Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


But what about the sex already?

We’ve all heard it.  The Polyamory-ites love to tout “Love is infinite.”  Then of course we also hear, Love may be infinite, but time is not.  Thus the poly culture phenomenon, Google Calendar, which has become some sort of social poly icon at this point.

“We’re sharing Google calendars now”, which roughly translates to we are poly-committed.  Or poly-vested. Or poly-something.  (I love how you can just put poly in front of any word and make it kind of poly- relevant. But that’s not really what I want to poly-write about.

I want to write about SEX.  Sex, desire for sex, energy for sex, time for sex, sex drive, sexual creativity…All these things are absolutely NOT infinite. (Sorry, but they aren’t.)

I love sex with Special Man Friend, and right now he is pretty much my only sexual partner.  It’s not that I’m not open to other partners, it just hasn’t happened.  I’m particular, I’m discriminating, I’m picky.  Maybe I’m too guarded, maybe my marriage left me with trust issues.  I suppose the why of the matter is irrelevant, this is who I am, today.  And right now I’m worried that my sex with him will be affected by his other relationships, or maybe even has already has been affected.

I feel like I need to qualify things, by saying that I’m coming out of a deep depression, my stress level has been through the roof at work, I’m exhausted, and I have grief issues surrounding my exhusbands suicide that are slowly resolving.  But still.  This is about my fear.

I fear that I am not as sexually interesting as his new girlfriend.  I used to BE the new girlfriend.  Now I’m the old girlfriend. And I kind of feel like I’ll get lost somewhere in the nebulous space between wife and new girlfriend.   So… maybe she’s getting the sex that I used to have.  Hours and hours of ridiculous, hot, sex. If he’s spread even thinner, doesn’t my slice of sex pie get smaller?  I don’t want a smaller piece of sex pie!    I want ALL the sex pie I can eat.  All of it.  Sex pie is my favorite.

Of course, there are a million different pies out there that I could fill up on. (I really like this metaphor.) But I know I like this specific pie and I could eat it all day.  I’m a picky eater. I do want to find new and delicious sex pies, but I’m simultaneously afraid to try something new that might taste horrible.

Alright, done with that metaphor.  Sex pie. I love it.

The last time I saw SMF we had a fantastic, instant-combustion quickie that left me dizzy. It was exactly what I needed.

Except that I still need more. Curse my picky tastebuds.


Wherein I surrender to poly cynicism…

I broke my own rule, and went out with someone new to polyamory.

He was easy to talk to, didn’t seem to have an agenda, and had some seriously attractive silver hair.  He also had a wife who was nice and friendly.  They had some experience with swinging, and so I justified that they at least had done some real life work in the non-monogamy arena, and surely that had to count for something.  After all, I live in a place where the dating pool is tragically shallow, and I am incredibly particular.  I have a busy, full life, and if I invest my time in someone, I generally feel an authentic connection.

We made it though enough dates (three) that I was really (really) ready for sex. We made plans for the following weekend.

Then things got weird.

He got quiet.  I tried not to make assumptions. I went with it.  Then he said he needed to put things on hold for that weekend.

Since I am a person, and not a telephone call, “on hold” didn’t sit well with me.  It didn’t feel good.  He and his wife had things happening.  I was curious to see what would happen next.

Now they are “stepping away” from poly.

This is why I am cynical, friends.

Yes, I am glad we did not get any more involved, I am happy that they pulled back before I became any more vested in New Guy.  I want them to be happy and have a healthy relationship together, whatever form they choose to pursue in the future.

But seriously, I need some new connections.  I am lonely.

Lonely and cynical, that is.