Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory



In the two and a half months since my breakup, I have:

  • cut my hair off
  • lost twenty pounds
  • detoxed from all sugar and grains
  • given up my (formerly) beloved diet Pepsi completely
  • signed up for a 5K
  • started to make peace with the fact that I have clinical depression.  For real.
  • read a dozen new books
  • binge watched American Horror Story, The Office, The Walking Dead, Bates Motel
  • cried at work in front of my sweet boss
  • started attending a grief support group for survivors of suicide loss
  • wondered if anyone would ever love me again
  • hit OKCupid again
  • had a date with someone new
  • told a date that we just didn’t click
  • switched to decaf, from regular coffee
  • sang karaoke
  • reached out to friends for emotional support
  • missed Special Man Friend more often than I wish
  • tried my hand at painting
  • cried while my mother held my hand
  • started feeling every single emotion that has been buried for several years
  • begged the universe to return me to my formerly numb state
  • thanked the universe for allowing me to feel again
  • and a hundred other things






Two months ago, yesterday, Special Man Friend and I broke up.

More specifically, I broke things off with him.

At the time, I thought it was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Since that day, sitting in the same sushi restaurant where we had first met almost five years before, I have realized that healing and recovering from this loss, is much worse.

I haven’t been able to write, I haven’t known where to start.

Poly is hard.

It’s a thousand other things too.  It can be challenging, fulfilling, comforting, fun, joyful, frustrating, heartbreaking.  I have experienced my greatest love, and my most profound heartache.

Just as can happen in a monogamous relationship, he and I had developed unhealthy  patterns, and unrealistic expectations of each other.  SMF asked me to go to counseling with him.  He told me he felt me slipping away.  He was sensitive and insecure, and I was distant and unhappy.

I couldn’t see any way out, or rather, any way through.

There’s another part to this story, and I want to talk about it; I am just not sure where to begin with it.  So I will leave it for now.

SMF and I still talk almost every day.  The love is still there, the romantic relationship is not.  He has CC, and Montana, and is also seeing a new girl.  The NRE is intense, and is hard for me to watch sometimes, but this is where we are.  He says I am in his bones; I miss him every day.







~Independence Day~

​                                   Do not love half lovers

                                           Do not entertain half friends 

Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished 
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent

If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it

If you refuse then be clear about it 
for an ambiguous refusal 
is but a weak acceptance

Do not accept half a solution

Do not believe half truths

Do not dream half a dream

Do not fantasize about half hopes

Half a drink will not quench your thirst

Half a meal will not satiate your hunger

Half the way will get you no where

Half an idea will bear you no results

Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space

It is you when you are not

Half a life is a life you didn’t live, 
A word you have not said

A smile you postponed 
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know

To reach and not arrive
Work and not work

Attend only to be absent

What makes you a stranger to them closest to you

and they strangers to you

The half is a mere moment of inability

but you are able for you are not half a being

You are a whole that exists 
to live a life not half a life

~Gibran Khalil Gibran



I recently received a comment from someone on the blog, stating that I was needy, and that life wasn’t about getting what you want.

At first I was offended.  Defensive, even, in a knee-jerk kind of way.  “Needy” is kind of a trigger word for many women.  It is for me, anyhow.  The last thing I want to do is rock any boats, or take up any more space than absolutely necessary.

Except that’s not exactly true.  And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

I do have needs! I work hard to be self-aware and find ways to have those needs met, while still being a good and kind human to the other humans around me. Anyone who says they DON’T have needs is either lying or delusional.

And how sad is it that there are people out there who think life isn’t about getting what you want…Now it isn’t ONLY about me and my wants and needs.  But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to work my hardest to have the best life I can, and to proactively go after the things that I NEED and the things that I WANT.

So there.

::blows raspberry::




I have some conflict with my metamours, both partners of Special Man Friend.

I understand that I am the common denominator, and that I am responsible for me and for my lack of conflict resolution skills.

But I am feeling pretty solitary right now.

It’s hard to know what to do; what action to take. It’s hard to know exactly what I want, and then to hold that up to what I think I am obligated to do, it’s very noisy in my brain.  The debate goes back and forth.

Reason:  Someone needs to mend that bridge.  

Emotion:  Fuck that.  They wrecked the bridge too.  Why do I have to fix it?

Reason:  You’re an adult.  Do something adult-ish.  

Emotion:  I don’t know what to do!  Why do I have to do everything?  

Reason: Relationships take effort.  

Emotion:  Yeah, well I don’t care.  I didn’t ask to be in a relationship with them.

Reason:  Well you are.  And you did.

Emotion: Did not.

Reason: ……….

Emotion:  Polyamory is dumb. 

Reason: No it isn’t.

Emotion:  Yes it is and I hate everyone.

Reason:  ………

Emotion:  Wah. I don’t know what to do. 

Reason:  You should just think more. Thinking more is always a good idea.  Thinking is the best!

Emotion:  I’m sick of thinking about it.

Reason:  Then do something.

Emotion:  ………….

Reason:  …………..

Emotion:  I’m taking a nap.






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I’m just about packed and ready to head to Atlanta in the morning.  Special Man Friend is spending tonight with me, and will wake up early and drive me to the airport before heading home to get ready for work.  While the actual travel part of traveling stresses me out, I do enjoy being in different places.  I would love to be able to teleport anywhere I want to go, and just be there already.

I have a fun and exciting announcement coming on June 15th.  I can’t wait!


More tomorrow from Atlanta!  Woohoo!




When I write, I generally start with a title.  Often it’s just a single word, chosen carefully to capture the boiled down essence of what I want to put out into the world, on that.

Today I have no title.  No message.  No common theme.

Everything is messy.  Half my life is packed into boxes.  I don’t have a concrete move date yet, I just know it will be by the 24th of June.  I’m excited to move, I’ve been purging material things, and it almost feels like emotional things might be following.

I think I am realizing that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has three “Big R” Relationships.  I can’t remember where I heard the phrases “Big R” and “little r” as a way to describe the different levels of entanglement in polyamorous (or other) relationships, but I kind of like the terms.

Special Man Friend has been seeing Montana since last August.  They have quietly moved  into Big R territory.  CC and SMF  are a Big R.  SMF and I are a Big R.

SMF has said that he wishes I wouldn’t compare relationships.  Fair enough.  But I am not happy, and when I look around to see why not, I see that my relationship is not meeting my needs. My wants and expectations are not aligned with what he can give me. With what he chooses to give me.

Ok, so one of the core poly tenets is that if your needs aren’t being met, it’s ok, even desirable to fill those needs somewhere else, whether that comes from another relationship, or from within, and from your relationship with yourself.

I cannot dictate Special Man’s relationships.  I can only choose feels good and right, for me,  within my own dynamic.  I told SMF today that the only thing I can think to do, if I don’t want to be one of three BIG R’s, is to renegotiate my relationship with him to a little r.  

I don’t know what that looks like exactly.

I just know that I want to be happy and, and I want him to be happy too.  I’ve been compromising for so long, that it feels like I’m settling, and this makes me sad because I know this has been a long held fear of his.  I want to be with him.  But not like this.