Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Five Things Your Metamour Wants You To Know~

1) I love the same person you love, though not ever in the same way. Never the same. I cannot quantify love: not mine; not yours; not anyone’s. I understand exquisitely, that when he is with me, he is not with you, and I am grateful that you are willing to gift me a portion of his time and attention. I know that isn’t always easy.

2) Your memories are yours, special between the two of you, and I’m not looking to take those from you, or stop you from making new ones. I recognize and respect the place you occupy in his life, and in his heart.

3) I can’t exist in a vacuum. You will always be affected by me, and I by you. Whether you lay eyes on me or not, you will feel my presence in our mutual lover’s heart. I want you to be comfortable in that, and know that I only ever want good things for him, and for you.

4) I don’t always know what to say or how to act around you. If I say too much, will I make you uncomfortable? If I say too little, will you see me as stand-offish? I often over-analyze each of our interactions, because I so want you to be okay with me, and conversely, I with you, but my intentions are always good.

5) My hope for you is a unique, loving, satisfying, fulfilling relationship with the person you fell in love with. The fact that the man you love is the same one I am also in love with, does not lessen that hope in the least. If anything, it makes me more vested in your happiness, because I want him to be happy.

And you make him happy.


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~Compersion, Thou Art A Harsh Mistress~

I think compersion is overrated. There. I said it. There’s nothing in the poly world that has the potential to make me feel more inadequate than the concept of compersion.

Compersion as defined by Wikipedia (because, you know, it isn’t a word that has even made it into the dictionary, at least as far as I could find…):

Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy…..It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.

In the poly world, compersion is touted as the end all, be all. As if it is the ultimate enlightened goal for each of us. We all know, jealousy is BAD and compersion is GOOD.

Bullshit.

It’s a personal success, when I can feel pleasantly neutral about my partner wanting to spend time with another woman.

Here’s what I really think:

How you feel is completely separate from how you act.

Let me say it again.

First, feel your feelings. Second, choose your actions wisely, and thoughtfully… Even if your feelings and your choices are at odds.

You still get the poly points, gentle reader.

I had a jealousy flare-up a while ago. I was so jealous it made my teeth hurt. When my guy offered to not see her, if I asked him not to, I was stunned. Of course I wasn’t going to do that. I was just feeling my feelings. I’m generally proud of myself and the choices I make in my poly relationship. Asking him to not talk to a woman he might enjoy was not something I had ever considered.

Moral of this story?

You can do good poly, and never attain that ultimate state of compersion. Moreover, you can even feel jealousy (~gasp~) and still be a successful practitioner of healthy poly. Love yourself, love your people, and do your best.

This is all I can do, and it has to be enough.


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~Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know~

1) My time with you is limited, and valuable to me. I look forward to seeing you and I even count down the days. I like knowing that you see our time as sacred. If you indiscriminately change plans or cancel, it can make me feel disposable and well, second. Secondary doesn’t mean second place.

2) Sometimes I need extra reassurance that I am important and needed. I don’t get those little cues that would be there if we were together more: things like a pat on the ass, as we are doing housework, or giving me control of the remote on a lazy night at home. I can ask for what I need, if I feel it will be given freely. If I say, “Tell me you love me.”, it’s not because I think you don’t, or I’m neurotically insecure. Sometimes I just need to hear it, out loud.

3) I want to know that I can depend on you even if I’m a satellite relationship. Keep your commitments to me, even if it seems like a small thing like “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Be there for me for the big things. Honor anniversaries…first date, first kiss….anything that celebrates the two of us. It gives me ownership of “US”, even though you are also part of another “us”.

4) It’s important to me that your primary partner is comfortable with me. As secondary, it is tricky sometimes to find the balance between being respectful of the established relationship, and nurturing my own newer relationship with you. Sometimes I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I got here last, and there are limits placed on us because of that. Understand that I am trying, and that I feel vulnerable to that dynamic sometimes.

5) Finally. I love and adore you. This is my truth; at the end of the day, though I may get into bed alone, I go to sleep knowing that you love me, that you need me, and that I am important. And that is the wonderful that keeps your secondary going.

~Ginger

Please, if you repost this somewhere (and feel free) keep my name with it and link back to this page. Thank you, lovelies.