Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Fence~

I have some conflict with my metamours, both partners of Special Man Friend.

I understand that I am the common denominator, and that I am responsible for me and for my lack of conflict resolution skills.

But I am feeling pretty solitary right now.

It’s hard to know what to do; what action to take. It’s hard to know exactly what I want, and then to hold that up to what I think I am obligated to do, it’s very noisy in my brain.  The debate goes back and forth.

Reason:  Someone needs to mend that bridge.  

Emotion:  Fuck that.  They wrecked the bridge too.  Why do I have to fix it?

Reason:  You’re an adult.  Do something adult-ish.  

Emotion:  I don’t know what to do!  Why do I have to do everything?  

Reason: Relationships take effort.  

Emotion:  Yeah, well I don’t care.  I didn’t ask to be in a relationship with them.

Reason:  Well you are.  And you did.

Emotion: Did not.

Reason: ……….

Emotion:  Polyamory is dumb. 

Reason: No it isn’t.

Emotion:  Yes it is and I hate everyone.

Reason:  ………

Emotion:  Wah. I don’t know what to do. 

Reason:  You should just think more. Thinking more is always a good idea.  Thinking is the best!

Emotion:  I’m sick of thinking about it.

Reason:  Then do something.

Emotion:  ………….

Reason:  …………..

Emotion:  I’m taking a nap.

 

 

 

 

 

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~(untitled)~

When I write, I generally start with a title.  Often it’s just a single word, chosen carefully to capture the boiled down essence of what I want to put out into the world, on that.

Today I have no title.  No message.  No common theme.

Everything is messy.  Half my life is packed into boxes.  I don’t have a concrete move date yet, I just know it will be by the 24th of June.  I’m excited to move, I’ve been purging material things, and it almost feels like emotional things might be following.

I think I am realizing that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has three “Big R” Relationships.  I can’t remember where I heard the phrases “Big R” and “little r” as a way to describe the different levels of entanglement in polyamorous (or other) relationships, but I kind of like the terms.

Special Man Friend has been seeing Montana since last August.  They have quietly moved  into Big R territory.  CC and SMF  are a Big R.  SMF and I are a Big R.

SMF has said that he wishes I wouldn’t compare relationships.  Fair enough.  But I am not happy, and when I look around to see why not, I see that my relationship is not meeting my needs. My wants and expectations are not aligned with what he can give me. With what he chooses to give me.

Ok, so one of the core poly tenets is that if your needs aren’t being met, it’s ok, even desirable to fill those needs somewhere else, whether that comes from another relationship, or from within, and from your relationship with yourself.

I cannot dictate Special Man’s relationships.  I can only choose feels good and right, for me,  within my own dynamic.  I told SMF today that the only thing I can think to do, if I don’t want to be one of three BIG R’s, is to renegotiate my relationship with him to a little r.  

I don’t know what that looks like exactly.

I just know that I want to be happy and, and I want him to be happy too.  I’ve been compromising for so long, that it feels like I’m settling, and this makes me sad because I know this has been a long held fear of his.  I want to be with him.  But not like this.

 

 

 


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~Experimental~

I am going to write all the things I have been hesitant to write.

Ok, I am going to write some of the things I have been hesitant to write.

I’m starting now.  I am going to write every day for ten days.  I miss my blog, but as with anything, if you lose momentum, it takes conscious effort to regain the habit.

I loved Seattle.  Like really really loved it.  I had good chats with my sweet friend, looked at beautiful art, ate fabulous food.  We hot tubbed and played with fire.  Special Man Friend and I had difficult conversations, and lots of sexy time (though not at the same time.)  It was a luxury, no kids, no work, and a big comfortable bed.  We took naps.  My sweet friend and her partner spent time with us, took us out to dinner, had dinner in with us at our little cottage.  We had shopping dates and lots of intense conversations about people and things and polyamory.  Sometimes it was awkward.  For some reason we all spilled our guts about things we were taking issue with at one time or another…I’m not sure why.  We joked that it was the magic couch in our cottage living room, things just kept coming up.  Hurt feelings between partners, discussions about pasts and futures.

It was awesome.  It was also draining.

My sweet friend needs her own incognito Poly Nirvana blog name, but I haven’t found the perfect one for her.  She’s sweet and energetic, cute and passionate.  We talked about exploring some sexy energy we have felt with each other, and while it was a great visit, the sexy time didn’t materialize.  At first I felt sad about that (so sad), but I am patient, and if it happens someday in the future, then woohoo! and if it doesn’t, then woohoo also, because she is an awesome person and I love having her in my life.  I wish she lived closer, but at least we are on the same side of the country.  Maybe I should just name her Miss Seattle.

Actually, that works perfectly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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~Girls~

An interesting thing happened when I wasn’t paying attention.

I started getting butterflies in my stomach over a girl.  Or three.

Girl One:  My sweet long distance friend who has always made me a little giddy, from the first time I read her writing, and eventually was able to spend time with in person.  (That sounds a little stalkerish when I put it like that, but it’s been a fantastic friendship.)  Special Man and I are heading to Seattle for a real mini-vacation next week, and I can’t wait to see her and talk and laugh and actually be in each other’s personal space…and the thought of getting to cuddle and smooch and see where that may lead, makes me smile every single day.

