When I write, I generally start with a title. Often it’s just a single word, chosen carefully to capture the boiled down essence of what I want to put out into the world, on that.
Today I have no title. No message. No common theme.
Everything is messy. Half my life is packed into boxes. I don’t have a concrete move date yet, I just know it will be by the 24th of June. I’m excited to move, I’ve been purging material things, and it almost feels like emotional things might be following.
I think I am realizing that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has three “Big R” Relationships. I can’t remember where I heard the phrases “Big R” and “little r” as a way to describe the different levels of entanglement in polyamorous (or other) relationships, but I kind of like the terms.
Special Man Friend has been seeing Montana since last August. They have quietly moved into Big R territory. CC and SMF are a Big R. SMF and I are a Big R.
SMF has said that he wishes I wouldn’t compare relationships. Fair enough. But I am not happy, and when I look around to see why not, I see that my relationship is not meeting my needs. My wants and expectations are not aligned with what he can give me. With what he chooses to give me.
Ok, so one of the core poly tenets is that if your needs aren’t being met, it’s ok, even desirable to fill those needs somewhere else, whether that comes from another relationship, or from within, and from your relationship with yourself.
I cannot dictate Special Man’s relationships. I can only choose feels good and right, for me, within my own dynamic. I told SMF today that the only thing I can think to do, if I don’t want to be one of three BIG R’s, is to renegotiate my relationship with him to a little r.
I don’t know what that looks like exactly.
I just know that I want to be happy and, and I want him to be happy too. I’ve been compromising for so long, that it feels like I’m settling, and this makes me sad because I know this has been a long held fear of his. I want to be with him. But not like this.