Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


1 Comment

~Look~

So I mentioned a few days ago that my sweet friend was having a crisis.

In a nutshell, this beautiful, smart, professional and wise woman found out quite suddenly that her husband of many years was not only using cocaine, but was dealing. And her adult children knew. Her disbelief upon discovering that her two grown boys had known, was further compounded when they both told her that her husband had been so casual about it, so open with it, that they never imagined that she hadn’t known. They were astounded that she could have been so oblivious.

This has weighed heavily on my mind these past few days. How is it that some things that are so apparent to others, can be completely out of our personal realm of reality? Is it simply a matter of perspective? Perhaps we soothe our minds into holding ourselves and our lives together, by turning a blind eye, not asking too many questions, not allowing ourselves to really see.

What am I missing, and do I really want to see it?

Lately I have this feeling like something is shifting, and it’s right there, but I can’t see it. Almost like the sensation of a word being right on the tip of your tongue, but not being able to find it in your brain. I am wondering if it is something that I am afraid to see, afraid to embrace. Change is painful, even good change. Anything that is different, can be uncomfortable, and I resist being uncomfortable.


Leave a comment

~Personality~

The Type A Personality: “The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status conscious, can be sensitive, care for other people, are truthful, impatient, always try to help others, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, proactive, and obsessed with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving “workaholics” who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.” (from Wikipedia.Yes, Wikipedia.)

(That’s me.)

I try to pretend that I’m an easy going, flexible, easy personality…but I am not. (And I don’t think I ever really fooled anyone anyway.) I’m a do-er, a fixer, a take action kind of girl. I will make things work, or die trying.

So today, I am letting go. I am my own girl, my relationship is mine, and it is good and strong. I can’t be so vested in the end product (whatever that may be) that I’m distracted from the love I have today.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke

So all you little Type A’s: Take today for what it is. Find joy, and release expectation. It’s exhausting trying to micro-manage absolutely everything, isn’t it?


Leave a comment

~Progress~

People who know me laugh when I say that I’m shy.

Apparently I fake being outgoing incredibly well.

After some thought, and acceptance of How I Am, vs Who I Should Be (according to who? Society? The media? The image in my head of how a grown-up lady is supposed to act and feel?) I have come to the following conclusion:

I am an introvert.

When I’m feeling good, emotionally, physically, whatever, I can push through the anxiety and navigate new people. I can be in a crowd, I can make the small talk. I may even find it pleasant to be in a social situation.

But it’s never, ever, easy. People scare me. New people, casual acquaintances, old friends… they all pretty much scare me. Or annoy me. Or bore me. .

So this past weekend, as I headed up into the mountains for a big group camping trip, with people I was fairly familiar with, I was nervous. Even apprehensive. I had verbalized to Mister, my self-defined functioning parameters. 1) Practice my small talk. 2) Withdraw if I needed to, and not feel guilty or “less-than” if I needed some quiet alone time. It was important for me to say these things out loud, not just for myself, but for him as well. He is an extrovert who loves talking to people. We have had issues in the past, wherein he has interpreted my quiet presence at the fringes of a group conversation, as being unengaged, uninterested, anti-social, even sulky. And for a long time, I tried to be what I thought he wanted me to be, and I felt like a failure most of the time.

But now I’m free. A free, happy, self-proclaimed introvert. Granted, I may be an extrovert-leaning introvert, but as with anything, things are rarely black and white, but rather a sliding scale of gray. I had a good weekend. I went in without expectation. And I had a good time! I talked, and visited, and rolled with whatever came my way, and when I needed to recharge, I withdrew, for an hour here or there, to my quiet loft room with the polka-dot sheets and the stripey quilt. (Yes, it was cabin camping, complete with my coffee maker and real bathrooms. So, maybe not exactly camping per se, but it was in the mountains. I had to drive on a long and winding dirt road to get there, and there was no cell service. That’s camping according to Ginger.)

I like me. I like who I am. I see room for improvement, but that will come.


10 Comments

~Compersion, Thou Art A Harsh Mistress~

I think compersion is overrated. There. I said it. There’s nothing in the poly world that has the potential to make me feel more inadequate than the concept of compersion.

Compersion as defined by Wikipedia (because, you know, it isn’t a word that has even made it into the dictionary, at least as far as I could find…):

Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy…..It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.

In the poly world, compersion is touted as the end all, be all. As if it is the ultimate enlightened goal for each of us. We all know, jealousy is BAD and compersion is GOOD.

Bullshit.

It’s a personal success, when I can feel pleasantly neutral about my partner wanting to spend time with another woman.

Here’s what I really think:

How you feel is completely separate from how you act.

Let me say it again.

First, feel your feelings. Second, choose your actions wisely, and thoughtfully… Even if your feelings and your choices are at odds.

You still get the poly points, gentle reader.

I had a jealousy flare-up a while ago. I was so jealous it made my teeth hurt. When my guy offered to not see her, if I asked him not to, I was stunned. Of course I wasn’t going to do that. I was just feeling my feelings. I’m generally proud of myself and the choices I make in my poly relationship. Asking him to not talk to a woman he might enjoy was not something I had ever considered.

Moral of this story?

You can do good poly, and never attain that ultimate state of compersion. Moreover, you can even feel jealousy (~gasp~) and still be a successful practitioner of healthy poly. Love yourself, love your people, and do your best.

This is all I can do, and it has to be enough.