Girl Two:  A sparkly girl who took me by surprise and I found myself daydreaming about what it might be like to date a girl.  How it might feel to be romantically and emotionaly invloved with a woman. Then an interesting thing happened…She and Special Man Friend started to chat and she and her partner and SMF and CC did a few things together, and now tonight, he’s out on a date with my sparkly little girl crush.  I was mad for a few minutes.  Okay, I was mad for a few days.  I felt like he had stolen her or something.  I’m not mad any more, and I feel kind of silly about it, but I’m not daydreaming about her anymore.

Girl Three:  This is more complicated.  She and her partner are fun, friendly and just downright nice.  She is smart and honest and I just want to kiss her face off. He is funny and fun and thinks I’m pretty. I have had some frank and awkward conversations with each of them individually, trying to sort through their wants, and their agreements and boundaries with each other. I don’t.want to play by any rules that I wasn’t part of creating.  I’m not a unicorn. I also don’t want to get vested and then get hurt.  Even as I say that, I  realize that there is no guarantee, no matter who I date or become attached to. And,  I’m already vested.  I really like both of them.

Yet, I am starting to date two individuals who are partnered.  And it’s completely new and scary.  It’s scary for me, and it’s added a layer of uncertainty with Special Man Friend.  I think he’s happy when I am happy, I really do.  But he is nervous, I believe.

I am too.


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~Needs~

Today I asked Special Man Friend not to pursue anything with someone who is really making me uncomfortable.  I went back and forth about it.  Was it a veto?  Was it unreasonable?  Was I just being a big poly baby?

I decided that asking for something was definitely not a veto.  I didn’t demand.  I didn’t mandate.  I didn’t say, “You may not see her.”  I made a request.

I asked.

It was through text, as a good portion of our relationship takes place while we are apart.  This is what I said.

“I am uncomfortable with Madam X right now.  Knock yourself out with Librarian tonight, but please don’t move forward with Madam X right now.  I’m asking.”

Special Man Friend gets some serious Gold Poly Stars tonight.  He wasn’t defensive.  He listened and he said, “I will make a point not to.” He asked me if something had instigated this, and I told him we could talk about it later, and it was done.

“Thank you for listening to me,” I said.  Or texted, rather.

 

I didn’t feel like I was doing bad poly, in fact, I felt like I was doing freaking  AWESOME poly.  I communicated and he responded. I didn’t stew or agonize. I. Just. Asked.

Would I have felt the same, if he had said: No?  And that he wanted to see Madam X regardless of how I felt?  Is it his response that makes me feel like, Hey, this is good poly right here… or is it the fact that I asked for what I wanted without beating myself up about it…?

I feel good tonight.  I feel polycompetent.

Ha.

 


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~The 200~

Our Poly Network continues to grow.  We planned a night out to celebrate our 200th member, and by the time the night rolled around we were at 240.  In Boise.  It’s what I’ve wanted for such a long time.  Community is such an amazing resource.

CC and Special Man Friend were in Texas for a funeral on the day of our celebration, and it just happened to be SMF’s birthday as well.  It was a fun night, though I did miss him.  I felt comfortable and I felt happy.  I connected with friends, and I met some new faces.  I kissed a girl in the restroom.  I kissed another girl on the balcony.  I was consensually groped by a friend, very sweetly.  I gave a friend a ride home, and fooled around a little with him too.

SMF worries that I have more fun when he isn’t around, because I’m being stifled by him.  At least this is what I think he is saying.  Honestly I think that when we are together, we are TOGETHER, and it’s everyone else who is stifled.  People were more flirty and more forward, which really doesn’t happen when I’m holding Special Man’s hand, as we are often together in the poly community.  It seems so obvious, but I really hadn’t thought about it like that before.  It was fun to be on my own.

I think that makes him feel bad, but I also know that he knows what that feels like, to enjoy the lightness and excitement of new people or connections, because we’ve talked about exactly that before.  I think I’ve got an internal push and pull going…I almost feel as if I should apologize for having a good time withough him, when he had to be at a funeral on his birthday because his wife’s uncle passed away.

I know this is an emotional impulse.  We both know that being open to others, and choosing our experiences, is important and valuable to us.

I still struggle with feelings of posession.

 


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~Jealousy~

Oh, jealousy.

I was driving to pick up Georgia from a friends house this afternoon, and Pandora spit out Natalie Merchant singing Jealousy.

The whole song is comparison and sadness. I really wish I understood jealousy better.  I’ve read the idea that jealousy is a manifestation of fear, or insecurity, or grief.  I want to dissect it. I want to understand it. I want to be over it already. 

There was a day a few months ago, when Special Man was talking about a date he’d had with Montana and how I would have hated it because they talked and talked about congressional law.  He was almost giddy with it.  And I was pleased that he was happy and excited and that she was interesting and different than I was, and in that moment, I wasn’t jealous.

I think I was actually compersive.  And I want more.

I want friends and lovers and partners and I want good mushy feelings and I want more of that content feeling.  It’s a shift for me, but seriously, I want that ideal.  I don’t know if it’s unrealistic to want this as I’ve long held the opinion that compersion is a myth. But I’m different.  Maybe it’s okay to dream big.

I am rambling tonight.  Time for sleep.  But first….

Here’s my three-years-ago take on compersion:

https://polynirvana.com/2013/03/16/compersion-thou-art-a-harsh-mistress/

And Natalie Merchant, my favorite:

 

Goodnight.