Tomorrow morning is our monthly poly potluck. It’s a community thing, and it ranges from a handful of people, to around twenty people, depending on the month. I don’t always attend, as I generally work Sunday nights, and I like to be home with the kids and then I sleep in the afternoon. This month I’m off, and I’m going.
I got a message from Mrs. A, asking me, that if she decided to go would I go as well, or would I stay home.
(Ugh. I don’t want to do this.)
She and I haven’t spoken or had even a polite kind of resolution to The Episode. I know it’s going to have to happen. I hate conflict. It makes my stomach hurt. I told her no, I probably wouldn’t go if she decided to go, since we hadn’t hadn’t talked yet. I can’t do the awkward, stilted, not-conversation tomorrow.
My counselor asked me, would I consider a thirty day “respite” period, wherein I give myself permission to not make any decisions about how to move forward, as I’ve been pretty focused on what on earth I was going to DO, what was best, what was reasonable, what was both kind to her and still mindful of my own boundaries.
I told her, Yes, I was going. She told me, she would not.
I don’t like this one bit. But I don’t know what else to do.
I am exhausted, I have not caught up from my few nights in the hospital with Leo. Last night was date night. Special Man and I had a quick dinner close to my house, and wandered an awesome toy store for a little bit before coming home and watching a movie with my kids. It was perfect. We climbed into my bed, and did little: random small talk, internet. I curled up and slept, he did not.
It was wonderful.
He woke me after a couple of hours, and made love to me. It was warm and comfortable, and when it was over, it wasn’t over. I cried.
He’s used to it, these tears that belong to him.
I cried because I was safe. I cried because I was happy. I cried because I have so much more than I ever expected, and I cried because still, I want more.
And I cried, because I know, it will come.
In the morning, I woke early and left him in my bed while I had coffee and worked on the computer. He sent me a message. You should come upstairs and kiss me.
So I did. This time there were no tears.