion group.
The word somatic came up several times, as we were talking about emotional reactions and somatic reactions when it comes to the things we feel, and how our bodies could exhibit those emotions.
I get a knot in the pit of my stomach when I am very emotional. I ache. Many times, the stomach ache comes first, before I even realize that there is a a feeling or emotion tied to it. It was an appropriate topic.
I felt sick the entire discussion. Special Man and CC were there, and though Special Man and I feel tenuous right now, we are moving forward. I think I’m grieving something having to do with CC. She and I had words a couple of days ago, words that left me feeling a stunned realization that I will likely never have the kind of polyamory that I envision as ideal. SMF will always be partnered with someone who keeps me at arms length. That’s it. The end of my poly dream, if it includes Special Man Friend whom I love dearly.
I am also at a point where I keep my guard up with her. This is a long and intricate history that she and I have. We have both made a lot of effort to be closer, to be at least comfortable. And I am not comfortable. I have to own my part of that. I am uncomfortable. She and I are a mismatch, on many levels, and I don’t believe she is comfortable around me either.
So really, it comes down to my poly vision of people who are comfortable and loving. A little extended poly constellation, ideally living near one another, maybe on a cul-de-sac, perhaps just in the same neighborhood. I imagine random family dinners, and kids in and out of each other’s houses. I imagine community. I imagine extended, chosen, family.
I honestly believe that CC tolerates me. And if I’m honest, the best I can do is polite.
I hate saying this. I hate that it will hurt SMF, and CC if she reads it. But we all know that’s where we are. And do I want it to change? Do I live in my little bubble with SMF with my one on one time, and just give up once and for all on my big poly fantasy?
I don’t know.