Boise is having record breaking snow. The kids have had three snow days so far, and honestly, even if school isn’t called off for tomorrow, I will likely keep them home. It’s treacherous out there. I’m anxious about being on the roads. Many of the neighborhoods are snowed in. I was able to get out this morning for a few hours, but got stuck in snow twice in my sister’s neighborhood. I was happy to get home safely and build a fire.
I had a coffee date with Montana scheduled for today, to discuss some things about RelateCon. She’s doing some lawyer-ly things, and I’m the director/producer. I was too nervous to drive, so we did an online chat instead after I got home. As we finished up, I told her that I had been wanting to be more friendly with her, but that I felt a little uncomfortable and closed off because I don’t know (and don’t want to really ask, because eww, vulnerability) how she feels or what she knows about things between myself and Special Man Friend.
(I guess I should technically rename him, but I don’t want to. Former Special Man Friend, maybe?)
She didn’t give me any feedback, just acknowledged the message before we said goodbye. Maybe I made her uncomfortable, but I’m making an effort to communicate and face my own awkward or uncomfortable feelings with people instead of shutting down. I’m reaching out more to people I know who love me, and asking for what I need, and I think this is helping me in dealing with those people I am uncertain about, like Montana. I am me, and that’s all I can be.
I’m having surgery in ten days, and I’ve written myself a permission slip to just take care of myself for the next eight weeks or so. I’ve been going to my family, and to my friends for support and love, and avoiding focusing on dating or new romantic connections. I’ve needed this time alone, more than I realized. Overall, I feel good.
I know this: I need romantic connection and intimacy. And I believe it will come to me. But today, I’ve got a warm fire, Game of Thrones, and a really good cup of coffee. I’m good.