Today I met SMF for lunch.

He told me he needed space and distance to decide what he needs and wants.

Ironically, I almost told him the same thing about a month ago.  That I needed space and distance.  I wrote a long email discussing some of the hurts of our relationship that I still carried.

I chose not to send the email at the time.  The act of writing it was amazingly therapeutic, and I didn’t need to share those things with him then, and I wasn’t ready to force any distance between us.  I wrote myself a permission slip to chill the fuck out until December first, and then reevaluate.

So there it is.

We have had plans for Thanksgiving evening at my house for games and pie with our families, and that is still happening.  I feel weird and uncomfortable, but it is what it is.  I feel exposed and vulnerable.  I feel sad for our respective hurts.  I feel stupid and naive and tired.

I did send him the email I wrote a month ago after we said goodbye this afternoon.  I needed to release those things.  I needed him to know my point of view.

A few hours after our lunch, I met Benjamin for dinner.  It was good to see him, he is so kind and sweet, and he says I am pretty and that he loves how expressive my face is.

He also referred to me in passing as his girlfriend.  It’s…interesting to be transitioning out of one relationship, and transitioning into another relationship at the same time.  Each relationship affects me, and today I did struggle a little with Benjamin, because I was pretty caught up internally with SMF.  I’m not sure how exactly to compartmentalize.  But I think I need to figure that out.

I still don’t know what will happen with Special Man Friend. He will always be special to me, but for now we are disengaging.

And it hurts.





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