Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory



In the two and a half months since my breakup, I have:

  • cut my hair off
  • lost twenty pounds
  • detoxed from all sugar and grains
  • given up my (formerly) beloved diet Pepsi completely
  • signed up for a 5K
  • started to make peace with the fact that I have clinical depression.  For real.
  • read a dozen new books
  • binge watched American Horror Story, The Office, The Walking Dead, Bates Motel
  • cried at work in front of my sweet boss
  • started attending a grief support group for survivors of suicide loss
  • wondered if anyone would ever love me again
  • hit OKCupid again
  • had a date with someone new
  • told a date that we just didn’t click
  • switched to decaf, from regular coffee
  • sang karaoke
  • reached out to friends for emotional support
  • missed Special Man Friend more often than I wish
  • tried my hand at painting
  • cried while my mother held my hand
  • started feeling every single emotion that has been buried for several years
  • begged the universe to return me to my formerly numb state
  • thanked the universe for allowing me to feel again
  • and a hundred other things






Two months ago, yesterday, Special Man Friend and I broke up.

More specifically, I broke things off with him.

At the time, I thought it was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Since that day, sitting in the same sushi restaurant where we had first met almost five years before, I have realized that healing and recovering from this loss, is much worse.

I haven’t been able to write, I haven’t known where to start.

Poly is hard.

It’s a thousand other things too.  It can be challenging, fulfilling, comforting, fun, joyful, frustrating, heartbreaking.  I have experienced my greatest love, and my most profound heartache.

Just as can happen in a monogamous relationship, he and I had developed unhealthy  patterns, and unrealistic expectations of each other.  SMF asked me to go to counseling with him.  He told me he felt me slipping away.  He was sensitive and insecure, and I was distant and unhappy.

I couldn’t see any way out, or rather, any way through.

There’s another part to this story, and I want to talk about it; I am just not sure where to begin with it.  So I will leave it for now.

SMF and I still talk almost every day.  The love is still there, the romantic relationship is not.  He has CC, and Montana, and is also seeing a new girl.  The NRE is intense, and is hard for me to watch sometimes, but this is where we are.  He says I am in his bones; I miss him every day.