Poly Nirvana

~Today~

I’m just about packed and ready to head to Atlanta in the morning. Special Man Friend is spending tonight with me, and will wake up early and drive me to the airport before heading home to get ready for work. While the actual travel part of traveling stresses me out, I do enjoy being in different places. I would love to be able to teleport anywhere I want to go, and just be there already.

I have a fun and exciting announcement coming on June 15th. I can’t wait!

More tomorrow from Atlanta! Woohoo!

~(untitled)~

When I write, I generally start with a title. Often it’s just a single word, chosen carefully to capture the boiled down essence of what I want to put out into the world, on that.

Today I have no title. No message. No common theme.

Everything is messy. Half my life is packed into boxes. I don’t have a concrete move date yet, I just know it will be by the 24th of June. I’m excited to move, I’ve been purging material things, and it almost feels like emotional things might be following.

I think I am realizing that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has three “Big R” Relationships. I can’t remember where I heard the phrases “Big R” and “little r” as a way to describe the different levels of entanglement in polyamorous (or other) relationships, but I kind of like the terms.

Special Man Friend has been seeing Montana since last August. They have quietly moved into Big R territory. CC and SMF are a Big R. SMF and I are a Big R.

SMF has said that he wishes I wouldn’t compare relationships. Fair enough. But I am not happy, and when I look around to see why not, I see that my relationship is not meeting my needs. My wants and expectations are not aligned with what he can give me. With what he chooses to give me.

Ok, so one of the core poly tenets is that if your needs aren’t being met, it’s ok, even desirable to fill those needs somewhere else, whether that comes from another relationship, or from within, and from your relationship with yourself.

I cannot dictate Special Man’s relationships. I can only choose feels good and right, for me, within my own dynamic. I told SMF today that the only thing I can think to do, if I don’t want to be one of three BIG R’s, is to renegotiate my relationship with him to a little r.

I don’t know what that looks like exactly.

I just know that I want to be happy and, and I want him to be happy too. I’ve been compromising for so long, that it feels like I’m settling, and this makes me sad because I know this has been a long held fear of his. I want to be with him. But not like this.

~Want~

I want.

I want, and that makes me feel ungrateful for what I have.

The end.

~Move~

Last night Special Man Friend made two trips to the dump, purging about 1400 pounds of STUFF. It’s amazing and a little unsettling how much stuff we accumulate over time. I have spent the past few weeks trying to give away everything I can, but I still have a bunch to send for donation. This morning our friend Jeremy came with a big trailer and we did another giant haul.

I’m appalled at how many Things we discarded. Things I couldn’t give away, like fully functioning televisions. Older models, that nobody wants. And they really aren’t that old! It was a date night turned work date, and I’m grateful for SMF’s willingness to help. I got snippy with him, he told me right away after a little return snark, that I had hurt his feelings, and I apologized. I have such a hard time with apologies, but it’s on my radar as something to work on.

It’s twelve minutes to midnight. This is day four of my ten day Just Write project. I do not feel inspired. I feel tired. So I am going to bed now. xoxo

~Somatic~

Tonight was our monthly poly discussion group.

The word somatic came up several times, as we were talking about emotional reactions and somatic reactions when it comes to the things we feel, and how our bodies could exhibit those emotions.

I get a knot in the pit of my stomach when I am very emotional. I ache. Many times, the stomach ache comes first, before I even realize that there is a a feeling or emotion tied to it. It was an appropriate topic.

I felt sick the entire discussion. Special Man and CC were there, and though Special Man and I feel tenuous right now, we are moving forward. I think I’m grieving something having to do with CC. She and I had words a couple of days ago, words that left me feeling a stunned realization that I will likely never have the kind of polyamory that I envision as ideal. SMF will always be partnered with someone who keeps me at arms length. That’s it. The end of my poly dream, if it includes Special Man Friend whom I love dearly.

I am also at a point where I keep my guard up with her. This is a long and intricate history that she and I have. We have both made a lot of effort to be closer, to be at least comfortable. And I am not comfortable. I have to own my part of that. I am uncomfortable. She and I are a mismatch, on many levels, and I don’t believe she is comfortable around me either.

