Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~2017~

Boise is having record breaking snow.  The kids have had three snow days so far, and honestly, even if school isn’t called off for tomorrow, I will likely keep them home.  It’s treacherous out there.  I’m anxious about being on the roads.  Many of the neighborhoods are snowed in.  I was able to get out this morning for a few hours, but got stuck in snow twice in my sister’s neighborhood.  I was happy to get home safely and build a fire.

I had a coffee date with Montana scheduled for today, to discuss some things about RelateCon.  She’s doing some lawyer-ly things, and I’m the director/producer.  I was too nervous to drive, so we did an online chat instead after I got home.  As we finished up, I told her that I had been wanting to be more friendly with her, but that I felt a little uncomfortable and closed off because I don’t know (and don’t want to really ask, because eww, vulnerability)  how she feels or what she knows about things between myself and Special Man Friend.

(I guess I should technically rename him, but I don’t want to.  Former Special Man Friend, maybe?)

She didn’t give me any feedback, just acknowledged the message before we said goodbye.  Maybe I made her uncomfortable, but I’m making an effort to communicate and face my own awkward or uncomfortable feelings with people instead of shutting down.  I’m reaching out more to people I know who love me, and asking for what I need, and I think this is helping me in dealing with those people I am uncertain about, like Montana.  I am me, and that’s all I can be.

I’m having surgery in ten days, and I’ve written myself a permission slip to just take care of myself for the next eight weeks or so.  I’ve been going to my family, and to my friends for support and love, and avoiding focusing on dating or new romantic connections.  I’ve needed this time alone, more than I realized.  Overall, I feel good.

I know this:  I need romantic connection and intimacy.  And I believe it will come to me.  But today, I’ve got a warm fire, Game of Thrones, and a really good cup of coffee.  I’m good.

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~A Very Big Announcement~

A NEW POLY CONFERENCE!

This is really happening.

I am producing a national polyamory focused conference in Boise, Idaho in the Spring.  It’s going to be an AMAZING event.  There are some fantastic national presenters coming, including Cunning Minx and Lusty Guy from the Poly Weekly podcast.

~Presenter list HERE~

Everyone is welcome!!!  Class descriptions will be posted within the next two weeks.  If you’ve never been to a hotel poly conference, you should come, or find another one that works for you, like the Atlanta Poly Weekend, or Beyond the Love in Ohio.  It’s pretty significant to be able to connect with other poly people.  Community is invaluable.

So excited.  🙂

 

 

 


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~Deal Or No Deal~

Benjamin had some sweet qualities.

There came a moment where I realized that he reminded me of my ex-husband.  My abusive, unstable, volatile, ex-husband. It was nothing obvious, or blatant, just a couple of comments that gave me pause.  A few days later, in response to hearing that I had bought myself a new adult toy for Christmas, a real splurge for me and one that I was excited about, Benjamin said I’m sorry I don’t do it for you, and over the next few days he went from subtle sulking to passive aggressive comments, and that was that.

I don’t have the time or energy for this.

I’m too valuable. Too valuable and precious, to myself.

The last few months have solidified my poly viewpoint.  Above all, I value connection that accepts me exactly as I am. Now.  And that’s what I want to reciprocate.  An unconditional acceptance of someone or someones for who they are at their core.  I value kindness.  I value self-awareness, and the ability and desire to communicate.

I value these things in friends, in lovers, in my relationships with my children.  I want to find every ounce of love and connection that I can.  I want honesty and authenticity.  I want to love real people, because I am a real person, a real and imperfect person who is trying her best to live a good life.

And I want to surround myself with people like that.  People who are trying their best.

That’s my poly.

I don’t know exactly what that will end up looking like.  But I do know what it feels like.

 

 

 

 

 


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~Still~

I still write, but it’s harder. I think the blog is gasping her last few breaths.

I still love someone who loves me but we seem to be…paused.  The pause is vast and silent,   and so much bigger than I ever expected.

I am open to life.  I am open to change.

Still.


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~Forward~

Today I met SMF for lunch.

He told me he needed space and distance to decide what he needs and wants.

Ironically, I almost told him the same thing about a month ago.  That I needed space and distance.  I wrote a long email discussing some of the hurts of our relationship that I still carried.

I chose not to send the email at the time.  The act of writing it was amazingly therapeutic, and I didn’t need to share those things with him then, and I wasn’t ready to force any distance between us.  I wrote myself a permission slip to chill the fuck out until December first, and then reevaluate.

So there it is.

We have had plans for Thanksgiving evening at my house for games and pie with our families, and that is still happening.  I feel weird and uncomfortable, but it is what it is.  I feel exposed and vulnerable.  I feel sad for our respective hurts.  I feel stupid and naive and tired.

I did send him the email I wrote a month ago after we said goodbye this afternoon.  I needed to release those things.  I needed him to know my point of view.

A few hours after our lunch, I met Benjamin for dinner.  It was good to see him, he is so kind and sweet, and he says I am pretty and that he loves how expressive my face is.

He also referred to me in passing as his girlfriend.  It’s…interesting to be transitioning out of one relationship, and transitioning into another relationship at the same time.  Each relationship affects me, and today I did struggle a little with Benjamin, because I was pretty caught up internally with SMF.  I’m not sure how exactly to compartmentalize.  But I think I need to figure that out.

I still don’t know what will happen with Special Man Friend. He will always be special to me, but for now we are disengaging.

And it hurts.

 

 

 

 


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~New~

I’m seeing someone new.  He’s sweet, kind, affectionate.  He’s cooked for me, confided in me, asked to see me every day.

I’m cautious.  Nervous.

I’m trying to go at my own pace, even though it means I have to tell him I can’t see him every day, and it feels awkward.  We’ve only had a few dates, and while I am enjoying him, it also is kind of scary.  My heart is healing, but it’s still tender, like a bruise in the last stages of yellow and pale green.

I’m naming him Benjamin.  It’a nod to his age, which is younger then mine, enough so that I get to feel like Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate.  Which bothers me less than I thought it would, as I get to know him and the kind of person he is.

He says he doesn’t identify as poly, though he has had positive experiences with non-monogamy, and is fully aware that I am. He is not currently partnered or involved with anyone else.  I met him last year when I was involved with caring for someone in his family, and I ran into him again recently and he immediately told me he had been drawn to me then, but the timing wasn’t right.

It’s sweet.  I’m exploring.

 

 


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~Again~

“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity…The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Gifts From The Sea