Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Needs~

Today I asked Special Man Friend not to pursue anything with someone who is really making me uncomfortable.  I went back and forth about it.  Was it a veto?  Was it unreasonable?  Was I just being a big poly baby?

I decided that asking for something was definitely not a veto.  I didn’t demand.  I didn’t mandate.  I didn’t say, “You may not see her.”  I made a request.

I asked.

It was through text, as a good portion of our relationship takes place while we are apart.  This is what I said.

“I am uncomfortable with Madam X right now.  Knock yourself out with Librarian tonight, but please don’t move forward with Madam X right now.  I’m asking.”

Special Man Friend gets some serious Gold Poly Stars tonight.  He wasn’t defensive.  He listened and he said, “I will make a point not to.” He asked me if something had instigated this, and I told him we could talk about it later, and it was done.

“Thank you for listening to me,” I said.  Or texted, rather.

 

I didn’t feel like I was doing bad poly, in fact, I felt like I was doing freaking  AWESOME poly.  I communicated and he responded. I didn’t stew or agonize. I. Just. Asked.

Would I have felt the same, if he had said: No?  And that he wanted to see Madam X regardless of how I felt?  Is it his response that makes me feel like, Hey, this is good poly right here… or is it the fact that I asked for what I wanted without beating myself up about it…?

I feel good tonight.  I feel polycompetent.

Ha.

 

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~Reboot~

I keep starting blog posts, then losing interest after a paragraph or two.

Or, rather, I start to think to myself, This is dumb, who wants to read about this? And then I try to think of something more interesting, more insightful, more…just more.  My draft folder is full of snippets and incomplete thoughts.

Here are a few.

My 12 year old was just diagnosed with lupus.  I don’t know what this will mean for him specifically, and I am somehow both pissed off about it, and numb.

I get to fly to Seattle with SMF in a month for a real vacation and to spend some time with my sweet friend who I adore, and whose anonymous blog name which I gave her, I cannot remember for the life of me.

I have a date tomorrow with a girl.

I have a super exciting announcement but I can’t tell anyone yet.  Grrr.

We are getting a new puppy in the morning.  That’s not the exciting announcement, but it is kind of exciting!

The end.

 

 


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~The 200~

Our Poly Network continues to grow.  We planned a night out to celebrate our 200th member, and by the time the night rolled around we were at 240.  In Boise.  It’s what I’ve wanted for such a long time.  Community is such an amazing resource.

CC and Special Man Friend were in Texas for a funeral on the day of our celebration, and it just happened to be SMF’s birthday as well.  It was a fun night, though I did miss him.  I felt comfortable and I felt happy.  I connected with friends, and I met some new faces.  I kissed a girl in the restroom.  I kissed another girl on the balcony.  I was consensually groped by a friend, very sweetly.  I gave a friend a ride home, and fooled around a little with him too.

SMF worries that I have more fun when he isn’t around, because I’m being stifled by him.  At least this is what I think he is saying.  Honestly I think that when we are together, we are TOGETHER, and it’s everyone else who is stifled.  People were more flirty and more forward, which really doesn’t happen when I’m holding Special Man’s hand, as we are often together in the poly community.  It seems so obvious, but I really hadn’t thought about it like that before.  It was fun to be on my own.

I think that makes him feel bad, but I also know that he knows what that feels like, to enjoy the lightness and excitement of new people or connections, because we’ve talked about exactly that before.  I think I’ve got an internal push and pull going…I almost feel as if I should apologize for having a good time withough him, when he had to be at a funeral on his birthday because his wife’s uncle passed away.

I know this is an emotional impulse.  We both know that being open to others, and choosing our experiences, is important and valuable to us.

I still struggle with feelings of posession.

 


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~Worthy~

I asked for something I wanted yesterday.

Today I was told, Yes, you can have it.  I felt valued, and I felt valuable.

I still found myself wondering when the other shoe would drop.  I don’t want to be that girl.  I want to believe, no, I want to know, that there are good things are in the world for me.  I’m encouraged by the fact that I was conscious and aware of the fear and anxiety that came right on the heels of feeling happy and valued.  No doubt, the act of working through that in my brain, is a solid step towards changing that pessimistic conditioned response.

It’s interesting to me the way the brain learns and assimilates every single thing that we see, hear, experience, feel, and think and rolls it up and smushes it around, and convinces us who we are.  How much of that can be consiously manipulated in order to condition ourselves to be different, to think differently, to respond differently?  My biggest moments of growth have taken place when I do things that scare me; when I feel the fear and do it anyway.

So today, when I heard, yes you are worth it, I may have panicked just a little, simply because my little brain and heart were confused. I spent a few hours trying to figure out how this was going to all go wrong, because what other scenario could there be?

I want to rewire the fearful parts of my brain.  I deserve good and worthy things because I am good and worthy.  I wonder how many times I need to repeat this before my brain gets the message…