Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Progression~

Montana is great.  She really is.

The other night my two youngest were hanging out in my room before they went to bed, and out of the blue, Georgia says, “Is SMF dating anyone else besides you and CC?”

It’s been four years, and while there have been other partners here and there, none have been involved with my children as another partner of Special Man, besides CC. “Yes. He’s dating Montana. Remember her? She’s been to poly potluck a couple of times.”

“Wait,” Leo said, with his hands up.  He paused, I paused, and I thought ok, here comes a big philosophical question about polyamory…or sex…or feelings…I’m ready… bring it!

He looked at me and said, “I’m not being rude (oh-oh) … but does she have cancer?”

Well that threw me.

“No.. why?”

“Her hair is really, really short.”

“Ah. Well, yes, she keeps her hair very short.  She likes it like that.”

“Oh. ok.”

And that was that.

We moved on to brushing teeth and saying goodnight. It was a complete non-issue.  Polyamory is just something we do.

It was a nice moment.


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~Really~

I really don’t get people sometimes.

I spent my morning supporting a family through a patient’s death.  All I can really say, is that as a hospice nurse, my perspective is constantly being refocused.  There are big things happening to people, everywhere, all the time, and we don’t even realize it.  Today someone’s father died.  Someone lost a child, a mother, a friend.  There is so much going on in the world, and most of us get to be oblivious.

After I left this family, I went to Sonic.  I needed to sit in my car and decompress.  I ordered a diet cherry lime-aid and I planned to space out on Facebook for a few minutes before heading to my office to do paperwork.

Well.

I moderate a small local poly discussion group on Facebook, with CC.  We have 80 people or so, and it’s had some slow growth, but it’s been a solid little group.  Yesterday someone posted that she was having her first poly “date” tonight.  She was excited and engaged.  It was adorable.

Today someone posted that her husband was going out with someone “repulsive” and so unattractive that it was gross.  “Gross”!  (I can’t even imagine someone saying this!)   Do you see where this is going? The girl from last night was going out with the husband of the girl who posted today.  I was appalled.

I came late in the conversation, apparently it had gotten heated and very ugly, and while the group rallied, people were upset and defensive, and the thread was deleted, I think by the original poster.

People act like this?  I just don’t get it.  At this point, I want to delete this person from the group…but maybe that’s not the right thing.  From what I understand, yes, she did know that the girl her husband was going out with was in the group, which pretty much makes her post a passive aggressive personal attack, and that makes me sick.

Yes, the excited girl from last night canceled the date, and I don’t blame her.  I certainly wouldn’t want to engage with someone when the potential metamour is either that jealous, insecure, or just plain mean.

The end.


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~Atlanta~

I did it.

I flew to Atlanta, presented two classes at Atlanta Poly Weekend, and flew home.  I did not get lost, I did not miss any flights.  I navigated an entire three days of high level social interaction, on my own.  I knew a handful of people, and that made a huge difference.  My friend Amul was very much my saving grace, and I hope he knows it.  He picked me up from the airport, and delivered me to the conference hotel, even though he had plans that night with other friends.  He graciously extended an open invitation to me to join them, but I needed to prepare for my classes, and some alone time in a hotel room sounded perfect.

I forgot a few important things, first, my camera, which was disappointing because I love doing portraits, and a poly con would be an awesome place for some divine people shots.  And the second thing I forgot, was my hair product.  Now, don’t laugh. A curly haired girl in Atlanta with no hair product… I almost cried!  But I learned a wonderful thing.

Nobody cares.  I had a great time, and my curly hair did too…

I met a new friend, who was interesting and funny, and ended up talking me through using the public transportation system in Atlanta to get myself to the airport for my return flight.  It seems silly, I mean I function in my every day life as a competent single woman, with all sorts of responsibilities and things I’m in charge of, but I was amazingly overwhelmed in Atlanta.  I’m truly a small town girl, and I didn’t even realize it until I wasn’t in the small town for a few days.

I led an amazing discussion on polyamory and mental health.  It was so very well received, and I am positive I got as much out of it as I put into it.  Such wonderful and self aware people and the discussion was just fantastic.

My cute new friend attended my solo poly discussion and stood out as very well spoken and thoughtful in his contributions to the conversation.  He sent me a text a few days ago, saying he was looking forward to reading my blog write up about the weekend…  He needs a name, so I’m naming him Texas.  Not particularly original, but it suits him.

I wish I had a hot and heavy encounter in an elevator to write about, but the truth is I fell asleep on his shoulder my last night in Atlanta, in the middle of a story he was telling me, and he gathered me and my things up and walked me back to the room I was sharing with Amul. I’m shy and he’s younger than me, and he’s very pretty.  The next day he made sure I made it onto the MARTA so I could make my flight home, and I found myself wishing I had another day to hang out and hear the rest of his story.

I have two potential dating partners here, not counting Special Man Friend, but I’m stuck or something.  I feel a little whiny and worn out, like a three year old who needs a nap.  “But I don’t wanna get to know new people.  I don’t WANNA date.”