So really, it comes down to my poly vision of people who are comfortable and loving. A little extended poly constellation, ideally living near one another, maybe on a cul-de-sac, perhaps just in the same neighborhood. I imagine random family dinners, and kids in and out of each other’s houses. I imagine community. I imagine extended, chosen, family.

I honestly believe that CC tolerates me. And if I’m honest, the best I can do is polite.

I hate saying this. I hate that it will hurt SMF, and CC if she reads it. But we all know that’s where we are. And do I want it to change? Do I live in my little bubble with SMF with my one on one time, and just give up once and for all on my big poly fantasy?

I don’t know.

~#3~

This is the third day of Ginger getting her writing groove back, and it feels so, so good.

I’m a week away from flying to Georgia for the Atlanta Poly Weekend. I’m presenting one session this year, as opposed to two sessions last year, and this means more time for me to attend classes that I am interested in. It’s not the best time for a trip right now, so that’s a little stressful, but I am working hard to get things packed and sorted and ready for the move, which is bringing it’s own extra stress, because I’m not exactly sure which day the new house is going to be ready. The house is being remodeled, and to complicate matters further, my current landlady wants to start a remodel here…and we are still living here. My little Type A personality is chomping at the bit.

I may be the last poly person to watch the Showtime series, Polyamory, Married and Dating. It’s simultaneously not as bad as I thought it would be, and also horrible. I’m cringing about every second to third minute, but I have to admit, that there are a few times I thought there were some worthwhile moments. I think I’m going to keep watching.

Don’t tell anyone.

~Two~

Day two of writing whatever the fuck I want to write.

Miss Seattle and I were talking one day about these nice people I had met. A couple. I joked that surely, they didn’t think I was a unicorn. A few days later, I realized, that I was very much in unicorn territory.

And I liked it.

Miss Seattle and I also decided that there was no cute term for this couple, as in being the counterpart to a unicorn…and while they are certainly individuals, I do refer to them as a unit at times. We brainstormed cute and mythical nicknames, names which would be worthy of a magical unicorn, such as myself. (I am so not a unicorn.)

Eventually we came up with Narnias. This refers to the elusive paired poly people who are interested in a unicorn, but are open and happy with individual relationships with her (me) as well as a group dynamic, as long as everyone is feeling good and consensual about it. It may be used in the singular, or in the plural. “Hey, look at this cute picture of my Narnias”, for example.

It’s intended to be tongue in cheek.

It does, however, give me great undercover names for them. Mr. Narnia and Ms. Narnia. I wish I could just call everyone by their real names. I don’t, and can’t, for several reasons, but the biggest one for me, is that I need to be able to write unflattering things about people without outing them. When my blog was totally anonymous, I was able to do that. Now that Special Man Friend, and CC, and Ms. A and a dozen other people read me, it becomes hard to not censor myself because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Or I don’t want to disregard their privacy, or share things that they are uncomfortable with people knowing. As long as I can keep them mostly anonymous, I have more freedom to tell my stories.

On the other hand, if people close to me do read me, they recognize themselves and they recognize my others. I know some of my people have been hurt or uncomfortable because of the picture I paint here. I know that I can never give a complete picture. I can only focus on a few pale shades of what I see, of what I feel.

I like the Narnias. I like them when we are all together and I like them when I am with each of them individually. We’ve flirted and kissed and had a little bit of sexy making out. We’ve had some fun and interesting dates and I’m looking forward to more. It’s been a little bit of a struggle lately to find face to face time, but it will happen. Ms. Narnia has just had surgery on her knee, injured while doing arial yoga, so that hasn’t been fun. I am feeling positive about seeing what happens next.

Day Three tomorrow!

~Experimental~

I am going to write all the things I have been hesitant to write.

Ok, I am going to write some of the things I have been hesitant to write.

I’m starting now. I am going to write every day for ten days. I miss my blog, but as with anything, if you lose momentum, it takes conscious effort to regain the habit.

