Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
I recently received a comment from someone on the blog, stating that I was needy, and that life wasn’t about getting what you want.
At first I was offended. Defensive, even, in a knee-jerk kind of way. “Needy” is kind of a trigger word for many women. It is for me, anyhow. The last thing I want to do is rock any boats, or take up any more space than absolutely necessary.
Except that’s not exactly true. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got.
I do have needs! I work hard to be self-aware and find ways to have those needs met, while still being a good and kind human to the other humans around me. Anyone who says they DON’T have needs is either lying or delusional.
And how sad is it that there are people out there who think life isn’t about getting what you want…Now it isn’t ONLY about me and my wants and needs. But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to work my hardest to have the best life I can, and to proactively go after the things that I NEED and the things that I WANT.
I have some conflict with my metamours, both partners of Special Man Friend.
I understand that I am the common denominator, and that I am responsible for me and for my lack of conflict resolution skills.
But I am feeling pretty solitary right now.
It’s hard to know what to do; what action to take. It’s hard to know exactly what I want, and then to hold that up to what I think I am obligated to do, it’s very noisy in my brain. The debate goes back and forth.
Reason: Someone needs to mend that bridge.
Emotion: Fuck that. They wrecked the bridge too. Why do I have to fix it?
Reason: You’re an adult. Do something adult-ish.
Emotion: I don’t know what to do! Why do I have to do everything?
Reason: Relationships take effort.
Emotion: Yeah, well I don’t care. I didn’t ask to be in a relationship with them.
Reason: Well you are. And you did.
Emotion: Did not.
Emotion: Polyamory is dumb.
Reason: No it isn’t.
Emotion: Yes it is and I hate everyone.
Emotion: Wah. I don’t know what to do.
Reason: You should just think more. Thinking more is always a good idea. Thinking is the best!
Emotion: I’m sick of thinking about it.
Reason: Then do something.
Emotion: I’m taking a nap.
I’m just about packed and ready to head to Atlanta in the morning. Special Man Friend is spending tonight with me, and will wake up early and drive me to the airport before heading home to get ready for work. While the actual travel part of traveling stresses me out, I do enjoy being in different places. I would love to be able to teleport anywhere I want to go, and just be there already.
I have a fun and exciting announcement coming on June 15th. I can’t wait!
More tomorrow from Atlanta! Woohoo!
When I write, I generally start with a title. Often it’s just a single word, chosen carefully to capture the boiled down essence of what I want to put out into the world, on that.
Today I have no title. No message. No common theme.
Everything is messy. Half my life is packed into boxes. I don’t have a concrete move date yet, I just know it will be by the 24th of June. I’m excited to move, I’ve been purging material things, and it almost feels like emotional things might be following.
I think I am realizing that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has three “Big R” Relationships. I can’t remember where I heard the phrases “Big R” and “little r” as a way to describe the different levels of entanglement in polyamorous (or other) relationships, but I kind of like the terms.
Special Man Friend has been seeing Montana since last August. They have quietly moved into Big R territory. CC and SMF are a Big R. SMF and I are a Big R.
SMF has said that he wishes I wouldn’t compare relationships. Fair enough. But I am not happy, and when I look around to see why not, I see that my relationship is not meeting my needs. My wants and expectations are not aligned with what he can give me. With what he chooses to give me.
Ok, so one of the core poly tenets is that if your needs aren’t being met, it’s ok, even desirable to fill those needs somewhere else, whether that comes from another relationship, or from within, and from your relationship with yourself.
I cannot dictate Special Man’s relationships. I can only choose feels good and right, for me, within my own dynamic. I told SMF today that the only thing I can think to do, if I don’t want to be one of three BIG R’s, is to renegotiate my relationship with him to a little r.
I don’t know what that looks like exactly.
I just know that I want to be happy and, and I want him to be happy too. I’ve been compromising for so long, that it feels like I’m settling, and this makes me sad because I know this has been a long held fear of his. I want to be with him. But not like this.
I want, and that makes me feel ungrateful for what I have.
Last night Special Man Friend made two trips to the dump, purging about 1400 pounds of STUFF. It’s amazing and a little unsettling how much stuff we accumulate over time. I have spent the past few weeks trying to give away everything I can, but I still have a bunch to send for donation. This morning our friend Jeremy came with a big trailer and we did another giant haul.
I’m appalled at how many Things we discarded. Things I couldn’t give away, like fully functioning televisions. Older models, that nobody wants. And they really aren’t that old! It was a date night turned work date, and I’m grateful for SMF’s willingness to help. I got snippy with him, he told me right away after a little return snark, that I had hurt his feelings, and I apologized. I have such a hard time with apologies, but it’s on my radar as something to work on.
It’s twelve minutes to midnight. This is day four of my ten day Just Write project. I do not feel inspired. I feel tired. So I am going to bed now. xoxo
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