Except that I really do want additional connections, and dating and newness, and everything that goes along with it, is the process.  I see SMF, and how energized he gets with new potential connections, and honestly I’m envious of the enjoyment he gets out of that great unknown.  Where he gets excited, I get a stomach ache.

I need a nap.   


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~Complicated~

Sometimes, I’m tired of how complicated polyamory is.  I get tired of talking about it, thinking about it, reading about it.

I understand this is ironic, considering that I’ve spent the last few years, talking about poly, thinking about poly, and writing about poly for goodness sake.

I don’t wanna have to think so much about scheduling, and jealousy, and societal norms.

Waah.

Actually, I think I’m just in a cycle right now, where things are piling up on me, and I long for something, anything, to be easy.  Rote, if you will.  I think I miss that security.

I think I miss the mind numbing knowledge of exactly how I was “supposed” to act when I was a young, married,monogamous, religious, housewife.  I wouldn’t change anything.  But yeah.  I think I miss not having to think so much.

Maybe I should take a nap.


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~Community~

I go back and forth about the poly community.

Let’s backtrack.  There’s not much of a poly community here.  It’s a small-ish, conservative, fairly religious area.  Polyamory is still considered immoral by a lot of people, even if they aren’t religious at all.  I wasn’t out as poly for a long time, and now, though I’m mostly out, it’s a quiet “out”.  My friends and family know my partner is married, and that his wife is actively supportive.  They know I’m non-monogamous.  Sometimes I think it makes a couple of them uncomfortable, but I haven’t had anyone aggressively confront me with negativity, or drop me as a friend (or as a sister, or as a daughter.)

This is why community is so important to me.

I want to be around people who embrace my choices.  Not simply tolerate them.

I don’t consider myself a poly activist, but since I WANT community, I have to go out and pretend to be one.  Except I’m kind of shy.  (Also, sometimes people annoy me and I just want to stay in bed.)  What I really need is a fairy godmother who will conjure me a fully functioning polyamorous community, complete with established events and nice people.

Ugh.

So tonight, I was Googling “polyamory community”, in an attempt to find an article that I could share in my (very small) local super secret Facebook group, about how to build a community.  I want people to get proactive with networking and socializing, so that I can, selfishly, have my dream community.

I didn’t really find an appropriate article.  So I’m writing instead.

Why community is important, by Me.

1)  We get to learn about ourselves, by learning about others.

2)  We get inspired and encouraged by the examples of other people.

3)  We get to see how other styles of relationships work.  (Or don’t work.)

4)  We get to have fun!  We get to socialize, and laugh, and eat, and do things!

5)  We get to create our own social norms, within our groups.

6)  We get to feel accepted.  We get to belong.  We get to love, and be loved.

Community.  I want it.

 

 

 


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~March~

So March is my anniversary month for the blog.

I love my blog.  I have gotten so much pleasure and satisfaction from it.  I love that I have readers in Germany, and Canada, and dozens of other places.  I love the comments and the commenters.  Sometimes the stories spill from me in an instant, and sometimes I don’t write for weeks, because there’s nothing there.  It’s not time yet.

Then, when the stories come back, I feel so good, so settled, so whole.  When the words elude me, I sit and stare at the screen of my laptop, and wait.  Sometimes I wait a long time, before closing my computer and promising to come back later.

I am able to see some of the search terms that people use to find Poly Nirvana.  They can be downright hilarious…

  • polyamory secondary gets scraps (ouch)
  • I am terrified of the game changer polyamory  (Right there with you, sometimes.)
  • compersion love hot poly  (Hey, as long as it’s HOT poly.)
  • polyamorous relationship bullshit  (haha)
  • strawberry pumpkin pet name (Aw.)
  • ginger girl finds succubus (Love it!)
  • professorpolyamory daughter (weird, right?)
  • he doesnt communicate oftenly. does my manfriend really love me? (Oftenly?? But YES to MANFRIEND!)
  • succubus wants my cock (awesome!)
  • emotion fucks thought  (Word.)
  • fuck you back  (How on earth did this search term get someone here??)
  • unicorn girl polyamorous  (Oh no you didn’t…)

I seriously love that this little space of mine is two years old.


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~Proven~

I like having relationships.  I like connection, and intimacy, and comfortably “fitting” with another person in some way.  This includes my children, my work friends, my sisters, not just romantic relationships.

On my OkCupid profile, which really should be rewritten at some point, I say that I “hate” first dates.  This is probably an understatement.  I also say that I’d just like to be teleported into Date Three, and that would be just fine, thank you very much.  Unfortunately, nobody has found a way to do that for me yet.  Both the Hippie and the Reporter kind of dance around me, saying hello, making small talk, confusing the hell out of me.  I told my sweet friend Amy this week, that I’m not in any mood to spoon feed Reporter my awesomeness.

I was sort of kidding.  But mostly not.

I’m too old for this.  I want sincere, honest, open people who know what they want.  I don’t want to make small talk forever! Tell me what you want.  You want a casual twice a month lunch and afternoon sex date?  Let’s negotiate.  You want a lust filled, mad love affair?  Let’s talk.  You want to explore a deep emotional connection?  Tell me more.  Do you want a chat buddy?  Meh.

I’m a busy, busy girl…