I loved Seattle. Like really really loved it. I had good chats with my sweet friend, looked at beautiful art, ate fabulous food. We hot tubbed and played with fire. Special Man Friend and I had difficult conversations, and lots of sexy time (though not at the same time.) It was a luxury, no kids, no work, and a big comfortable bed. We took naps. My sweet friend and her partner spent time with us, took us out to dinner, had dinner in with us at our little cottage. We had shopping dates and lots of intense conversations about people and things and polyamory. Sometimes it was awkward. For some reason we all spilled our guts about things we were taking issue with at one time or another…I’m not sure why. We joked that it was the magic couch in our cottage living room, things just kept coming up. Hurt feelings between partners, discussions about pasts and futures.

It was awesome. It was also draining.

My sweet friend needs her own incognito Poly Nirvana blog name, but I haven’t found the perfect one for her. She’s sweet and energetic, cute and passionate. We talked about exploring some sexy energy we have felt with each other, and while it was a great visit, the sexy time didn’t materialize. At first I felt sad about that (so sad), but I am patient, and if it happens someday in the future, then woohoo! and if it doesn’t, then woohoo also, because she is an awesome person and I love having her in my life. I wish she lived closer, but at least we are on the same side of the country. Maybe I should just name her Miss Seattle.

Actually, that works perfectly.

~Insomniac~

It’s after midnight and I’m supposed to be asleep. Morning comes quickly, but the house is quiet and sleep seems a waste when there are so many other things I could be doing.

The kids and I are moving in a few weeks. It was a surprise, but at the same time I knew it would come someday…my landlady is finished with medical school and is coming home to live in her house. We’ve been here seven years already. I am glad for the change, though I am also maxed out between work and packing and all the other things that are going on…really fun and exciting and good things.

When it’s quiet and dark like this, I feel as if everything is moving slower, and I have a chance to catch up with myself. In the daylight, things move fast and sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up. There’s always one more place to be, one more thing to do, and more than one thing to add to my running list of things that are yet to be done.

Still, during this middle of the night hour, things feel manageable.

And writing feel really good.

Now I can sleep.

~Girls~

An interesting thing happened when I wasn’t paying attention.

I started getting butterflies in my stomach over a girl. Or three.

Girl One: My sweet long distance friend who has always made me a little giddy, from the first time I read her writing, and eventually was able to spend time with in person. (That sounds a little stalkerish when I put it like that, but it’s been a fantastic friendship.) Special Man and I are heading to Seattle for a real mini-vacation next week, and I can’t wait to see her and talk and laugh and actually be in each other’s personal space…and the thought of getting to cuddle and smooch and see where that may lead, makes me smile every single day.

Girl Two: A sparkly girl who took me by surprise and I found myself daydreaming about what it might be like to date a girl. How it might feel to be romantically and emotionaly invloved with a woman. Then an interesting thing happened…She and Special Man Friend started to chat and she and her partner and SMF and CC did a few things together, and now tonight, he’s out on a date with my sparkly little girl crush. I was mad for a few minutes. Okay, I was mad for a few days. I felt like he had stolen her or something. I’m not mad any more, and I feel kind of silly about it, but I’m not daydreaming about her anymore.

Girl Three: This is more complicated. She and her partner are fun, friendly and just downright nice. She is smart and honest and I just want to kiss her face off. He is funny and fun and thinks I’m pretty. I have had some frank and awkward conversations with each of them individually, trying to sort through their wants, and their agreements and boundaries with each other. I don’t.want to play by any rules that I wasn’t part of creating. I’m not a unicorn. I also don’t want to get vested and then get hurt. Even as I say that, I realize that there is no guarantee, no matter who I date or become attached to. And, I’m already vested. I really like both of them.

Yet, I am starting to date two individuals who are partnered. And it’s completely new and scary. It’s scary for me, and it’s added a layer of uncertainty with Special Man Friend. I think he’s happy when I am happy, I really do. But he is nervous, I believe.

I am too.