I wish I could say I am poly on purpose. But the truth is, I fell into it. Stumbled over it. And almost two years later, I’m still trying to find my footing. Granted, I knew that Mister was married, I had read about and researched polyamory before we ever even met face to face. But I think, honestly, that if there hadn’t been a palpable chemistry between us on that very first date, I would have gone home and continued floating along in my monogamous mainstream thinking.
So I suppose I’m poly by circumstance. I’m poly because I would do anything to be with this man. I take him for what he is, and part of that is the fact that he has another significant, committed relationship.
I haven’t really had to deal with a “new” girlfriend. He has Meta, and he has me. Wife and girlfriend. He’s had a date here or there, and he’s even had friendly sex on occasion, and those things were new and uncomfortable to me, especially the idea of him having sex with others. I don’t think twice about him enjoying Meta in bed. (Alright, maybe I’ve thought about it, but it hasn’t been a struggle at all to share him. With her.) I imagine what it would feel like, if he fell in love with someone new. I imagine it, and then I stop thinking about it as soon as I can…
And what about myself? I am open to an additional relationship but I am hesitant to divide my attention. I still carry the idea that it would somehow be disloyal to him.
I think I’d be fairly well suited to polyfidelity, or a small closed group of partners. I like stability, sameness, security. It takes a long time for me to be vulnerable to another person, and I value the few people I let into the crazy that is my true self. Mister loves first dates. I hate first dates. I even hated our first date. How do I reconcile that his feelings for me and commitment to me, are unrelated (in his mind) to his enjoyment of flirting, pursuing, and connecting with other women?
This is the big poly question, isn’t it.
I am far from the poster child for polyamorous relationships. And yet, here I am, twenty-two months later, madly in love, deeply committed, and constantly learning how to love and accept myself while loving and accepting him. I don’t have all the answers. I may not have any of the answers. But I’m still here.
4 thoughts on “~Madly~”
My boyfiend’s other girlfriend and I have talked about this a lot. I am never jealous of him and his wife. I have struggled however to accept new people and his other newer love, his girlfriend. Our theory is that it has to do with the whole fear of replacement or losing him. See.. his wife came way before us. She’s established and not new. She isn’t going to suddenly grow into soemthing that pushes one of us out. The newer person whoever could be ANYTHING. He could fall suddenly head over gaga heels for her. We might lose our dates with him and his attention. That’s scarier.
If I’m the newer person or the newer deep relationship he and his partner or partners had to grow or change for ME, but if I’m the existing partner I have to endure the growth or change, and that’s just not super comfortable all the time.
This is spot on. When there’s a new “bright and shiny” potential partner, I do get nervous. It’s fear, it’s insecurity. I suppose, since I’m not his central partner, I know that if he has to make room for a new love, it will be ME that will either step aside, or lose him completely, not his wife. Poly is not for the faint hearted, that is for damn sure. ~Ginger
I suppose it’s fear, and a loss of control. Oddly enough, even in mono relationships the future is unknown, but we are conditioned to believe that we will live happily ever after. Maybe the poly thinking is more aware of the changing nature of things, and introducing a new partner really exemplifies that in one finite package. I sure wish I had a little more clarity.
Yes. This is THE big poly question.